Every night when I close my eyes with the intention of entering my next REM cycle, I can't help but think about two things - what I hadn't done that day but wanted to and what I want to do tomorrow, but probably won't. I'll get up tomorrow and clean the dishes, immediately, and then I'll vacuum the flat, cook a healthy vegetarian lunch whose leftovers will keep me full at work for the next couple of days. Then I'll shower, wash my hair, shave my legs, blow-dry, put my outfit on and go meet a friend for that drink I kind of didn't feel like going to. Laugh, smoke, drink, leave. Go back and waste the rest of my night in front of the TV. I then fall asleep, wake up, and most likely spend the next day planning to do what I had planned, but instead resting and preparing for Monday.
I don't like doing my job anymore. It tires me. It makes me only want to light one up and binge watch The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It used to be challenging, and now it's just annoying and takes away, little by little, my energy and nerves throughout the week. The strange part is, I don't put that much meaning into my job. My proactive and productive nature, combined with my tendency to always go for the next thing, always urges me on in my career but that doesn't mean it fulfills me. It really doesn't.
But my colleague, the woman who held my position before me, she means something. In many moments of us working together she inspires me, says something that'll shake me a little, does something that'll make me want to do even better. She also, however, warns me of what my life would become if I find too much meaning in my work. So I try hard not to.
What is meaningful then? Emotions. Mine, and of those I care about. What I mean to them, what they mean to me - how can anything else matter? The world if full of distractions and if you really look at them, all they do is make you unhappy.
Make you crave things that don't fulfill you in any way, but empty your wallet.
Make you strive for status, but long for company.
Make your house full, but your bed lonely.
So I'll get back to what matters. Good night.
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