I have always approached writing my movie reviews like I am talking to a friend who values his/her time as much as I do. Sometimes this requires quite a bit of explanation. However, sometimes I just want to grab a buddy and say, "You have to see this movie!" Far more often it seems I want to grab that same buddy and say, "Whatever you do, don't waste your time on this movie!"

If you would indulge me, I'd like to do the same thing here.

So here is my first official installment of

Is It Worth Your Time?

Although I will keep this quick, I do think it is important to note that I was a HUGE Motley Crue fan when I was a kid. And let's remember how old I am. This means that I was listening to the two albums "Too Fast for Love" and "Shout at the Devil" every single day before heading off to 6th grade and then again the second I got home. I had tons of posters and even a freaking Motley Crue Velcro wallet (I was sooooooo cool... just ask my mom). To tell you the truth, if Live Wire, Too Fast for Love, Looks that Kill, Helter Skelter, or Shout at the Devil suddenly started blaring from my computer, I would bang my head and sing along.

As a result, there was a ton of feelings of nostalgia working for this movie. I probably should have loved it. However, like the band's music, this movie flamed out very quickly. Just like I didn't like much of what the Crue put out after the first two albums, I also didn't like much of what was on my screen after the first 30 minutes.

Just what every 6th grader should be consuming...

The Dirt starts with a little background about why bassist Nikki Sixx was so F'd up. Next we see the band come together... which was fun. Then comes the completely gratuitous stripper and sex scenes all set to the early Motley Crue music. That was about what I expected. The highlight was a scene of them shooting the epic video for Looks that Kill (which I watched so much when I was a kid that I wore out the VHS tape I had used to record it from TV).

Then the movie becomes almost laughable. The acting is HORRENDOUS. In addition, dramatic scenes about death are so freaking cliche that I wanted to laugh more than cry (and these tragedies really happened). It was as if I made a movie about Motley Crue when I was a Freshman in high school. I would cut very dramatically from crying faces to close ups of hands and then back again. It would be so freaking awesome!

Then I'll take the camera... wait for it... underneath the Crue! Epic!!!!!

Did you ever find a love letter you wrote when you were 13? At the time you thought it was so deep and moving. But reading it now, you thank god that you never sent it because it is flat out ridiculous. Well that is The Dirt.

I bet the book is far better than this movie. I would imagine reading the book allows one to picture all of these scenes in their own head without them being ruined by some of the worst acting and directing I have ever seen.

Is The Dirt worth your time?

Well if you would like to see a love letter to Motley Crue written by a 13 year old, then go for it. Otherwise just watch the first 30 minutes, go see if you can still fit into the leather pants you had as a teenager, and rock out to this:

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