We always make fun of Australians for losing a war to emus... but, really, we've been losing the war against wild hogs in Mississippi for decades.
Despite being the most heavily armed population of hunting enthusiasts on Earth, we lose more territory each year to hooved invaders as relentless as they are delicious.
Rumor has is that folks in Adams County practically live off Cajun-spiced wild pork, yet they're forced to retreat farther and farther into inner-Natchez as unoccupied territory grows thinner by the week.
I drove through what was once my father's home county of Wilkinson a few months ago. But all I saw was a spiraling mass of unchecked kudzu, and all I heard was squealing. I fear we may have lost Woodville, Centerville, and Liberty, as I haven't heard from anyone in months. Most verifiable reports suggest survivors may be down to a few dozen.
My cousin attempted to lead a band of displaced Madisonites to a reputed Arkansas safe-haven. I warned him that it was a terrible idea to seek shelter in a place already so overrun by razorbacks that the people wear silly little pig hats to appease their swine overlords. But he dismissed this as a ridiculous wives' tale. Even when I swore I'd personally heard the subjugated souls of Arkansas 'Calling the Hogs' as tribute, he still refused to listen... HE WOULDN'T LISTEN!
The migrants had their busses derailed on I-55, blindsided by a herd of grunting sows. Immobilized, the Madisonites unwisely turned due west and attempted to walk the rest of the way through porker-infested Delta country. They ran out of ammunition after only one day, and those who fell behind... I can't bring myself to say... When the few starving, river-soaked survivors finally washed up on the Arkansas shore, their elation quickly gave way to screaming. They huddled together and begged God to grant them a quick, merciful death as tusked beasts closed in from all directions.
Hurricane Katrina couldn't stop us. We pulled together and rebuilt. But I must admit, the Great Hog War has really tested my resolve. I know I have to keep fighting, as do we all. And I cling to the dream that future generations of Mississippians may someday inhabit a land ruled by man, not swine. But it is not this day. I fear we're losing the war to these unkosher intruders, and each new sunrise alights a less hopeful world.