There comes a time in everyone’s life where they stop with all the charades… when they realise that the mask they have been wearing for all their life no longer serves them. Some people are in their teens, some in their twenties. For me, it’s right now.
I am 40, sitting at the kitchen table on a particularly hot day in January. My 4-year-old son and 11-year-old step son are in the front room playing games and my now ex-partner is away with mates enjoying some much-needed time out of the house.
I have what I believe is NPD, or Narcissist Personality Disorder. After years and years of not feeling quite right inside, I entered a relationship with a beautiful Soul under the presumption that I was totally fine and could offer her the world and would be her knight in shining armor, who has come to save her from years of emotional and physical abuse from men in her life. Well that couldn’t have been any further from the truth. I have destroyed her with my neglect, emotional and psychological abuse over the last 5 years all based on the ‘idea’ that I had in my head that I was the good guy, and I could fix this. I skirted around every issue that was ever brought up, because I was afraid to look in the mirror and truly acknowledge what my problem was. I didn’t trust that she would accept me for who I am, instead I became resentful and manipulative – a common trait for someone with NPD.
I am the product of a childhood no different to a lot of other people. Single mum who worked full time. She has two children, one is problematic and the other (me) just sort of fades into the background and goes within to not create any more problems for his mum, who then labels him as a ‘good boy who is no problems at all’. That, coupled with the feelings of abandonment from my father and BAM.. you have a breeding ground for NPD. I have paraphrased my childhood here for a reason: it doesn’t really matter what went on, it’s not worth going over and over trying to figure these things out, what only matters is how I treat the present moment while learning what my triggers are and not repeating the same cycle.
So, we skip forward. A couple of failed relationships under my belt and then the big one.. I met Sylvia when we were both in relationships – hers was a little more complicated than mine but mine was the generic “been together for a few years, marriage and children were presumed because that’s just what you do”. I was not into this at all and meeting Sylvia felt like divine intervention. We fell for each other deeply. Looking back on this now it was lust, physical attraction and yearning to be together when we couldn’t that all combined to us deciding to make a leap of faith and follow our hearts towards each other. Now this could have been actual bliss – I was with a woman who loved me for who I appeared to be – a kind, loving, strong, sexy man. I have learnt since that as a coping mechanism from perceived traumas when I was younger that I made a fake outer shell of myself. Feeling things were either too intense, or were not reciprocated or whatever and I made a coping mechanism which led me to essentially move on in life with an avatar as a personality – an online ID in a real world (interesting point to note that from my early 20’s I spent most of my time womanising females on the internet). I loved the chase, the online chatrooms that allowed this introvert to be bold – not an uncommon theme, I am sure, and along with a healthy porn (or more to the point – addiction to the quick, convenient (no feelings) release of masturbating), I was moving into my 20’s with an unhealthy mind who could not communicate, which meant asking for help was impossible (my developing ego wouldn't allow it anyway). I always had a feeling that something was up – but ignored it – it felt like I had no one to ask for help or describe the feeling, even if I had the capability of doing so, and I guess this can be put down (not blamed) to societies conditioning of males.
One of the main reasons for the pain and suffering that I have caused myself and people around me is the inability to live in the present moment. I dwell on the past and worry about the future, and when doing this I completely fuck right now, the present moment. So, while writing this is actually doing that, I see this as a sort of confessional, a gauge as to where I am at right now… it’ll be the last time I write about this in depth.
I am putting this all out there to the world as a form of stripping myself of my avatar. I am NOT a good guy but I believe I can be a good man.
Would a good man OR guy:
• Sense something was up with guilt or regret from the previous relationship and not say anything to his partner?
• Punish his partner for noticing something was up, with silence?
• Punish his partner for saying something and sticking up for herself, by withdrawing all intimacy from her?
• Not communicate any feelings I was having and instead internalising them making them into something much much bigger than what they actually were?
• Seek ego validation from another female online when I felt I wasn’t getting it at home?
• Do it again? (what the actual fuck)
• Disregard every idea my partner had for trying to mend our relationship due to fear?
The list goes on and on… I promised everything and delivered nothing, and it’s sickening to think of what I made this beautiful person endure while I floundered and flopped about, scrambling for an answer to my problems. The solution was simple… just be yourself, be authentic. Easy enough, if you hadn’t spent your life being someone else and eventually just being no-one - and she spotted this… what a horrible, gut wrenching realisation to come to – that the person you were so deeply in love with, was a fake.. and he didn’t even know it. And the icing on the cake – she made the ultimate sacrifice and had a baby with me. And I STILL couldn’t pull my shit together.
In between all this we shared lots of glorious moments.. easily the best moments of my life so far... but the damage I had inflicted early on became a cancer that ate away, it didn’t have to, but I allowed it to.
So my purpose on this new platform is to blog from this point on in my life. My mask is broken, it doesn’t serve me any more and I am going to live a more authentic life. I am going to find myself and live freely, without the constraints of society. I am going to explore my narcissism, my shadow side and my sexuality. I am going to be honest with myself, I am going to learn to love myself. I am going to change the things I can change about myself and I am going to accept the things I cannot change. My intention is to post interesting articles and videos alongside my posts with the hope that people in a similar position to me can find helpful information within these pages.
Thankyou for reading, I hope you enjoy the journey and I hope to see you all on the other side.
I love you all.
Michael