PTSD......

Sitting in the doctor’s office today after the events of the past week. I’m feeling very uneasy and anxious with a touch of paranoia. Everything feels different now, even the warmth I felt every Friday when I would come for my sessions. It feels cold and unfamiliar. Even the hardwood floors give me pause. It took a week me to get here, but I’m here.  Had a tough time looking my favorite receptionist in the eye today. We always talked about my desire to go vegan. We’d share our stories of dating a vegetarian and cheating on them with meat. But not today. Today I checked in and took my usual seat near the door. Not sure how this session is going to go. I’m hesitant and I bit frightened. This is unfamiliar territory for me. I had mastered being in control for quite some time, I’d become the expert. Since my days as a Stepford wife to a schizophrenic ex-husband, to a financially unstable single parent. I knew how to cover up. I started counseling this year in hopes to clear out some of the fear that’s been riding me for years. The fear that had taken a toll on my body and mind, now suffering from Osteoarthritis in most of my body. I made a conscious choice to face my fear and get rid of it. In the beginning, I felt empowered and very much in control. I began opening the doors of my past with confidence and a touch of naivety, I will admit. But I started my journey none the less. Looking around and seeing all the other people waiting for their name to be called I couldn’t help but wonder what they were here for? Are they looking at me? Do I look as strange as I feel? Questions, so many questions going through my mind all at once. It was the first time since I was a child that I had felt such paranoia and disconnection all at the same time. I was morbidly afraid of what I was feeling and what I had become.  “Emily”, my therapist called from the doorway of the lobby.  I could see the smile on her face was one of concern. I fixed my mouth to smile back but it was full of pain and she always saw right through that. As we walked back to her office, I began to sweat, tingling in my armpits. I felt like I was going to the principal’s office for bad behavior. We made our usual small talk on the way to her office, but today it was forced and unnatural. I was no longer the same. “Please, have a seat”, she motioned with her hand. “So, how are you?”, she asked gently. “I’m as well as can be expected”, I said with a what the fuck happened to me tone. And without blinking she looked in my eyes and said…… “Emily, you do know that you have PTSD, right?”, “you do understand that, don’t you?”  There was an uncomfortable silence in the room as I was trying to process what she had just said. We had been meeting for months now and that word had never come up. I was stunned and in disbelief. I knew I had been through some hard times in life but I was strong and resourceful. I had made it through most of my life with my wits about me. But this time it was different. I had nothing to hide behind. It was only me and the cumulation of my life’s experiences that lead me down this road. I looked for a witty comeback or my usual inappropriate laughter I do to lighten the moment, but nothing was there. It was just me….