My name is Courtney Christiansen.
I am 21 years old and I have a beautiful 5 year old little girl.
I was 15 years old when I found out I was pregnant, I was single and having decide whether or not I was ready to raise a baby as a single mum. I was 15! Of course I wasn't ready but I made what I felt was the right decision for me and my unborn child, for months I heard people whispering about how stupid I was or how my child would end up in the system because what 15 year old knows how to raise a baby at all let alone effectively.
From the get go everything was against me, I wasn't in mainstream as I had been expelled the year before so was currently doing correspondence, I didn't have a job as I didn't go out and never expected to need money for anything let alone a child, I was 15 so had all the teen parenting statistics, my sister felt I was making the biggest mistake of my life and I had a very small support group as the few friends I had left soon cut ties when they found out I was pregnant.
Over the 9 months of my pregnancy my emotions were a absolute roller coaster! My body was mentally, physically and emotionally drained because not only was my body growing for myself it was also growing for my child too. I had a rather easy pregnancy otherwise I suffered the absolute minimal morning sickness, never had problems with my midwife check-ups, everything was going great for the first time in a long time and I started to get excited waiting for my baby to arrive.
From the time I decided to keep my baby to the time I had my 20 week scan my mother and I tried to choose a name for my sproglet growing up I had the names Brooklyn Paige for a girl and Tyler James for a boy, Whilst I decided to keep Tyler James for a boy we decided to go with Bella Sophia for a girl as it was more flowing and a lot more delicate. On May 19 2011 we arrived at Bay Radiology ready to find out if I was having a little boy or little girl.
While waiting my turn for my name to be called out I picked up a magazine and started reading it trying with all my might to calm my nerves, The first page I flipped to was an advert say "Ciao Bella" Was that a sign? I was having a girl? Or was the ad trying to prepare me to say goodbye to Bella because I was in fact having a little boy? I so badly wanted a little girl not for any particular reason other than I was raised around girls, I had helped baby sit girls, I had although a very slight understanding of how girls are it was much more than I knew about boys!
"Courtney" without thinking I stood, took a step forward and looked back and my mother, older sister and the 2 woman I had chosen to be my child's godmother's. In unison these beautiful woman stood and walked with me, refusing to let me do it alone loving this baby just as much as I. Laying on the bed I will never even 5 years later forget the coldness of the gel and the moment after the scanner hit my growing belly. No one spoke i'm not even sure anyone breathed in that moment.
Stubbornly my child took 1 hour to find out what it was as it wouldn't co-operate and open its legs, but after 1 hour I was told to look at the screen closely, and I did and with out ever seeing a scan before I saw it. Well I saw what it wasn't. There was no penis in sight, and for the first time in 5 months I said "Hello Bella", In that moment I was all sorts of emotions.
I was happy I was having a girl, Sad she would never have a daddy. Angry it was my fault she would never have a daddy. Scared that in 5 short months I would be bringing my child into our absolutely doomed world. Mostly though I felt a love I had never experienced before, It was the purist, realest, and most complete love I had ever felt. This tiny baby, My tiny baby, My tiny little girl was everything I never knew i needed.
Courtney Christiansen 2016