James Cameron, Blue Breasts and Project Blue Beam -- My Epic Rap Review of "Avatar"

(Intro)

James Cameron was the ultimate sci fi auteur. Aliens, Terminator & The Abyss are some of the best sci fi movies ever made. Then after a 10 year hiatus, Cameron finally announced his new sci fi epic...

(Verse 1)

So, today let's discuss the much anticipated sequel
to Kevin Costner's classic western masterpiece.
The makers changed it up a bit of course, as you do.
They gave the Sioux blue skin, and they're taller by a couple of feet.

But the story is so fucking similar,
that it might as well be labelled as a television re-run.
Without further ado, here's Av-a-tar:
James Cameron's Dances with Wolves Two!

It's genius, a master-stroke!
Take the dudes from the frontier make 'em bluer, taller, war-ier blokes!
Wait, what's that? Avatar wasn't a sequel at all?
It's original sci-fi? It should have been the balls!

Damn that's a shame, I better turn about face
I was ok when I thought it was the case
That JC had took a leaf outta the book of Jason X;
and set his cheesy sequel in space!

James' dialog has always been a bit stiff.
But this? It's fucked up, next level shit!
He tried to make the aliens look so fucken real,
But unless they talk like people, where's the audience appeal?

I'm so puzzled by this failure, that I had to get a book,
I'm not a reader per-se, but I thought I'd take a look,
Low and behold, I think I found the problem here!
On the script you spent 2 weeks, but on the tech? 10 fucking years!

(Chorus)

JC you were my hero!
What the hell is this shitfest?
Stop trying to justify it,
with flashes of blue breast!

You used to be untouchable,
Not in the DePalma way...
Did all those marine docos...
Make your talent wash away?

You chose gadgets over story...
What was in your cranium!?
If you tried to give us both, mate,
It was unobtainium'd.

(Bridge)

A bunch of cardboard cutouts, in a cookie cutter story.
Seen the plot a thousand times, but never told this poorly!
It's pure spectacle. It's pretty glowing leaves.
The only thing you care about is the giant fucking tree!

(Verse 2)

This hamfisted romance... Jesus, fuck me dead!
Did you think it was romantic? Are you messing with my head?
So banal and condescending. Less sexy than Right Said Fred
ET's fucking in the jungle? Can I watch you and Sarah Conner instead?

And did I hear that right? Did she just say "I see you"?
How'd you pick that stinker? Did you dream it like T2?
Oh wait I think I get it, it's a fucking metaphor!
Coz this put me in a coma in the I...C.U ward!

So Avatar was a box office success,
But can JC claim that he really gave his best?
We bought your fucken tickets, lined up to see your flick.
Doesn't mean we came away, satisfied with tiny blue tits.

How did this traversty, even ever get greenlit?
What were Sony's thoughts, funding 10 years of smurf shit?
Is is possible that maybe profits weren't the focus?
James' puppet-masters pulled some dodgy hocus pocus?

There never was a movie that produced more fucken tech.
The stuff that war and NASA, ain't designed to manifest.
Technology is handy for well, say project Blue Beam!
Could that be the truth behind the special effects dream team... ?