Hyperbolic Apology to Millennials

As a parent I would like to begin by making an apology to all millennials out there.  

I am sorry.

I am sorry we as parents didn’t teach you respect, unconditionally, prior to being respected.  Being shown respect starts with showing respect.  The “Golden Rule” of do unto others seems to only apply in your generation once you’ve succumb to PC pressure which is used as some sort of baptismal for conformists.  Put down the goddamn cellphone, pull up your pants and pay attention!  Address people properly and respectfully at all times.  It’s not that hard and it’s returned 10-fold when sincere.  It’s simple and you’ll enjoy it in return, I guarantee it.  Sorry, we forgot to tell you this in kindergarten where everyone else in previous generations learned it.

I am sorry we as parents didn’t teach you to value freedom for all citizens, not just the protected classes you seek to appease today for their Politically Correct status so you might identify with their “struggle”.  Your desire to not cross any PC boundaries is so extreme that you embrace those who would prefer to throw you off a building [which is mind boggling to rational humans], although you keep telling yourselves they’re different so as to not burst your self-made perception bubble.  If the gravity testers are so non-offensive to your feather-like sensibilities which everyone else seems to fluster in you constantly, why do you deride, berate, mock and ridicule those who would prefer a different, but just as orthodox, religious view?  Are they not exotic enough?  Or is it that they are just too “white” for your reverse racism/white guilt?  Ultimately, this delusional altruistic projection is the basis of your new superpower commonly referred to as rectal cranial inversion which you seem to be able to perform with Olympian swimming synchronicity when commanded to do so by CNN, MSNBC, HuffPo, or any moonbat-minded Hollywood star.

I am sorry we as parents didn’t teach you the value of work.  And not just hard work, but obviously any work given your collective level of drive and ambition.  The “handout” generation might be a more accurate moniker than millennials.  Completely lacking in experience or skills you demand a “living wage with full benefits” without anything more than a GED to offer an employer.  You want prizes for showing up for work, promotions for staying awake on the job, and bonuses even if the business isn’t prosperous that year, regardless of if you actually contributed to or hindered the effort.  Your entitled views and demands make the children of monarchs the world over look like monastic devotees by comparison.

I am sorry we as parents failed to teach you the valuable lessons learned through competition and teamwork at an early age.  Later in life the lack of these values are quite apparent.  Perhaps instead of the “handout” generation you’re actually the “Participation Trophy” generation.  You falsely state a desire for equal opportunity, when what you really mean is you desire equal outcome, a hallmark of socialism and communism.  I doubt you would know the actual definition of those governmental ideologies, but take it from a classically educated individual, you are obviously NOT looking at history to support your leanings.  I imagine it’s your impression that you “special snowflakes” have some new divine insight or completely narcissistic but equally delusional selfless viewpoint that will allow you to be able to successfully implement a collectivist system of government that’s historically failed EVERY SINGLE TIME it’s been attempted; because we know that Marx, Lenin, Mao, and Stalin just didn’t do it in your “special” way.

I am sorry we as parents failed to instill in you an admiration of the greatest country on Earth [to date], the United States of America.  You belittle it on a whim, but embrace it when it suits your waffling, ideological political views.  You burn the flag then whine like a 2 year old in a supermarket when the police don’t arrive in 30 seconds if you break a fingernail.  You condescend individual achievements, and if it is in your benefit, you condone the most vile of corruptions.  You treat our Veterans worse than dirt, unless they embrace your divisive rhetoric, and then parade around in the freedoms you enjoy because of their collective sacrifice all the while attempting to give away the store to any illegal with a sob story of woe that happens along.  Your “what have you done for me lately” attitudes that you base your fairweather patriotism on are the height of disrespect for everyone who’s ever shed a single drop of blood or lost a loved one in defense of this nation.  We are supposed to be a nation of laws to be impartially applied to ALL instead of selectively applied to whomever is on the social pariah list today.  I’m sure you missed that part with all the budget cuts to your public schools in areas of Civics, Government and The Constitution which you can thank us for as well.

I am sorry we as parents coddled you so much you’re now victims of insane phobias and irrational “triggering”.  Your “safe spaces” are akin to segregation and an absolute scar on the proud heritage of inspirational persons overcoming oppression, hardship, strife, and torment in the United States.  Dr. King, Rosa Parks, Cesar Chavez, Malcolm X, Crispus Attucks [a free black man btw; look him up since I’m sure your history classes failed you there too], freed slaves, westward settlers, the Irish, and Chinese immigrants [shit, even just farmers and factory workers these days] would be appalled at the pussification of the current 18-30 age group.  You proclaim freedom of speech, but shout down, intimidate, and threaten those with whom you disagree.  Yes, you might have PTSD but it’s nothing like that of our servicemen and women, and for the millennials should be renamed “Pussified Tantrum Screaming Disorder”. You do NOT do your ancestors proud based on the actions you’ve displayed of late.

I am sorry we as parents failed to teach you the definitions of the words ‘tolerant’ and ‘diversity’.  You claim to be tolerant, but only to those with whom you agree.  You claim to desire diversity but only at the exclusion of anyone not “acceptable” to your brainwashed, metro-sexual, bourgeoisie viewpoint.  Like bubble-headed sorority sisters you’ll sit around and scorn those who do not recite your mantra verbatim.  Your quasi-intellectualism fed by Starbuck’s addictions does not make you clairvoyant, omniscient, or even insightful for that matter [although it might be possible given the caffeine quantities you’re ingesting], but rather condescending, base, and dimwitted.  Smart people, educated people look to others with experience for guidance not their semi-worldly BFF because they took a class in comparative religions last semester and spent a summer in France.  For once, look to Gandhi instead of Hitler for inspiration, it’s much more becoming.

I am sorry that without our guidance you have become the worst kind of hypocrites, sycophants, enablers, bullies, and abusers in history, all wrapped into each of you, and all because of your self-indulgent self-righteous zealotry to believe that if you think it and your narrow minded echo chamber circle of friends agree, it must be right.  For proof of how backwardly wrong this kind of collective thinking is, simply look to recent polls by the MSM and how well they predicted the outcome; this is what GroupThink gets you.  You claim to be a victim then victimize anyone who doesn’t instantly agree with your entire worldview.  Take a look in the mirror you special snowflakes, you’re actually the embodiment of all you say you hate.  You wrap yourselves in the role of savior the moment your feeble little inexperienced minds identify a perceived wrongdoing and instantly justify oppressing the supposed wrongdoer with the same if not more vitriol, venom and disgust.  Forget even worrying about convicting someone of an illegal act, if you say in your self-aggrandizing victim voice while shedding a few tears that they’re guilty then the world should treat them as such or be treated exactly like the accused.  So much for a country of laws.  You are the prime example of “2 wrongs don’t make a right”, although your toadie squad you generally have in trail will cheer you on like a 3rd grade class cheering a bully just so you don’t ostracize them as well. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for righteous vengeance when appropriate, but damn your generation took it to a whole new level of disgusting for the most minor of offenses.  I’m almost afraid to walk near a girl and accidentally bump elbows for fear of being set upon by the rabid anti-rape-culture bots of late.  [To my daughters: any sane person knows rape is disgusting and we sympathize and condemn it if it happened to you, but *newsflash* BLAME THE ABUSER and stop fucking blaming society for some asshole’s issue.  Your self-righteous generalizing rants are driving everyone but your sycophantic giggle-squad away from you.]  Now, when your victimization becomes your ENTIRE political platform/agenda, you don’t need the right candidate, you need therapy.  And why the hell does being a victim become a full time job for some of you?  Again, therapy!  Anyway, I digress, but the collective treatment you give to those you disagree with makes ISIS torture or waterboarding look almost bearable, even welcomed by some.  Your bootlicking boyfriends that you choose after your abusive relationship excursions are the worst kind of enablers while they indulge and reaffirm your victimization to the point of hysteria just so they can seem the “safe one” that “believes you” so you place them on their preferred cuckold pedestal for eternity.

And to my sons, just be glad DCFS [the CPS of Illinois] exists.  In my teen and 20-something days personal responsibility, restraint and fear of my father were in the forefront of my mind if I were to do anything even close to what you idiots think is acceptable these days.  We obviously weren’t allowed to instill that into the bubble-wrapped kids who are attempting to play adults today for fear of having the all powerful CPS called by the first teacher, bus driver, or nosey neighbor that even heard of a spanking happening to one of their little “angels”.  So yes, those little abusive boyfriend bad-boys you think you’re attracted to, move in with then call us in the middle of the night to come rescue you from are our fault too.  We allowed the government whackjobs to take over that responsibility of imparting discipline because the modern, enlightened, progressive family shouldn’t use negative reinforcement to get their point across [or else we’ll throw you in jail].  Thanks a fucking lot Dr. Spock!

But, it’s not your fault, you were crippled at birth by a cultural retardation that kept your parents either too high, too unavailable, too distant, too drunk, too divorced, too busy, too stupid, or too lazy to give you the proper skills, focus, respect, and etiquette with which to address the challenges of daily life.  The laurels of business and industry and the trappings of opulence can be laid all around us due to our skewed priorities during your youth, but YOU are our biggest failure.  You are destined to repeat that failing in your offspring unless you choose to do something different.  If you snap [not snapchat] your way out of your collective Orwellian GroupThink [you might have to look that one up too since I’m sure literature outside of Saul Alinski approved texts are foreign to you] you, and your children, might have a chance.  Put down the Kool-aid, stop blaming the world for your and our failures, stop attributing false narratives and generalizations to those you have a simple disagreement with, stop acting like pansies and start acting like adults.  

Obviously, this apology is not meant for every single millennial out there, there are some of you who were lucky enough to be taught properly from early on, but my best guess based on voting records, facebookery, and empirical evidence show that to only be about 15-20% of that population.The best apology we as parents of millennials can make is acknowledging our failures and dedicating ourselves to ensuring that our grandchildren, whom the grandparents seem to be raising nowadays since the parents are likewise absent like we were, aren’t as fucking stupid as our children.  We get a second chance and if we do it right it might skip a generation.

Full disclosure, I have 4 children, 2 daughters and 2 sons and not all of them are as screwed up as I portray.  Based on my previous statements let it suffice that “if the shoe fits, wear it”, they’ll know who they are.  If you think I’m talking about you, you’re probably right [I’m not btw you self-absorbed little twit].  In hindsight, perhaps the recently proposed late-term abortions were too soft a response to unwanted offspring or bad decision making.  Post-term abortions might be a better idea for the survival of our species, say up to and including the 84th trimester [that’s age 21 for you calculator requiring public school dolts], just for good measure.  Raising kids in the midwest suburbia of Shermer, Illinois to be respectful, productive members of society was supposed to be easy, or so we were told [Fuck you, John Hughes!].  If there’s a saving grace at all for my progeny it’s that they weren’t raised in the vapid cesspool of west coast dumbfuckery [kids, if you’re reading this from there GET OUT NOW while you still have a chance at being a free thinker and not a mindless salon.com or dailykos victim-bot].

Remember, words are just words and if mine have been offensive to you then you need to look in that mirror quick.  We live in a country of free-speech and what we used to think was an open environment for discourse, regardless of how offensive YOU might think I am.  I hate to tell you this but, you weren’t FORCED to read this.  This was written out of love and sincere desire to see a bright future in this country.  We have problems in this country that can be fixed if we work together, not separately or adversarially to fix them, but we all need to recognize our own shortcomings honestly in order to be on the same team, or if not, at least working towards a mutually beneficial goal.  Blaming others from your lack-of-responsibility-for-myself “safe space” is no longer acceptable.  If you can’t see and appreciate that then YOU are part of the problem.

Now, WAKE THE FUCK UP, GET A JOB, AND GET OFF MY LAWN!     

PS:  Man-bun's look fucking stupid!

/rant