I think a lot of people simply just want to end the argument. The anger, yelling, fighting, or whatever makes us uncomfortable. We simply want to let it be done with so we can go back to our comfortable existence.
Some of us just fold so that the fight will be over and our spouse won't be angry with us anymore. Others retaliate hard, seeking to overpower any resistance and shut the argument down quickly so they can get back to peace. Other just stonewall or check out. They don't engage, hoping their spouse will simply go away so they don't' have to deal with the conflict.
Unfortunately, when we do any of these things, we miss a huge opportunity to grow into a deeper level of intimacy.
Contrary to popular belief, conflicts aren't bad. We just usually handle them badly. Conflict is simply two people having a differing opinion. Now, some conflicts are more difficult than others, like "I think you shouldn't have slept with that other person." but most of our conflicts are simple things like "I think the milk should be put somewhere else in the fridge", or "You put the dishes in the dishwasher differently than I would have."
Why do we avoid these conflicts? Because they're uncomfortable. Why? Probably because we're handling them poorly and because we aren't practiced at handling them effectively.
Instead, we should lean into conflicts. They're an opportunity to learn more about how our spouse feels, thinks, what they believe, and what they care about. These are important things! By avoiding the conflict, we avoid learning about them.
So, instead, learn to manage conflict effectively. Learn to communicate better. Learn to have better arguments and discussions, and you'll find you learn more about each other and the conflicts become something to look forward to.
If you're interested in learning more about how to resolve conflicts in your marriage, let me know in the comments and I'll write more about how to communicate effectively in your relationships.
Until next time,
Jay Dee
Marriage Educator
UncoveringIntimacy.com