How to Convince Your Parents of Your Intercaste Love

This is a problem which is probably as old as time. Adult children do not always choose their parents for their partner. Shakespeare made it immortal in Romeo and Juliet. A central theme in Broadway music, Fiddler on the roof, and the current TV drama, Downton AB, is the struggle of the original generation to accept the choices of your adult children. I know that, a nyandrathal woman had a fight about her choice of Crowmon boy with her father. ("Daddy: he's real smart and he's so tall!") But even though it may be a timeless and universal subject when coming home, it's painful. Here are just a few examples from our "Ask the Doctor" service:

In Boston, a 25-year-old man says, "I've been caught between my mother and my wife." - "My Chinese mother expects that my wife obey her and when she does her mother-in-law, then wait for her. My wife works all day and does not see why my mother can not start dinner Or when he goes, why can he help him, my mother constantly complains, my wife is crying, what should I do?

A young man in Florida writes: "My wife is Latina and I am white. Whenever we go, my father goes further on illegal immigration My mother can not stop her. When we go home we fight because she says that I should stop it but I do not know anything which I can say that she is going to change. Help! "

"My lover and I want to get married but we are from different ethnic groups and we know that our parents will never agree. We secretly see each other for 4 years." - A young man in Serbia From the woman

Like the authors of these letters, you are in love, you are in love. Like them, you want your parents to love and admire the person you choose. Instead, they can not see behind their traditions, values ��or prejudices. They do not see your boyfriend or husband for that wonderful person who he is. They're all wrong - with Capital W. You feel caught between them. You love and, yes, respect your parents but you also love and appreciate your partner.

It is important to bridge the division. If you and the person you prefer, it is not clear about your commitment and agreement, which you are willing to be together, continuous rejection, whether or not the surface or seat below the surface can weaken your relationship. is. The child of the parents who refuse is caught in a terrible dam. Listening and responding to any side, left the other, feel ignored or humiliated. The person who is the center of dislikes can feel incessantly or under pressure to prove himself worthy. If unwanted, the efforts will soon get annoyed and the anger that spreads in relationships.

Fortunately, there is less rigorous solution than the romantic death scene in Romeo and Juliet. Like Robert in Fidler, Tevye or Downton Abbey, there are parents who eventually accept the choices of their adult children and even bless them. But it takes work and desire. It does not happen with magic or logic.

Don and Dos not to close the gap:
Do not meet criticism with criticism. The values, traditions and feelings of your parents have helped you to create who you are. They are probably guiding light for generations and are the center for your family's identity. Keeping your family history down is not honest or helpful. be so kind. The older generation sticks to their views and ideas because it helps them feel secure in the changing world. Their intentions are probably good. Find ways to assure the family of your origin that you appreciate and respect your past while you are also becoming a part of the global community in which people from other areas of life are involved.
Do not fulfill the parents' rejection with defense and logic. Protectance implies that there is something to rescue. To argue means to argue with you. Answer their concerns with respect and clarity. Accept that a cross-cultural marriage is getting difficult. Express your sadness that they feel the way they feel. Confirm your love for them and your general honor for their thoughts but be clear that you have made your decision. Peace is definitely more effective than angry words.
Do not make your relationship secret. Keeping it secret reveals that you are embarrassed with your choice. Someone will know inevitably, so that everyone in the family will be upset and will be upset with both of you. Make sure that you both agree about the agreement to stay together. Make sure you are certain. There is nothing wrong in dealing with your parents with what is not the last.
Do not use your partner to educate your partner, educate your parents