Will Heartbreak Kill You?

I was sitting on my bed looking through old Facebook photos, remembering the years of happy memories. We had good times, strangely the bad times seemed to be forgotten. At one point she was my everything, my world revolved around her, she was my best friend, my therapist and my lover. I didn’t need anyone else as long as I had her. Of course it was rocky along the way, we fought, we broke up, we got back together.
We each had things we wanted to change about the other but ultimately we both were too stubborn to change. Somehow though we knew we’d make it through, we were soul mates and meant to be together, nothing could stop us. Our future plans all revolved around us being together. Until one day they didn’t. Now this was a gradual thing, but one day I hit the boiling point and decided I could no longer be in this relationship. After months of no sex and being forced to sleep on the couch, I took all my things and moved out. I was free!
For a while my life had new meaning, I could now do what I wanted. No more fighting about what to eat for dinner or who didn’t take out the trash. I was my own man now and the world was my oyster. That girl could no longer tell me what to do or where to be. The girl whose face I use to love seeing became dread and the sweet, “I love you and good morning” texts became silence. Somewhere along the way we had fallen out of love and lust and became bitter roommates. I fantasized about being with any girl but her.
After being single and enjoying my bachelorhood again for a little over a month I realized I still wasn’t happy. I could do anything I wanted now but had nobody to do it with. I could watch whatever show I wanted but was watching it alone. I could achieve great things but had nobody to share it with. Then I started to feel a hole in my heart and soul. The reality of me losing a five year relationship set in. I went on a few dates to help cure my loneliness but ultimately it led to comparisons to my ex and the realization I couldn’t re-create the magic I lost in that relationship.
I then realized I had to get my ex back. I would show her I was willing to change and we would get back together like we always did. However, this time it was different. She didn’t want me back. She no longer had feelings for me. I tried and begged but she was done. Months go by and still in the back of my head I believe this fairytale that we will get back together and everything will be great again like it was when we first met. Then I found out she’s moved on, she’s seeing someone else. This is the point where I feel the worst sting of the breakup and the heartbreak really sets in.
The things we once did together she’s now found a new replacement. I imagine them sitting on the couch cuddling watching horror movies, having passionate sex, her cooking delicious meals for him and going out to eat holding hands. It’s all too much for me to bear. I desperately try one last chance to get back with her, but again her feelings are gone and there’s no bringing them back.
The imagery of us one day getting married, traveling the world together, seeing our children and grandchildren grow up together all vanish in a flash. Knowing what might have been will only be a dream at this point causes me to instantly cry…this lasts for hours. I go through life for a while in a state of depression/shock/hopelessness and try to fill the void with other girls but they couldn’t. I wanted the girl I could no longer have.
I imagine them breaking up, me killing myself, ways to get revenge and how I could show her that she made the worst mistake of her life. I was miserable and she was happy and it wasn’t fair. She should have been going through this misery too. She had though. She was miserable when the man she once loved stopped showing he loved her. When I stopped showing her that I appreciated her, stopped making her feel special, stopped making love to her and stopped caring about her feelings. I took her for granted and just assumed she would always be around so I no longer had to try anymore. Everyday she had been with me was heartbreak.
Now she has found someone who took her heart that I had broken and put it back together. I failed to realize that showing love is a continuous thing and it doesn’t always last forever. I had caused the misery I was now in and I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. Life went on but heartbreak leaves a permanent scar and each time it is different. In the end we can do nothing but learn from our mistakes, forgive and then wish the other person happiness. In the end I appreciate the time I had with my ex and know not to take the next relationship for granted and to continually date them like it’s the first time.