09/17/17

Here we go again. Here I am crying while trying to watch 'Despicable Me.' After the incident it's been hard for me to continue my life how it use to be. I remember how last year my man and I we would see each other constantly before there were issues. Wait no there were always issues with him. My mom didn't like him. That doesn't matter, kinda. I'm sad. We use to see each other all the time. Now we hardly see each other. Not because we can't because we can but he's trying to be safe. We might not even see each other after court so his lawyer told him. It hurts. I'm trying to be strong. I was going to see him tomorrow. I said a sentence that upset him. So we won't be seeing each other. I wonder if he really thinks about what I'm feeling. I always think about what he's feeling. You know what I hate about myself that I always love so hard. But not just with anyone. I really do love him. There's issues in the relationship some he doesn't really want to let go. I won't force him. I just want us to be happy together. You know what I always dream about ever since this issue involving him going to jail. I dream about peace. In a world where I don't have my mom nagging saying he isn't the one for me. Where he never went to jail. Where there was no violence. Where we can see each other. It went from me living with him sometimes seeing him for a whole day to hardly or perhaps not seeing him for months. It kills me. He hasn't asked about my feelings in a while. I would love to have a family trip and he's there with my family and they get along. But that won't happen my mom doesn't like him. It's hard. It really is hard. You know as a 20 year old who has been spoiled, I never really been happy. I don't care about things I don't care about going places. Just simple understanding and love. I know he loves me it's just hard. I hate how sentimental I am. I hate how I cry so easily. I hate how I hardly will see him. I am trying to be strong but lately I've been super sad. Ever since the accident I had I haven't been the same. I don't want to fall into depression again. But it is true he has been thinking about himself. I try to understand him and I have understood his point of view. But we can still see each other before it goes darker than it already is. I want us to be how we were in the beginning. So in love. Seeing each other. But it's changed. I don't like change and I'm losing it. I feel we're falling apart. I see it. The time he was super romantic was when I was in the hospital but now he's back to who he is. I'm okay with it but I was told it's the circle of violence. We're a domestic violence relationship and it kills me when I say this. How I wish it wasn't like this. I don't want to lose him but I feel like I slowly am. And it's killing me and I'm depressed and upset. But he won't ask about my feelings. He won't even let me see him so it's okay I'll just write about it and cry. Besides that's how it's always been with no one really asking about how I feel. I guess no one really takes me into consideration. Or I'm being an "egotistical bitch." He said that to me once. Now I'm not holding a grudge over it just hurt that he said that. Because all I ever do is think about him and what's best for him. Even for court I was going to defend him but who's going to defend me? I have to defend me. I'm losing it and I need help. I hope I go to therapy soon. I really need it.