Living with Mindfulness: Responding vs Reacting

I think we pretty much all know the feeling: Something unexpected-- that's usually also a setback-- comes up... or someone says something that really annoys us and rubs us the wrong way... and we feel a sudden "heat" rising up inside... maybe our feelings are really hurt.

What happens next?

Do you react to the person/situation, or do you respond? And what is the difference, anyway?

The vast majority of the world tends to be quite reactive. When they encounter something that shakes their fundamental beliefs or ideas or plans... they tend to "react in the moment," without much thought to the impact their words or actions might have.

Some argue it's "just natural," and will often say they had "no choice," but often the outcome of "reacting" can cause quite a few more problems than the original situation warranted. Reacting tends to "interrupt" others... and often puts us in a frame of mind where we become cognitively deaf and unable hear anything but our own point of view.

As I said before, some argue "but I can't HELP it!" as a way to justify and rationalize their reactive outbursts... but is that really true?

The Danger of Responding to a Memory

The ironic thing is that a lot of people who seem "reactive" are actually responding to a memory, or to something in their past-- not at all to the current situation.

This cognitive blindness-- leading to reactivity-- is particularly true when it comes to "taboo" topics like religion, politics or money.

How so? Well, someone might be saying something completely harmless and kind to us... but because they "fit in a particular group" we have previously determined (ahead of time) that we dislike, we don't even hear them; they could be offering us $1000 in cash, and we still bristle at their very presence.

"Responding" in tense and difficult situations seems to come naturally to a few people... for many of us, it's a learned skill to "pause and consider" before either blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, or taking the first action we can think of.

The old idea of "counting to ten" before acting on something is an early example of how we can teach ourselves not to "react." It gives us the necessary time break to allow us to think about what we're going to do or say next.

Most things are NOT Personal!

One of the challenges we face is that we tend to "take things personally" when we hear something we don't agree with... or that might even be counter to our core beliefs or values.

Most of the time, however, these statements are not personal. Most people are far too wrapped up in their own dilemmas and phobias to go out of their way to deliberately insult you... most such situations happen inadvertently. People are simply stating their opinion, not launching an "attack" on us.

Responding can be tricky because it asks us to truly listen to the other person's point of view, while suspending our own judgment until we have deliberated a bit on what was said. It also asks us to be open to the possibility that the other person is actually right, at least based on their perspective and experience.

Learning to RESPOND to close family... instead of fighting

Responding, rather than reacting, can be particularly challenging when it comes to people we know well-- especially family members. Why?

Mostly because we tend to have already "made up our mind" about them... and so we tend to be somewhat closed off to the possibility that they might actually have something worthwhile to offer. Aside from the possibility that they might have learned something new since we last "argued" five years ago... merely approaching a dialogue from a place of wanting to understand their point of view can change the entire dynamic of the interaction to where "fighting" is no longer necessary.

Similarly, we also must be particularly mindful around people who don't share our political or religious beliefs... we often fall into the habit to "pre-judging" them based on their core beliefs ALONE... so we don't really hear them, regardless of what they are saying.

In case it sounds like I'm suggesting we need to "turn the other cheek," or "roll over and play dead," I am definitely not! I'm merely opening the possibility that there's a solution in "agreeing to disagree" from a place of mutual understanding.

Yes, some people are "hard nuts to crack," but at least you'll be able to walk away from the situation knowing that you did your part to communicate mindfully.

What do YOU think? Are you more likely to react or respond? Do you wish you handled tense or confrontational situations better, or differently? Are you able to pause and listen to someone who's ideas and viewpoints are not like yours? Leave a comment and share your experiences-- start the conversation!

(As always, all text and images by the author, unless otherwise credited. This is original content, created expressly for Steemit)