My Life Unedited.... Memoirs of a Soldier part 2

I deployed in 2002 and within 6 months i was attached to a Special Teams unit. We started looking and catching PIFWICS(People indited for war crimes). Not to long after my first mission with them i found out that i was quit good at CQC(close quarters combat). I starting working with more and more specialty equipment than i ever knew existed. I fought every firefight as if it was my last. I never knew what sparked such a fervor in me to fight. I threw myself into it, heart mind body and soul. I had a mission and it was crucial that i complete it. I had discovered something about myself and mankind as a whole that i didnt think was possible. I discovered that deep down inside every human being a a fark animalistic part of us all that lurks below the surface just waiting to be freed. Do I think anyone gives a shit anout my life or what ive been through? Honestly, I doubt it nor do I care. Im writing all this in hopes that one day somewhere, some asshole who is lost after being cast aside when your no longer needed. They are the warriors wondering if they will drink with their nrothers in Valhalla, or be doomed to wander the afterlife alone and forgotten. Or for my brothers who followed the christian path and now spend the last of their lives wondering if they will get in to heaven or be doomed to burn for eternity in Hell for what we did in war. As far as me... Doesnt matter ive come to terms with the fact im probably doomed either way. I was barely 19 years old the first time i killed a man. Over the next 4 years i would take many lives but none resonated with me as much as the first. Not a day goes by that i dont think about him or the hot sticky blood as is gushed across my hand as my blade ended his shout of alarm before it could escape his throat. That is the night i found my gift. I learned i was adept at slipping quietly behind enemy lines and not being found. It seemed growing up in the mountains in Montana hunting for dinner also made me a better soldier. And my mothers many abusive boyfriends prepared me for what was to come. It seems i got off track, I apologize now cause it os likely gonna happen often as i write this and remember the events of the last 40 years. Some good but most werent. And some were down right brutal. Its been 21 years since i first killed a man. Ive been engaged 6 times married 3 divorced twice and my third marriage is strained. My wife bless her heart has seen me go from happy as can be to grabbing my rifle and diving behind the nearest cover. Ive dealt with addiction alcoholism dwpression suicide attempts, carried the caskets of brothers killed in action as well as those that killed themselves cause they couldnt find their way back. Every day that i wake up I question why i am still alive when everything in my life has been stacked against me. Why did i survive what killed the man next to me. The only answers i come up with is Rangers never quit and God must love to see us embrace the suck.