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It may seem like a great idea but this myth can have serious implications to a man, and his marriage.
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It’s said man to man, with a wink, a slight smile, and often with a touch of sarcasm.
You hear it at the coffee shop while waiting in line, at the office, at lunch with a buddy, during “kitchen talk” at a party, or in the man-cave where “What’s said there, stays there”…
However intended, it is believed by many husbands to be true.
A happy wife means a happy life, wink-wink.
This seemingly innocent belief has far reaching implications for husbands and their wives.
Let me share what I’ve experienced as a past believer in this myth, how it can erode a relationship over time, and provide alternatives.
A Happy Wife
It’s noble for a husband to aspire too. Of course he wants his wife to be happy. He decides to do his best to make sure she is. He does the things he knows please her, and avoids doing things that upset her. He puts her needs first to show that he is a loving and caring husband.
A Happy Life
A happy life is the anticipated outcome for husbands who have a happy wife. Rewards come a man’s way for accomplishing things on the to-do list and making a woman’s wants the priority: going out with the boys more often, watching a game without interruption, getting more sex, or buying a new TV or whatever item a man has had his eye on.
It’s a barter system. The concept has been used for centuries. I give you what you want so I can get what I want.
So what’s wrong with that?
In this situation, everything…
For Men
Men don’t behave with integrity or authenticity when they put this myth into practice. They don’t share what’s important to them. They diminish their self-worth.
They make assumptions. Through trial and error they try to figure out what works and what doesn’t work to make her happy – based on the day, situation, her mood, etc. Often these assumptions are incorrect.
The myth leads to long-term disappointment, frustration, resignation, and resentment for a man. They begin to develop thoughts like, ‘Why does she get everything she wants and I don’t? Doesn’t she see how much I sacrifice for her?’
Avoiding conflict about the small things leads to avoiding conflict about the big things. Men become distant and non-communicative when they don’t discuss how they feel and what’s important to them. They capitulate even more to avoid an increasingly uncomfortable conversation. Their resentment and frustration build.
At some point, they’ll have had enough. They may experience a mid-life crises, health issue, engage in an affair, drink more, go on a spending-spree, or become physically and/or emotionally absent.
As a man sacrifices his happiness for his spouse he sows the seeds for his own rebellion in the future. He eventually acts out on feeling stuck and suppressed.
For Women
The concept of “Happy Wife Happy Life” seems like a great situation for a woman. Why wouldn’t she want to be put first in the relationship? It’s a dream come true. It’s romantic. She believes, ‘He loves me so much that he’s puts my happiness ahead of his own.’
Getting what she wants is like fast food for the ego—quickly satisfying, but in the long-term it creates a sense of entitlement and of holding power in the relationship. She has the capability to reward her husband, or not, based on her level of happiness. It poisons the relationship over time.
By adopting this myth, a woman is missing the opportunity to know who her husband really is, and cuts herself off from experiencing a deep and fulfilling relationship.