Money Less

“What does it profit them if they gain the whole world, but lose or forfeit themselves?” — Luke 9:25

I've been almost cashless for 5 years. I had always been able to earn plenty of money before, but as I became conscious of consumer society and the destructive nature of unsustainable economic growth models, hierarchical power structures, and the antisocial nature of individualism & resource competition, I became repelled by participating these social models. I wanted out. I chose not to work for money, and rather to do things I felt compelled by, and if cash was part of what someone wanted to offer, I'd accept it. I did the things that seemed right to do, rather than "work" for money. I wanted to connect to people based on reciprocity, need, community, sharing. It's been a journey I don't regret, though one I didn't know how to navigate. An impossible journey at this juncture in this culture (U.S.A.).

Many people questioned my choice or my motives. It got hard. I slipped into survival mode at some point. My focus became hazy.. I nearly forgot why I was doing it, doubted myself. In the end, I decided it was time to regroup get grounded. Hence, returning to school. I'm returning to study Cognitive Science and Anthropology with a focus on social and systems theory and sustainability.

It took me a long time to realize how much my self esteem was suffering due to my psychological programming around money and self worth. I didn't realize I had slipped into a poverty mindset, that my body had become stressed, that my self esteem and my health had been getting fragile. I can't put it all into words, but i know I was suffering, and I'm only just beginning to realize how much.

I just recently got a financial aid check. I have enough money to meet my basic needs again without struggle and dependence on people who may or may not understand and respect me. This is no small moment after five years. I can rest. But first I will cry.