Lessons from Mother Ayahuasca. Night 1: My miracle

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Ayahuasca. Is it a hallucinogen? Is it medicine? Is it both? Indigenous, Amazon populations have used this 'vine of the souls' since at least the 16th century to heal and gain wisdom. So as a Westerner, would I be able to experience the magic of this plant? It's something I've wanted to find out for a while.

As most of my friends will attest to, I'm not afraid to 'lean in' to my hippy ways. Veganism, yoga and environmental awareness have been a way of life for me for a really long time now. Furthermore, for the past several years I have witnessed the power of manifestation, and I recently experienced a heart healing using sound therapy. Taking ayahuasca, therefore, seemed like a natural progression in my spiritual journey.

To the sceptics, I would say that there are many things in this universe we still don't understand, including how our consciousness works. So labelling ayahuasca as just a hallucinogen or drug or quack medicine seems short-sighted and insulting to centuries of Indigenous cultures. I'm sure that 20, 50, 100 years ago, similarly closed minded people were convinced we then knew everything there was to know. And yet, our collective knowledge continues to expand. Isn't it therefore plausible that ayahuasca can tap into our consciousness allowing us to heal traumas of the past, and offer insights into the present and future, despite Western science's inability to explain it? I like to think so.

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My ayahuasca journey started in 2013 in Ecuador. I spent two weeks at a Hari Krishna eco-farm where I met a Norwegian guy who told me about plant medicine. I was intrigued but it was not yet my time to take it. Fast forward to August 2018 and that all changed. I was watching High Carb Hannah, a YouTuber I've followed for several years, and she introduced me to Rythmia in Costa Rica.

At Rythmia you participate in four ayahuasca ceremonies during your seven-night stay. Hannah's testimonial resonated so much with me that I called up and booked the following Monday. However, much to my disappointment I could not get into a shared room until Easter 2019. Waiting eight months was excruciating given how strong the calling was. It was also a far longer wait than anyone else I met last week experienced. But, as I learnt, the timing of the universe is perfect and patience was one of the lessons that Mama Ayahuasca had in store for me during my stay. It seems she started this lesson early.

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From the moment I arrived, I began to feel the magic of Rythmia. The staff emanate such positive energy it's hard not to rise up to their frequency. No doubt this is a result of participating in ayahuasca ceremonies themselves.

The resort has everything you would expect from a high-quality facility. From the rooms to the day spa, to the pool and restaurant area, Gerry and his team have put a lot of thought and effort into this place. If you're looking for a budget option or jungle experience, this is not it.

Not long after arriving, I had my mandatory medical check. I was experiencing some minor anxiety, which I discussed with the doctor who cleared me to participate in the plant medicine ceremonies. Just knowing there were medically trained doctors onsite who also understand ayahuasca gave me comfort, even though the risk of something happening is small.

Monday evening arrived and we headed to the Maloka for the first ceremony. Most people were ayahuasca first-timers and were experiencing mixed emotions about what was to come. Our shamans this evening were two women. I didn't catch their names but their accents suggested they were German, or at least European. The Maloka was set up like it was hosting a slumber party for 50-odd people. Surprisingly comfortable mattresses were laid out for all of us, made up with crisp white sheets and pillows, and fluffy blankets. What made this slumber party unique however, was the buckets—or purge pails as my friend Ellen dubbed them—and toilet paper at the end of each bed. Vomiting and ayahuasca go together like peas in a pod.

Image by @choogirl

The ceremony started with the shamans and assistants blowing rapé—a mix of tobacco and medicinal plants—up our noses. Rapé is frequently taken prior to ayahuasca as it helps the medicine go deeper. It is also used during the ceremonies but I only took it at the start. Taking rapé was not an overly pleasant experience in my opinion, nor was listening to the endless golly hocks which result from it.

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We then lined up for our first cup. I was expecting ayahuasca to taste awful but it was ok. It went down smoothly with a hint of licorice. That said, I do drink a lot of different leaf-based teas and green juices so maybe I'm more accustomed to earthy flavours than most.

We then waited in silence on our mattresses since you can only talk to the shamans and the assistants during ceremony. It seems that most people felt nothing while lying there, so we jumped at the opportunity to take a second cup when it was offered sometime later. It then wasn't long until the vomiting and probably the shitting (aka the purging) started around me. Combined with the crying (also considered purging) and people walking around, I was totally distracted. I would start to see geometric shapes but then things going on around me would pull me out of my head and back into the present. It got to the point that I had to leave the room.

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Hammocks surround the ceremonial area and mark the boundary of where we were allowed to go. I took my pillow and blanket and found the furthermost hammock from the toilets to avoid the listening to the purging noises. At this point, I felt totally sober and annoyed I couldn't leave for my bed. I pondered a third cup but my heart was beating quite fast. Before I arrived I had thought that ayahuasca would have no effect on me—like marijuana and sleeping pills don't affect me—or I'd die. There was no in-between.

Since I didn't come here to die I passed on the third cup and gave up on having an experience that evening. Instead I started people watching. One man seemed to be telling his story to one of the assistants and from his body language, it looked like he was having quite the trip. I admit, I was jealous. Then the zombies started coming out and wandering on the grass. It was just like the Walking Dead but much less violent. A few people came out and sat quietly to cry before heading back inside. Then, just as I was getting into my night of people watching, the tea lights on the steps started to move and I lay back and closed my eyes. Mama Aya had again given me another test in patience and was waiting for me to surrender to her.

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At Rythmia, they encourage you to set their three intentions and get your miracle before moving on to other intentions. The first is "show me who I've become". Deep down I think most of us know who we've become but we choose not to face those character traits that we are less than proud of. Mama Aya doesn't care about what you want though. She puts a mirror squarely in front of you and forces you to look. For me, this meant facing my dismal relationships with men. The insight and self truths I got from staring into that mirror were things I would have never seen on my own. I'm not surprised that one night on ayahuasca is like ten years of therapy.

The second intention is to "merge me back with my soul". The event that my money was on for the separation between my physical body and my soul was incorrect and that surprised me. Instead, Mama Aya took me back to my kindergarten days. Although I am a confident adult I was an extremely shy child. Mama Aya reminded me of this and I remembered I would turn inward when adults in particular, spoke to me. Although I didn't get one specific memory, I watched my child self become vulnerable and upset over and over. It was hard seeing this little girl paralysed by shyness and fear of people. After seeing this, I could reconnect with her, offering her love and protection.

Now I had the first two down, it was time to go for the trifecta. The third intention is "heal my heart". This time, Mama Aya took me right back to being a newborn. I then remembered my mother telling me that I had some heart problem soon after I was born and I would hold my breath and turn blue. She was terrified that I would die. I realised this was one of the reasons I was watched so much as a child. I then had an overwhelming urge to ask Mama Aya if I died for a few seconds when I was a baby. The answer she gave me was yes and all I saw was black, which I knew was my heart. In this regard, it had been broken all my life. I subsequently asked her if I could have a new heart and everything began turning pink. I felt an intense wave of relief and self-love come over me, unlike anything I've felt before.

I'm not sure the timeframe in which this all took place since phones are banned in ceremony and there are no clocks. I cried through the entire experience, but as this emotional purge passed, I became aware of how beautiful my immediate surroundings were. I lay there looking up at the moon filtered by delicate tree branches, which reminded me of cherry blossoms. Mama Aya then took the form of Mrs Moon, who played a pivotal role in Gerry's story and how Rythmia came into existence. She asked if she could charge my new heart with moonlight. As I watched the moonbeam shine down on me, I could feel all the pieces that were chipped away over the years being replaced making me whole again. Although I felt calm at this point, the vulnerability I had just experienced didn't leave until well into the next day. I even cried in yoga the following morning, which was a first.

Since the universe has perfect timing, the conclusion of my miracle coincided with the end of Monday night's ceremony. An assistant came out to ask me to come back inside so the shamans could close the ceremony.

In part two I will discuss the second ceremony and what became the best night of my life.

I have shared my whole story in Rythmia's Facebook Live video below. Note, it is long so night one is discussed between 5m45s and 31m20s. I will timestamp the relevant parts of the video discussing the other nights in my upcoming posts if you don't want to watch it all in one go.

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