So you have money, a certain amount, and someone asks you to help him. This someone could be a relative, a stranger or an NGO that contacted you. Such people use different ways, some address your compassionate heart, some use fear and implicit threats ('God will love you more if you donate to the church'). What will you do? How will you know whom to give?
To illustrate the dilemma I will use an example from real life: your son got a job 100 km from home, a job that requires him to travel back and forth 200 km every day, three hours driving in traffic jams. He turns to you and asks you to give him money, $25,000 to buy a car that will serve him well on the roads. You love of your dear son, you want his success, you know he can find a job on better terms, but he refuses to listen to you. He presses, and promises to return the money, and turns on the guilt button - he scold you for not fulfilling your commitment as his parent. What will you do? You have the money, but will you give it to him? What considerations should you consider?
In answer to the question below I have given some criteria for proper giving, which take into account only one thing - the consciousness behind giving. The rule of thumb is that if in the giving there is feeding then it is wrong.
By the way, in the case I described, the same son finally got the money, and travels 300 km every day to this day. The commute harms his health, he is aware of it. The money he received has not been returned (nor it will). Moreover, the vehicle he bought was stolen (!) And the insurance company returned only $15000 due to impairment and deductibles. The same parents understand today how their giving, which evoked from feelings of guilt and unwillingness to confront him, did not bring good in the long run.
Hi Nomad
I love giving gifts especially to my grandchildren across the ocean. It's my way for various reasons which make them happy, I'm happy as well and feel it brings them closer to me. Sometimes my gifts are too excessive. Is there a flaw in this?
Some people like to give to others. They find ways to give, whether it is in deed (volunteering for example) or in money (donations to charities, buying gifts and the like). These acts are beautiful, charming, sometimes noble and basically bring joy and happiness to the world.
But the giver should check with themselves the reason for giving. If, as you wrote, the cause is a pure rapprochement then there is no defect in it. But if the agenda is to raise your value in their eyes or in your own eyes, then these acts are inappropriate. If behind the giving lies feeding - and this is something only you can know in mental reckoning with yourself - then it is better not to give.
Feeding can be one of the following perceptions of reality:
- I give gifts to make up for my lack of attitude towards someone else;
- Giving helps me dispel the feelings of guilt that nestle in me;
- I give to feel that I am a better person;
- I give and donate to achieve something. It's common in religious institutions or denominations of various kinds that tell their believers 'donate money to us to be more spiritual or to save your place in heaven.' This is of course deception, and I use gentle words.
The bottom line is that if you give because you just want to then it's great and there's no flaw in it.
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