forgiving the narcissist. This post is for me.

This is what I struggle with. I like to think that I can forgive, move on, let it be.

but it's not that easy. you see, us humans are equipped with emotions. for better or not, most of us have emotions, we love, we hate, we fear, loathe, lust, crave, etc. but the narcissist doesn't. they just don't. i still don't know why, But I wish they could.

But they can't. it isn't possible. So what do I do? Really? I am stuck. I love my narcissist, with all I can, or ever have. I love her with everything. but she doesn't care at all about me!!

I have left, I am moving on, but, I still love her, with all of my everything, I am sick with this, I love her, but can't ever, and I mean ever, be face to face with her again, because she will abuse me again.

I, a man, am weak. I can do all kinds of things with tools, and steel, wood, cables, etc, because, damnit, I'm a man!, but this emotional stuff, well, I'm broken. I wish I was one of those people that weren't emotional, but I'm not.

So I find myself in this reality, where I am super strong, the go-to guy, for all kinds of things, but I can't fix this. I can't fix it alone anyway!.. I just can't do it.

I have to take some time for myself, and I've never really done that. But i'M GOING TO!. i'm gonna go to Vancouver this winter I think and maybe even Vegas. Its just something I have to do. by myself,, just get away. That's a really big thing for me. to do that for myself. it feels bad to think of, to do something for myself.

so forgiveness, that's a big thing. but I forgive my ex. I forgive her here and now, of everything. here, written down,

I forgive you, Kay, for everything, for all the name calling, belittlement, verbal and emotional abuse, I forgive you, for the gaslighting, and lying, I forgive you for the battery and abuse, I forgive you. I forgive you.

And I move on.

I'm sorry, this post was about me, and not really for you all.
I know those that read my blog are supportive of me, and I thank you.