You are nothing to her, unless you are everything

I have reached a point in my life when a lot of my male friends have been married and are now divorced. I understand all that they go through in their efforts to have a fun yet peaceful life. One of the dirty little secrets of divorce, is that if you share children, you remain tied to their mother forever. Not until the kids are eighteen, forever. This can be a difficult pill to swallow but one you need to choke down immediately. Sharing the raising of one or more children can be a daunting endeavor for even the most loving couple. Doing it with an ex-wife can be excruciatingly painful. But, it is necessary and must be done at the highest level you can muster. You both love your children, and you both want the very best for them. That is why it seems strange, when your ex makes the process difficult by pushing your buttons, and does things that seem mean spirited and counter to everything you both supposedly want. When a man leaves his wife for another woman you would expect the behavior. She is a woman scorned. This bitterness and anger can be easily understood. It will most likely dissipate when she has a new significant other. However, I have witnessed the identical behaviors and attitudes from ladies that left their marriage due to their own infidelity. How can this be? Why would a woman not scorned create trouble for a man that wanted to stay with her?

The answer came to me while watching the movie “American Hustle.” Amy Adams’ character tells Christian Bale’s character, that he is “nothing to her, until he is everything.” While this was
completely out of the context of which I am now relating it, it hit me like a lightning bolt. I
believe this statement characterizes one of the major differences between men and women
in relationships. Not understanding this difference leaves the man dumbstruck at the lack of
empathy, caring, common courtesy that comes from an ex wife. While she may be mad at you
I do not believe this is usually the case. She will get mad at you when you do not do exactly as
she wishes, but her feelings for you are not anger except in brief moments. Her feelings are complete indifference. The opposite of love is indifference, not hate. The man will believe since he is the father of her children, that she will always want things to work out and things to flow smoothly. I actually feel better about it all now, now that I have this perspective. You probably look at your ex as someone you loved and the mother of your kids. This is an important person to you, and her well-being is directly tied to the quality of life of you and your children. To her, you are someone that owes her money each month, takes the kids off of her hands during your custody, and irritates her when you don’t do exactly what she wants when she wants it. Keep in mind nothing nice you do for her will give you any credit or good will, or gratitude. She may even want to be grateful to you for any help you give her, but I don’t believe she can. But, you must do them anyway. Accept your role as the alpha. Take the bullets, fall on the grenade, and don’t sweat it. Allow being with a gorgeous girl or series of girls wrapped in your arms that you would never have experienced had you remained married, be your reward.

My good buddy David put it best. After being in the room while he had a long and painful phone conversation with his ex, he hung up the phone, looked at me and said, “the problem with her is that she no longer has a compelling reason to pretend to care.”