Day FortyThree - Feb 12

I was born a girl.

I never felt especially effeminate, although I have been told throughout my life all the things that make me "girly."

I am graceful and dainty, apparently. Those are "effeminate" qualities. I have always felt clumsy and oafish but I will give a bit of weight to the opinions of others, ceding that they may observe things about my self that I see from a skewed view.

I am nurturing, apparently, and always the caretaker of the children. I would argue the first bit but go along with the second. I don't find myself to be overly nurturing. Or really all that nurturing at all. I lean more toward fact than feeling. I have a very hard time not hurting feelings with truth. It is something I am still learning.

I am tall and slender and I should "show off what God gave me." Although, that's slutty to me. I prefer to stay covered up, personally. I learned, I don't remember where, when I was very young that you choose a feature to show off and that is what is sexy and also subtle. I generally choose my legs, though on occasion it has been a low backed long dress that I choose. Because the small of my back is just as good as my legs. Don't show it all off at once, though, leave some things to the imagination. That's what good girls do.

The things I am that don't fit the mold, though, far outnumber my "girly traits."

I am loud and opinionated. This is not a sought after quality in females. You can think what you want in this moment and say what you want in this moment but the truth is that girls should keep their mouths shut. That is the perception. An opinionated female is trouble. She is challenging. She is work. I am happy to be those things. But many girls just learn to shut up.

I am smart, brilliant even, and I USE my brain. For all the things. This is not popular for girls to do. Simple things, like contouring and fashion trends should fill the minds of females . Stop worrying your pretty little head about war in Palestine, leave that to the men.

I am loyal, forthright and honest. These qualities will kill your popularity as a young female. There is something about the female society that involves lying to people's faces and stabbing them in the back the moment they turn around. I cannot do that, I am not good at it. I will tell you to your face that GirlA doesn't like you because BoyB is paying attention to you and she wants him. And then, I am the girl that gets put on the outside of the circle. Because the girl that I told ... she is also a girl ... and she will smile to my face and take the information and then go tell GirlA that I have said something behind her back. The catty crap turns on you. I do not forget that, so when GirlA tried to be my friend next week because she sees BoyB talking to me about basketball, I turn my back to her. Literally. And shut her out of the conversation. Because I don't play these stupid fucking games.

I am not a victim, I missed that in the birth line. When I got my vagina, I missed my victim card. I was born with a brain that functions and knows - I make choices, some of those choices have negative consequences. I have hard work to do. No one is going to hand me things in life. If I want it, I have to work for it. Just like a man. Sometimes harder than a man has to .... because other men think that only men could do it.

I see black and white. I see wrong and right. I see favours and failures. I don't see feelings. I feel them sometimes, but they are perceptive and mutable. Right and wrong is not. What is right is always right, across the board. What is wrong is always wrong, across the board. That alienates me from the female group. For, within that group right and wrong changes based on feeling and perception at the time (example - it's ok to kill babies, if they are still inside you. example - it is ok to lie to a boy about wanting to go out with him because you don't want to hurt his feelings in the moment he asked you. WRONG. those things are both still wrong and you are choosing to ignore what is right/wrong for your own personal benefit in the moment. females do it all the time.)

I honestly believe that my value as a person is based on what I can and do do for other people. Not what I look like. I honestly believe that doing good work is the key to happiness and living on after your body is gone. I do not think how my cheekbones appear matters.

And so, when discussing something with me, where should one assume I belong? With women, because of my body parts? With men, because of how I feel? or ... don't group me, maybe. Just talk to me about my life experiences. And I will just listen to you talk about yours.

I identify as Jenn.

Please recognize how insulting it is to me when you say "ya but you're a woman" because I have never been welcome in that group. To put me in with a group identity that rejects me is quit insulting. To judge me based on values of that group is hurtful. To assume I have similar life experiences as people who have, often times, been my abusers ... is really not nice. It's the same as looking at the red headed boy with glasses and grouping him with the jocks. Ya, they both have penises, but their life experiences are not based solely on having the same genitalia.

It took me many years and hard work to own my womanness without falling prey to the stereotypes. It took me many years to be comfortable calling myself a woman, even, in spite of having a vagina and even giving birth ... because of the assumptions and stereotypes pushed on women.

I am not the only woman who feels this way, either. There are many of us. Who have never fit in with "what women should be" and we don't want to!

I would never assume any man is the same as "all men" because of body parts. Grant me the same courtesy. Or I will beat it into you. Like a man.