If there is one thing these last few months has taught me, it is to NEVER take anything for granted!
Since losing our son in April, my mental health has deteriorated and with that followed the physical illness' from neglecting taking care of myself!
This time last year I was partying hard, always living for the weekend, without a care for my own health or well-being. Then I met Jade. She changed my life for the better and I finally had something else to look forward to rather than hitting the town on the weekend. We spent our time on walks, or eating out at restaurants, spending money on things other than beer and getting high.
Then Jade got pregnant, unexpectedly and unplanned. We embraced it and both made further changes to our lifestyles in preparation for being a little human's dependent parents.
Those who know me personally will know the true extent of the changes I made and I am very proud of where I am now considering where I was a mere year ago!
Baby Oscar arrived 10 weeks early, weighing dangerously low at less than 1lb! This period was the worst period of my life, seeing my son attached to machines and pipes helping him breathe was heartbreaking and scary. As the days went on Oscar began to improve and after day 3 was breathing independently and giving us hope.
Then as day 4 drew to a close, we got a call from the hospital telling us Oscar had taken a turn for the worse and that we needed to get to hospital ASAP and prepare for the worst. Oscar died minutes after arriving in the neonatal unit. I remember falling to the floor crying into hyperventilation. Shock had taken over and we were escorted to a private room to wait for the chaplain to arrive as I requested he be christened before we had to leave him.
It wasn't until Oscar was cold and lifeless that I got to hold my baby boy for the first time. I never wanted to let go... I remember my parents and family arriving and saying what's the point in anything to my Dad. He reassured me we would make it through the darkness and come out stronger. At the time I saw nothing but wanting to leave the earth with my son.
For weeks I locked myself away from everyone close to me including Jade. I couldn't function and all I wanted to do was die. I was visited by the chaplain at the hospital as we still had to register Oscar as a living person before we could obtain his death certificate. It was like rubbing salt in an incurable wound, but the I learnt that day that the chaplain has also lost his son many years ago and he alone helped me greatly with recovering and dealing with the trauma of losing Oscar.
Today marks my first full day back at work since April. The days are slowly returning back to normal but there will always be a massive hole from our loss. We laid Oscar to rest in May and his ashes are with me all the time in our shrine at home. I genuinely believe without my family, and the professional support obtained through the hospital and my Westfield Health Scheme at work, I wouldn't be here today...
IF YOU NEED TO SPEAK OUT, PLEASE SPEAK OUT, MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT
IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK!