MY DARKEST SIDE - MY PARANOIA REALITIES

I am deeply afraid of the darkness. I do not mean night time in general, but darkness in closed rooms.

Its a fear i have not been able to overcome.

Few years ago, its was a fear of a sharp knife cutting through human skin, but i had to face real scenarios in the Hospital as a student nurse to overcome this. I cringed in the operating room each time the doctors made a cut through skin. But with multiple exposures to real life scenarios, it has somehow been a more bearable sight to see. I don't think i have overcome this Phobia, because i hate watching movies that involve knives, swords, and using them to slaughter and chop off peoples heads.. Could be a reason why i hated the movie The 300 Spartans.

I fear looking at dead bodies. As a teenager, every funeral i attended resulted to me having months of fear and attacks because of my paranoia . I'd imagine them living in the same space as i am but in their super natural form. This used to get me so scared, especially at night, and every one knew not to send me out to a dark room at night alone. Again, after working in the hospital for a while, i have managed to overcome this phobia, i'd say for a good 90%. Especially after having to deal with patients dying every day, post mortem care, and all, and attending many funerals over the years.
One person helped me by being easy with this when she told me to view it as though its the same person who was alive, but just in a Deep peaceful sleep. I'am more at ease now with that.

I make sure everything is locked before i go to bed at night, sometimes double check, triple check or more. I also have these episodes where i check everywhere in the house , under the bed, and especially behind doors immediately i enter just in case someone sneaked in and is hiding . That is why i don't do well with surprised that will involve someone sneaking in on me when i am consciously aware there is no one else around. I could literally pass out or away. lol

I hate snakes, and anything that crawls and has multiple legs.Another reason why i check around the house , under the bed, couches , pantries,stove , fridge almost every time, just in case something is hiding. Goddamit, i even check the Toilet bowl and examine thoroughly before use every morning , just in case something crawled in the middle of the night and is hiding there.

Paranoia is real , and many people do not realize it.

Recently , for about 2 months now, i have found my self sleeping at night with lights on , and or with a Bible beside me.
As a child, my grand mother encouraged me to sleep with a bible every night to avoid night mares. and whenever i did, i'd have the most peaceful sleep. I still do this as an adult from time to time.

Sometimes i manage to talk my self out of this and fight hard to divert my attention to something else to avoid the thoughts up in my head, sometimes they just get the best of me, that is why i have been sleeping with lights on because i am afraid of darkness , and closed doors.

I can't count how many times i have had anxiety attacks

Mental Disorders are real, and you would be terribly wrong to think that the only ones suffering are the ones in a Psychiatric facility somewhere or seeing a Psychiatrist..

It is a Heightened sense of awareness and there is nothing wrong with talking freely about it and admitting it. What it really comes down too is Your level of Paranoia.

Love, @purpletanzanite