Season 1 Episode 1
Episode Title: The Call of The Tengey
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex. Violence.
There is a very loud knock on the door.
KOFI KUNTU opens one eye drowsily and squints at the clock on the little bedside table.
Its digital luminous face reads 2:22 a.m.
Seriously?
Who in his right senses will be knocking on his door at this time of day when all normal persons are asleep? Unless the person is a robber, of course.
But then again, how many robbers have the courtesy of knocking on your door before robbing you?
He groans and turns on his back, and his hand lands on the tender flesh of a woman sleeping by his side.
Kuntu runs his hand over the woman's naked belly to the juncture of her thighs, and his hand nestles in the thickest loin hair he has ever felt.
He remembers instantly!
It is AMINA, the polytechnic student girl he had picked up from a party the previous evening.
Her genital hair coverage is so thick and dense that his dick had almost gone dead when he had first removed her panties.
Dear Lord, what wild hair!
But of course he is not a boy who is scared of any tonga.
Hairy, hairless, bald-headed or styled, he will hit it.
Damn, he had known a girl once who had styled her pubic hair like a punk haircut.
But as long as there is a hole, Kuntu will find it and enter it!
The pounding on his door continues, louder now, causing Amina to stir restlessly.
Kofi Kuntu's hand is inside Amina's crazy pubic hair.
It feels like a jungle down there as he tries to part that hair and touch her pudenda.
She suddenly closes her thighs on his hand and turns on her side, bending his wrist so fast and hard that an excruciating pain shoots through his wrist, causing him to shout.
KOFI
Ajeeeeeeeiii! Amina, Amina! Turn over! Ajeeeiiiii, Amina, release my wrist!
She mutters and begins to snore, and Kofi Kuntu pulls his wrist hard but it still will not come out.
She is a huge girl with very huge thighs, and the pain is killing him. He tugs and tugs but cannot get his wrist free, instead each tug causes him more pain.
He calls her, over and over, but she is snoring, and doesn't hear him.
Now he can feel his finger nestling inside her warm, slippery depths. He has penetrated all that thigh meat and wonderful hair, and his fingers are finally on her clitoris.
There is nothing else for Kuntu to do than to pinch her because, quite frankly, his wrist is getting sprained.
He pinches her clit, quite hard.
She bucks her buttocks up as the sharp pain penetrates the coma-like sleep she is in, and she lets out a massive blast of flatulence that enters straight into Kuntu's nostrils with its putrid glory.
The scent is so incredibly bad that for a moment Kuntu is quite convinced that she has shit on herself on his bed.
KOFI
(gagging)
You damn girl... arrrrgh. Oh, God! Funnnn! You stinking girl, Amina! What did you eat last night? Arrrrgghh, it stinks bad, Amina... fuunnnn!!
He pinches her clit again, because now his whole arm is going numb.
She bucks again, shooting out her right leg, which catches him straight in the chest and flings him off the bed.
AMINA
(sleepily)
Don't touch my shinga!!!
Lying on the floor, his wrist paining him excruciatingly, Amina's foul-smelling flatulence driving him crazy, Kofi Kuntu hears her snoring immediately.
She is still deep asleep.
He takes shallow air and massages his wrist and wonders what the hell a 'shinga' is. Probably another name for her designer hole of sweetness.
The thudding on his door becomes greater, and with an angry curse he stands up and moves to the hall.
His room is a 'chamber-and-hall self-contained' unit in a compound house. He has other neighbours in the house. Some have single rooms, and others have chamber-and-hall.
The landlord and his family occupy the only two-bedroom unit in the house.
Kuntu puts on the hall lights and picks his towel from a leather chair and covers his nudity.
He stops behind the door that leads to the compound as the knocking continues.
KOFI
(angrily)
Who's there?
The knocking stops, and then he hears a male's voice.
MALE VOICE
Your new neighbour, Mr. Kuntutututu.
Kuntu utters an angry retort and quickly turns the key in the lock and opens the door and glares at the man standing there.
He is a pudgy man wearing white pyjamas with black ducks on them, his fat feet encased in sandals that have feathers on the straps.
He is bald and has a huge round face with fat flappy cheeks and thick red lips.
He is holding a huge black Bible in his right hand, pressed tightly against his chest.
KOFI
(angrily)
Who the fuck are you and what the fuck did you call me?
MALE VOICE
(defensively)
I called you by your name, Mr. Kuntutututu! I asked the landlord yesterday and he told me your name is Kofiaa Kuntutututu, ahem!
Kuntu puts his head to one side and regards the man.
He looks familiar, yes, and he has seen him around the house recently.
He takes a deep breath and strives to keep calm.
KOFI
The name is Kofi Kuntukununku, sir, but since people can't pronounce it properly, I've shortened it to Kuntu. Kofi Kuntu.
MALE VOICE
(nodding)
Ahem! Mr. Kuntutunankututu, I-
KOFI
(angrily)
What the hell is the matter with you, sir? It is two in the morning and I hate what is going on right now! Just call me Kofi! Who are you anyway and what do you want?
The man's eyes flare angrily at Kuntu, and a savage expression crosses his face, making Kuntu uneasy. He wonders briefly if the man might be mentally unstable.
MALE VOICE
(angrily)
You better watch your sinful mouth, young man, before I slap slap you silly! There's no need to be rude, ahem! I moved into the room at the entrance of the main gate with my wife Dzigbordi Ami Tengey. I'm an Evangelist. My name is Godnows Myredeemerliveth Tengey.
Kuntu begins to giggle instantly and shakes his head with incredulity.
KOFI
What? Your name is what? You call yourself God Knows My Redeemer Leaving Tonga?
The man's face flush with unbridled rage and suddenly he throws a savage blow at Kuntu, aiming for his jaw.
Kuntu ducks, and the man's fist slams into the doorpost.
He screams with pain.
MR. TENGEY
Awooooooo! Awoooooooo! Oh, Dzigbordi eeee! Awooooo! Awoooo!
KOFI
Hey, sorry, man! But what the hell! Were you really trying to hit me? Seriously? What's wrong with you, man? You better get the hell out of here!
Some doors are opening, and some of the tenants are poking their heads out to see what's causing all the fuss.
Kuntu begins to close his door, but the man shakes his head and holds the door.
MR. TENGEY
Ahem, please, please. I have to speak to you for a few minutes, ahem! You made me angry, but anger is not of the Lord, yes, yes, ahem. But you call me Mr. Tengey, not Tonga! Please don't fool around with my name like that, because I know what Tonga means, you idiot!
Kofi Kuntu giggles and strives to remain calm.
KOFI
Alright. What can I do for you, Mr. Tengey?
MR. TENGEY
Ahem, now you're being sensible. Now see, I told you I'm new on the compound. I'm an International Evangelist, and I've noticed something about you which I find quite distressing, seriously. Since the day I moved in, two weeks ago, I've counted not less than seven different women you've brought into your room to spend the night with. Mind you, that figure does not include the five girls you brought home in the afternoons. In just two weeks, my brother, you have slept with twelve girls! TWELVE GIRLS, my brother! Why? Why, my brother? Are you mad? Are you sick? Are you a dog? Are you a goat? Tell me now, brother! What is wrong with that penis between your legs? Why do you like vagina like that? Are you a dog? Tell me now, brother! Are you a dog? A mad dog?
Kofi Kuntu stares at the man with his mouth gaping open with shock.
He is totally flabbergasted!
He is absolutely perplexed!
KOFI
Goodness me!
SEASON 1...EPISODE 2
Episode Title: Grabbing Boobs
Warning:
Restricted Content: 20 Years +
Coarse Language. Nudity. Sex, violence..
An expression of pure wrath crosses Mr. Tengey's face, and for a moment Kuntu thinks he is going to swing a blow at him again.
MR. TENGEY
(enraged)
Look at a goat asking me, ME, if I'm okay in the head! I'm told you're engaged to a fine lady whom you're going to marry next month! A lady called Akweley, whose father is also your boss! I also heard that both your parents are dead! You have no mother and no father, and no siblings... just a useless orphan! And you behave like a crazy crocodile!
KOFI
(shaking his head)
Have you ever seen a crazy crocodile, hm? And moreover, are you saying because my parents are dead, and I’m going to marry the daughter of my boss, I shouldn't jigijigi?
MR. TENGEY
Fire of heaven burn your mouth! May angels whip you at night! A man gives you employment and gives you his daughter to marry, and you go around slipping into any woman that crosses your path! Are you not ashamed? Do you know you're headed for hell, for damnation? You're going to burn in the lake of fire for eternity! Siasem! Sia like you!
Kunto giggles suddenly as he looks at the maddened face of the self-acclaimed international evangelist.
KOFI
So, humour me, how long have you been married, Mr. Tengey?
MR. TENGEY
Twenty-eight years, hallelujah! And in all those years I've remained faithful to my wife! I have not looked at another woman!
KOFI
(gleefully)
Aha! You see? That's why you're mad! That Bible you're holding says that seven women will grab one man! And selfish men like you have stayed stuck to one woman! And there are mad men, and there are men in prison, leaving all those women alone in the world! Where are they supposed to find men to keep them company? Are they not also human? Men should be giving their dicks to women who want them, and not be selfish like you. Your wife has hijacked your dick and using it alone, greedy woman! Do you want those frustrated women to go mad? As for me I'm not selfish! My penis is a gift to any woman who wants to relieve some stress, Mr. Godseen Ten-
And that is when Mr. Tengey releases another roundhouse punch, catching Kofi by surprise, so that the blow hammers against Kofi's jaw!
Kofi is flung back against the door, and then he drops to the floor, dazed!
MR. TENGEY
(furiously)
Kwasea bi ba! My name is Godknows, GODKNOWS! Not Godseen! May God have mercy on your fornicating soul, you dog!
Sitting on the floor, Kuntu is suffused with rage.
He unleashes a straight blow into Mr. Tengey's scrotal sac.
Mr. Tengey screams with agony, drops his Bible, clamps both hands to his balls, and sinks slowly down first to his knees, and then to his side.
Tears of agony brim in his eyes as he looks at Kofi Kuntu.
Kuntu is still sitting on the floor and massaging his jaw.
KOFI
What's the matter with you? You see what you forced me to do to you! You woke me up at two in the morning and behaved like a mad man!
MR. TENGEY
(moaning in anguish)
Ahem, aaaoww Dzigbordi eeeeee! Aaaow, aaaow, aaaow! Yesu Christo, the boy has killed my balls ooo! Oooh, Dzigbordi eeee! Oh, may God punish this boy paa for me o! For hitting the hwea balls of an international evangelist, may God punish you paa o! You will suffer o, Akofia Kuntunutututu! Oh, you will suffer!
Kofi shakes his head with wonder!
Here is a man who has hit him for not pronouncing his name well, and yet he goes ahead and call him Akofia Kuntunutututu!
Some of their neighbours are coming out now.
They troop around the fallen Tengey and help him up.
A severe-looking woman soon emerges around the corner.
She has a cloth tied around her middle, and she has the longest chewing-stick Kuntu has ever seen stuck between her teeth.
She sees Tengey being supported between two neighbours, and her face crumbles with sudden concern.
WOMAN
Aaow, Redeemer! What happened now? I told you the boy is evil so you should leave him alone la!
MR. TENGEY
(painfully)
Aaow, my Dzigbordi, hold me o, hold me! The boy has killed my hwea balls o! Oh, he will never know peace! Oh, I curse him with the fire of God o!
The woman rushes to where Kofi Kuntu is standing.
So, this is the famous Dzigbordi, Kofi thinks.
She stands very close to Kofi and speaks with unbridled fury.
DZIBORDI
May God ponish you, Akofia! May He ponish you with leprosy, gono, AIDS, tratra, erm, headaches, everything, Akofia! May the fire of heaven crack your brain and drive you mad, you dog, Akofia! Oh, may He that made the Red Sea swallow the Egyptians and made the fire burn Sodom ponish you!
KOFI
Just as wicked as your husband. By the way the word is punish, not ponish!
DZIGBORDI
Fiafitor! God ponish your mouth, Akofia!
Kuntu, more intrigued and totally confused, enters his room and shuts the door, turning the key twice.
Thankfully, Amina is awake and smiling when he enters the bedroom, ready with her hairy shinga to take away the gloom that is befalling him as a direct result of his dawn altercation with a man called Godknows Myredeemerliveth Tengey.
Her glorious thighs are spread wide, and the hair on her pudenda looks very scary and intimidating.
But Kofi Kuntu is not a coward, and no bearded meat is ever going to scare him.
His machine stands up instantly, and he pulls the cloth away and mounts the bed.
He grabs Amina’s knees and spreads her legs wide.
She grunts with sinful desire, takes hold of his girth, and parts her bush for him to pass into glory!
Kofi sighs with contentment as her sweetness swallows him whole. He mauls her breasts and bends his head to receive her lips, and then he begins a sweet rhythm that unifies their bodies sweetly!
Kofi Kuntu works for his future father-in-law, MR. LARYEA ODAMTEN.
He is a real estate developer, and Kuntu works in the Marketing office of the LARYEA ODAMTEN WALLS.
Everybody in the office knows that Mr. Odamten dislikes Kofi. The truth is that Kofi also dislikes his soon-to-be father-in-law.
However, for the sake of beautiful AKWELEY ODAMTEN, the only daughter of Laryea, and the sweetheart of Kofi, they have learned to co-exist.
Kuntu had met Akweley at Kumasi Polytechnic.
She had been beautiful, wealthy and bored!
Boys had tried to impress her with expensive stuff she was already used to. She had been in Kuntu's class.
One day she had brought a difficult assignment on Cost Accounting to his room at the hostel. She wanted help with the assignment.
Kuntu had been a sort of authority in Cost Accounting.
Like all the boys he had been seriously fantasizing about Akweley Odamten for a long time, and so when she came to him with that assignment, it had been a most glorious day for him.
Prior to that they had barely spoken to each other even though they were in the same class, she being a part of the Upper Class, and Kuntu a poor orphan struggling to make it through the day, always broke and hungry.
Instead of doing the assignment with her, he had rather painstakingly guided her through the lesson to make her understand the topic, and then he had told her to tackle the assignment.
She had tackled it, easily.
She had whooped with joy, jumping up and down when he told her she had gotten all the answers right.
Now, Kuntu had already smoked a couple of rolls of marijuana a short while before she came inside, and it had turned him into a brave boy of sorts, and the sight of her jiggling breasts had been such a turn-on that Kuntu had grabbed one of them.
She had been shocked and still as a statue, and he had then grabbed the other breast too.
Her hands were raised, and she had stared at him with shock.
Then she had given him a double slap.
Her right hand came down... wham!
Her left hand came down... wham!
Although Kuntu's ears had rung, he had grinned nevertheless!
He had already done what he had always dreamed of doing: grabbing Akweley Odamten by the breasts!
She had taken her books and stormed out of the room.
Kuntu had put on some clothes and fled to town, afraid that she might call her famous and rich father who would bring an army of policemen.
But she hadn't done that.
Three days later she had come with another assignment.
Halfway through teaching her, unable to control himself, he had reached out and grabbed her boobs again, and this time he had felt her nipples hardening.
He bit down hard on his teeth in anticipation of the double slaps, but instead she had rushed at him and knocked him across the room straight into his lower-bunk bed!
They had kissed in frenzy!
He had gotten up and locked the door and then like Fela Kuti's song he had gone BANG, BANG, BANG, I JUST DEY GO OOOO!!
And they have been a couple since then!
Akweley, whose mother is dead, is the apple of her father's eye, and to please her Mr. Odamten has employed Kofi in his company after their graduation.
The Headoffice of the Company is a magnificent five-storey edifice.
Kuntu's office is on the ground floor in the Marketing Section.
He is in charge of the Marketing Software.
His assistant is a chubby round-faced womanizer called ATO SEY.
He is twenty-eight years old, two years older than Kofi. He had been employed first, and when Kofi came in he became Kofi's assistant.
Ato Sey, however, has never been bitter about being demoted. He and Kofi had hit it off from the first day, and they have shared many adventures together.
That morning, Kofi enters the office and sees that Ato is sitting behind his desk with his head on top of the desk, asleep and snoring with saliva drooling down the corner of his lips.
Kofi smiles, puts down his backpack, and then he opens the refrigerator, scoops some ice with his forefinger, tiptoes forward, and jams his ice-cold finger into Ato's exposed right ear.
Ato gives an ear-curdling frantic scream...
ATO
(screaming)
Jeeeeeeeeeezoz!!