"... 2 years ago, I promised myself to be immune from any heartbreak ever again, until I realized I have been unconsciously building my tall walls."

People would tell me I was being too sensitive and shallow every time I narrate about my break up story. They think all people have experienced sorrow in Love and my experience is not uncommon. They would say some people went through a lot more than I do.

I can give that a YES. There is no people in the world who has never encountered heartbreak. But the thing is, PAIN is subjective. You cannot really rate the pain scale of someone who has "actually" felt it.

People have different pain threshold.

That's the truth.

Therefore it's a NO when they tell it is so easy to mend a broken heart.

In fact, that's not really the case especially for someone who is an introvert.

It may be embarrassing to admit that it took me 2 years for me to move on from my sorrowful past. Been doing all the means in the world to get over from it "which were obviously to no avail" until I came to a point of stoicism and indifference.

I had come across people along the process of moving on. Every single time I get invited to meet up with someone new (a suitor), there's a devil inside me saying that :

" I am unlikeable"

"People would just come and go."

"All people are just nice at the start."

"You cannot go along with that person because you're a freakin weirdo. That's why you had always been left behind."

"No one wants to get around with an introvert like you."

And yadah... yadah.. yadah...

I always presume to myself that any person I come across will just be another big mistake. And moving towards them will mean wasting another precious time of my life.

So there I went on, being a skeptical while getting along with the person trying to know more a bit of me.

This has been a cycle for 2 years straight.

What makes it worse is that I have not been active on all of my social media accounts. I don't search for another love interest not had even entered in a dating site. I don't market my availability on my newsfeed Not even posting appealing images of me.

My Facebook was just a mere medium for my family and close friends to reach out at me anytime while I'm miles away.

I have been living a private life for 2 years without a single hint of new relationships.

I have been living behind tall walls so scared of showing up to another person who would likely ruin my life for the nth time by breaking my fragile heart.

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I feel so weird af...

I would pray to have someone who loves me unconditionally and genuinely and then when someone shows up, I would chicken out..

Then the pessimist side of me would delve through my accumulated MENTAL NOTES about relationships.

Here's what's going on inside my head:

As the person would slowly get close to me, I would slowly wrap my heart with layers of protection (the pent-up doubts). Trying to keep my heart off falling in love.

This may seem strange and insane but it seems I'm starting to develop such a reflex every time an imminent relationship slowly building up.

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These people wanting to love me never lasted long in my life. They just faded away until they vanished. They got tired of me. They couldn't accept the fact that all I could offer to them is platonic relationship.

It feels so neutral and good not to feel devastated by anyone. Not getting hurt. Just plain heart. Feeling nothing. Feeling Numb.

But all of the sudden, tears would trickle from my eyes, feeling weird, feeling extremely empty and sad...

Because If I would look back along the way of my recovery, I realized I have been building up such tall walls for me to the point I could no longer feel what it's like to be in love, and what it feels like being loved.

So crazy.

I feel so numb and yet still hurt for being alone.

Wants to be with someone but is so afraid to do so.

Needs love but is afraid of getting hurt.

No wonder, I am still single at 30.