The LIGHT In Me

I was a lost soul when I was a teenager.

I was introduced to Christianity when I was still a young child. My father would take us to a Christian fellowship we used to attend. When I was growing up, I lived my life in my own way. It grew even worse when my father passed away in 2001. He attended a 3-day Christian seminar held in Araneta Coliseum. The Christian organization provided free hotel accommodations to those whose residence was outside Metro Manila. Unfortunately on the second night, the hotel where he stayed caught fire and more than 70 Christians instantly died from that tragedy, including my father and my two half-twin sisters. I started having a boyfriend at a very young age. My first boyfriend and I decided to live together with his parents. Consequently, I got pregnant at 17. I left him when I was 6 months pregnant as I thought we were always fighting and I felt he didn't love me anymore. He did not even made any effort to support me and our daughter.

Eventually, I had to raise my own child without her father's support. I was still blessed because my family was there to help me to get through this ordeal. I focused on my studies and I finished my course in Nursing in 2008 and got a job the same year. I continued to live my life without the father of my child, however, I got into a relationship one after another. It seemed that I had not had enough of my past failed relationship as I thought that looking for a new relationship was the answer to being brokenhearted. But they all failed me. They were at first sweet and caring. They made me believe that they truly loved me because of their words that seemed like they were filled with promises. They made me think and feel I was special, so I thought they could complete me. In those events, my family was there to help me realize that my life had a purpose. They encouraged me to attend Sunday church service because they knew I needed God in my life. However, my heart was not yet open to the idea that God could help me change to become a better person. I still lived my life as if God did not exist. Then the time came when I met another man and we started going out. I was convinced that he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. He exceeded my expectations as he treated me like a queen. He would surprise me with gifts, but what struck me the most was his closeness with my daughter. He was good to her. I have always thought that the perfect man for me was someone who would accept not only me, but my daughter as well. However, my relationship with my own family was slowly breaking down because they could see I was again in another relationship that was doomed to fail. I did not take heed of their advice. In fact, this man and I decided to live together. As days went by, I got to know him better - the person he really was. He was short-tempered and his closeness with my daughter was gone. He would get jealous of my closest friends, regardless of the gender. He showed me his true colours - the other side of him, the one that would beat me up just because he had a terrible day at work. He became worse when he lost his job. There were so many times I thought of leaving him but I was afraid that he would hurt me and my daughter's education would also be affected. The other side of me was still hoping that he would still change. So when he lost his job, I made him feel that I was there for him. But all of my efforts were futile. He started to play the role of being perfectionist. I was afraid of committing a single mistake because he would beat me up again. It felt like I was his slave because he did not give me the right to speak out or voice my opinion, and even to communicate with my friends. It was really such a traumatic and depressing experience for me. I felt sorry for my daughter and at the same time scared for our lives. Sometimes my live-in partner would lock our room so he could do whatever he wanted to do to me. I could not cry aloud because he would beat me up harder as if I'd almost see a devil in him.

I could not tell anyone about what was going on with me, not even to my family because I used to always defend him from them. I was rebellious and stubborn. Until that relationship brought forth a child, which gave me all the reasons to stay with him as I did not want everyone else to think that it was yet another failed relationship. I believed that whatever was happening in our house could still be remedied. I also believed in his lies that he had chosen me over his previous girlfriend despite knowing he had children with her. My whole life was no doubt a mess. Until one day, as I was contemplating with my life why for one week, we never had a fight. I felt something was not going right. I found myself praying to God that He would show me the way. I was feeling empty inside. I even thought that He would not listen to my prayers. I said "Please help me God to know what to do. If it's really meant for me to be with him for good, please help us make our relationship be better, help him decide what he needs to do for our relationship to make it right, fix everything from his past. But if he's not meant for me Lord God, I will accept Your will wholeheartedly even if it will hurt me so bad, as long as it's according to Your plan."

After that, there were a couple of nights that I had bad dreams and I had to say consciously in my dream "In Jesus' name" just for me to wake up. Until one night, I clearly remembered my dream that I was holding my son and we were trying to leave our home. But a certain man was blocking the door. I was really scared, then I saw my father in front of our house. So I cried for help saying "Pa, tulungan mo kami dito, may baby dito" (Pa, please help us, there's a baby here). Then I suddenly woke up from that dream. I told my live-in partner about it the following day but he just laughed at it. A few days later, he informed me that he was going away for a couple of days to see his two daughters. Those days were the days that God had given me enough time to think. And one day, our common friend visited me. I knew that God used her as an instrument for me to have the courage to decide to leave my son's father at last. She said something which made me leave him. So I left him a letter with a message that I already filed a restraining order against him to ensure he's not going to do any harm on me and my family, so he would not do anything against my will.

I finally returned home to my mother in Cavite with my two kids. My mom embraced me and became my shoulder to cry on. I was so deeply hurt and felt like I couldn't trust anyone anymore, that men were all the same, that even if you would sacrifice everything for them, they still would not know how to appreciate what you did for them. I was very thankful because despite staying away from my family, they are still there for me and love me unconditionally. I felt I had always taken them for granted and I know I don't deserve the love and concern they have for me. They embraced me and accepted me wholeheartedly. At that time, my family was already attending Christ's Commission FellowshipChurch in Imus. This was the first time I did not hesitate to go to church with them. I felt the need to be comforted by God, and I was right! I felt His presence that time. I listened attentively to the preaching of our pastor and the message was very timely, which was "Choose God's Best". It was all about how to find the right partner for you. The pastor enumerated all the qualities that a woman must look for in a man versus the negative traits of a man that one should avoid. I felt that God was talking to me that time, He made me realize that the man I thought was the right one, was actually not meant for me. After the message, I felt good somehow but when I got home, I began to start wondering again why after all the kindness and love that I showed him, it was as if I still didn't exist. I felt betrayed, hopeless and felt nobody could ever love me the way I deserve to be loved.

The whole week had been the most depressive days of my life. I was crying so much I felt I had no strength to attend the Sunday service again. Later in the afternoon, my daughter was pleading with me and my mom to allow her to play outside. We did not give her permission, but she still did what she wanted to do. She came back home after a couple of minutes scared and trembled, she said she hit an old lady while riding her bicycle across our street. The old lady was needed to be brought to the nearest hospital. We realized that if only we had attended church, the accident would not have happened. We prayed and hoped that there would be no need for the lady to undergo a major operation due to the blunt trauma on the back of her head caused by that accident. Two days later (it was June 25, which was my birthday, too), I asked my younger brother who, at that time, was living in Paranaque to visit us in Cavite so he could pray for us, because he happened to have the strongest faith in God among the family members, and he was also the reason we were able to know CCF. I also asked him to go with me and my youngest brother to the hospital where the old woman was confined. But before we went there, I thought of going to the lady's house and talked to her daughter informing them that we're going to visit her mom. While I was talking to her at her place, her friend phoned and said that her mom was going to be discharged the next day. I was really happy that moment because God is so amazing that we got the good news at exactly the time when I was there at their house. I thanked God and I told Him that it was such a great gift to me on my birthday, that the old lady was all okay now and there's no serious complication happened to her. My two brothers and I went straight ahead to the hospital and we prayed over her. When we got back home, my brother (who knows CCF) and I talked about God's grace and salvation. He explained everything to me what He learned from CCF Alabang. That was the time I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and asked for His forgiveness of my sins as we prayed together. For me, this was the greatest blessing I received in my entire existence on earth. I felt great after long hours of conversation with my brother about God's greatness. It felt like becoming a new creation. God has been there for me all along since the very first time I came to Him during my darkest moment of my life, He turned my "little hope" into something great which made me realize that He was at work, and prayer is really powerful, you just have to have faith in God. I have come to realize as well that we should not let a single day pass without spending time with God alone, that we must respect the Sabbath Day. So my family and I learned our life lesson since God sent His message to everyone of us. The following Sunday, we all went to church and at the very moment I arrived at the toddler room of CCF Imus, my favorite song was played by our music ministry group. The title of the song is "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)". I did not stop crying as I was singing, it especially in the line "I am Yours, and You are mine..." It was like every word of the song was very meaningful to me, it was like God was talking to me again. It was a feeling I could not really explain, all I knew was that my heart was very glad and at peace.

My family and I have been very grateful of CCF as God used this church for all of us to be reunited towards one direction - to God's Direction. I would not go into details anymore on how we were when we still did not know God but all we know is that He has been working on each one of us in an amazing way. All of the members of the family are currently part of a discipleship group in CCF.

I could say there is a big difference for who I am now from who I was before. God has really transformed my life into a new creation, from being so stubborn who did not care about anything, into a new "me" who is now aware or more conscious of every decision that I'm going to make as I only want to do now is how to glorify God in everything I do.

In the same year of 2014, I had another personal encounter with the Lord. I got into a motorbike accident sometime in December while I was on my way to work.

It happened along Santolan Edsa around 7:00pm and I was brought to Cardinal Hospital. I only found out what happened to me when I woke up after being unconscious for almost 5 hours. I did not worry about the wounds I've got from the accident. What I was worried about was my mom and the rest of my family as I gave them another problem. I kept on asking every doctor who would check on me about the result of the CT scan as I would know whether there's brain hemorrhage or not. God has been really good to me because there's no internal bleeding/hemorrhage, all I've got were minor wounds and a minor fracture in my upper left leg that all could be healed within just a couple of weeks. I had so much to be thankful for to God, including the exact moment I had an accident as there were no vehicles behind me that could kill me on the spot, or I did not hurt anyone else because of my accident. God indeed is amazing and a great God! He sealed me with His protection from any danger that could possibly happen at that very moment. This is one of the reasons why I became closer to Him. He gave me another chance to live this life according to His purpose. I know He has blessed me to bless others.

In the year 2015, I became more active studying God's Word at home and in church through my small group.

The things I knew about Christ were not enough to me and it was like I'm really hungry for His Word. I wouldn't let pass a day without reading a Bible or watching a preaching from CCF on youtube. Sometime in May of the same year, I met Omari Dandridge. He's from the United States but the long distance communication was not a hindrance for the both of us. We have maintained it every day through online chat, Skype, telephone, and email. Our friendship blossomed into a romantic relationship as days went by that we got to know each other. We have become not just physically attracted to each other, but we have also become emotionally and spiritually connected and attached because of our common faith. My love for him has grown stronger because of his love for God, which I have always prayed for in a man that I intend to marry someday.

Omari and I met in person on November 2, 2015 when he came to the Philippines to see me, my children and my immediate family. We have the same faith in God and he gladly came with me to my church. We got to know each other even more and got engaged. Thereafter when he flew back to the United States, he filed a petition for me and my kids to build a family with him and start a new life. Our prayer was answered as the US visa for the three of us was granted in May 2016. So my kids and I went to US on June 15 and it was such a great birthday gift for me because I'd be celebrating it on June 25th. A week after we flew to the United States, God gave me an additional gift. He also allowed my mother to witness our wedding before God and our family. It is with great love and honor that I got married to Omari on July 23rd. I am very blessed to have found such a God-fearing man, who loves and honors me as his wife.

Now I am with my husband, having God as the center of our married life. I'm also blessed with a mother-in-law who's always there to support us while we're starting a new family. My kids and I have already adjusted to the way of life in the US.

In September of 2017, God has blessed me and Omari with a healthy baby girl named Hannah Deborah.

I know that this is just the beginning of everything and there are going to have trials in the future in my marriage with Omari as we both have different cultures and personalities. Our differences are just part of a relationship but our relationship with Christ is far more stronger than anything.

Truly, there is an abundant and an overflowing blessing and grace when you put God first in your life and become an obedient follower of Jesus Christ.

Here are some of the Bible verses I live by:

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.

Matthew 6:33 Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Deuteronomy 6:5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Romans 12:1-2 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect

All the praises and glory be back to God in Jesus' name. Amen.