New

I really wanted to just start a new diary ... How I had to start everything from the beginning in life.

I made all these decisions myself, and now I live as I live. But the questions do not really change. Only scenery changes. Perhaps life itself changes due to the fact that we are in some conditions unable to find answers ... Or maybe we subconsciously change it for the same reason.

Half a year ago, I turned my life around, and still could not come to my senses. Now I turned it even more, and I hardly breathe ...

Can I say that I did all this now? Probably there is no right answer and never will be. We broke up with S. Once he returned from another business trip ... and just said to me that this is all.

And then, in a second, from my cozy and beloved apartment and family life, I moved into someone else's two-room apartment in from which I had to move quickly ... with a lot of things and without money ... Without the ability to live alone, without normal work, just like this, I was alone in the middle of

I thought that I just could not stand it. After all, it was not so important, in comparison with how my love, the desire to give birth to S. daughter, and happiness broke to pieces about this finished brown laminate, which I so carefully washed, and on which I loved to walk barefoot without nothing ... I loved him so ... And I just realized that I can not hold him, I can not ask, I can not hope ... All I can do is collect things and leave.

I thought to leave home. But she did not. Last weekend I was there, and I was once again convinced that I would not return there for anything.

Today I rent myself an apartment. This is my first apartment. I myself provide ... And in general somehow itself-sama.

On the one hand, it's infinitely nice.

On the other hand, every day ... Until now, I'm clenching my teeth, fists ... and I say "Come on, fuck, come on! Hold on, you can do it!". Because in another way I simply can not cope. To me now it is very uneasy.

And I have no other option.

I understand that all this definitely looks like an end blunt whining. And what else do I have ... If day by day, I have to do something I've never done before in my life? I have too much work ... I have too much obligations to myself. For the first time in my life, there is no one else to take care of me except myself. And I still live.

And yet I'm going to make this damned life beautiful.

All I want now is money and sex. I even found myself sex, but then I lost it.

With all this miracle, I also ceased to feel anything good. There are almost no such feelings ... Just like the bad ones ...

Here's a fucking thing.

Yes, I, by the way, again began to swear terribly ... And what else remains?