Crying for Mother, Praying for Gratitude, Hopes and Dreams.

I need a gig. I need to get off this stink.
I been homeless before, so I already know.
I been broke my entire life, which basically pre-qualifies me to catch a break. #editorial
I am entitled to a break.
I believe I deserve good things.

Here's a bunch of stuff I wrote also a link to my Empire Kred profile
http://www.empireavenue.com/BANNERMAGIC?t=tp7bsi6p

March 14, 2018
Living in Portland, OR
I don't pay rent. I am homeless.
I don't have a job. I'm not looking for a job.
I would soon look for a job in the San Francisco Bay area.
I might have to hitch-hike down there, soon-ish.
My mother might help me get some money, if she and I don't connect on that in the next week or two with successful results I may just hitch-hike to San Francisco.

I want to become more hardcore vegetarian, but I can't seem to stay away from meats/cheeses. Ice cream is the only animal protein I seem to have an easy time avoiding. I think in the past six months I have had one milkshake, one rootbeer float and not much else in the way of ice cream. Apart from that all other meats/cheeses I can't seem to give those up.

I found a delicious spinach salad they sell at Trader Joe's and I am definitely trying to eat more vegetables, I also make an effort to keep up on sugars (candy, fruits) Trader Joe's also carries, seasonally, a large bottle of Triple Ginger (ginger ale, yum!)

After a month of living on the streets here, in Portland, I had a beer. It didn't cost me anything someone simply gave it to me when they left me a bag of food there were two beers and two hard ciders. (the Hard Cider which I discarded one after trying the other I decided I didn't like it so much) So, I have another beer I am saving for another special occasion, yet to be determined, but I pack it around everywhere I go just in case. I still prefer cannabis to booze. I am also turning down cannabis more these days, though I'm not sure why.

I fantasize about staying in a Hotel, swimming in their pool after having some medicinal/recreational cannabis, high in CBD. I just can't seem to remember the last time I went swimming.

I am praying more. I am trying to get in the practice of thinking of others. Where they are, what they're going through. Trying to be mindful of others and trying to be praying more for just about everything. There's not a lot I can do and I can't do any of it without God, I believe. I am worried about being less than grateful for the life I was given and I ask "so, what if I am not grateful?" and I ask of God "please help me to be grateful" and I am increasingly trying to pray more for my own welfare as well as the welfare of my fellow man.

The experience is great and, while I'm not long for this world I have to scratch my head and wonder this might be only the beginning. I could live another 78 years I could live another 8 months. I'm not greedy, I prefer to leave today, but from what I understand and from what I have been told my entire life is it's really not up to me when I die.

Suicide is just a one-way ticket to Hell. Forget that noise!

Lately I am beginning to think I can only care for these things while I am alive so what can I say? Once I'm dead I will be leaving these things behind so I really can't care for these things once I'm gone. So, in my prayers I am asking God to help me to be grateful for just about everything from the food in my belly to the hopes and dreams I have. I'm also asking Him to light my path so that I can find my way because in truth I should be looking for a job. I should be working to provide for my family. I just don't have much love for Oregon or Oregonians in general right now.

I mean, they're great. Good vibes, good people. Don't get me wrong I would love it if I could stay in Oregon, but I am also worried about people and things in California. It's actually all up in the air, to be completely honest. I may go to Texas. I may go to Hawaii. I really want to go to Hawaii, but I have never been to Texas ~ or ~ Hawaii. At any rate, I digress.

I fantasize about getting some things straightened out, sorting things so that I can get caught up on credit card debt as well as Child Support. I just don't feel like Oregon is the place for me right now. God willing I'll be able to find my way and maybe Oregon is exactly where I need to be, but I just don't see it. Then, I know for a fact I don't have all of the answers. So, by that logic I could be in for a real surprise to find Oregon is exactly where it's at for me.

That's what I think.

If I had connections and perhaps I do, in fact, I would drive a cab, or I would drive for Uber. I like the idea of driving for Uber. If I could drive for Uber I would work 10 hours or more six days/week until I got the cash I don't have much in the way of doing anything other than trying to take care of myself. And, because I am selfish and prideful, I am taking better care of my things than I am of myself. It's a lonely life. None of my ideas are popular. I know it.

In order to drive a cab or for Uber no matter what I will need a car, auto insurance, a smartphone and data plan. My drivers' license in Oregon is suspended because I fell behind on child support. The truth is I am over Forty Grand behind on child support. So, I am trying to keep my head up. If I can make it to CA or any other state then I can easily look for work AND get my drivers' license, and maybe the same can be said for OR, but after all I've been through I feel like I should know my rights on a more intimate level so that I might actually pursue my own happiness.

People tell me you gotta do what makes you happy. You gotta do what you want to do. Well, I want to go somewhere else. I don't have the means, so I am panhandling because it's a mere $80 to $100 or more for bus fare just to get from Portland to San Francisco (depending on when I want to leave) and I like the idea of sucking it up and getting a job, but I really want to do that when I get to where I am going be it Hawaii, Texas, California or otherwise.

Who is going to hire me in Oregon if I plan to leave as soon as I got the money? Nobody wants to hire someone who is just going to quit. So, I am panhandling. Whether I get the money or not I doubt I'll be getting the exact amount I need for a greyhound ticket or plane ticket because I suck at panhandling ... or something. It could take a week it could take a few days it could take a month. At present I need cash for a whole variety of reasons such as I really do believe I'm overdue for a hotel room. I don't feel as though I'm entitled to a free hotel room, though if I catch a break and get one I do believe it would be more worthwhile if I could stay for a whole three nights maybe four.

I need a small bit of cash to get some clothes and to clean the ones I am wearing. I recently lost all of my clothes as well as my sleeping bag because I was careless to think that I knew better. I can't blame my mom, but she did say she would meet me and help me when the time came she backed down because of her own reasons, whatever they may be.

The money she CAN and probably WILL help me get will be enough to get me on down the road and maybe even better than that help me to make it into a prosperous new set of choices that would help me to do just exactly as I wrote above, to pay my Child Support in OR, to get caught up on Credit Card Debt. Start building my credit. Get a divorce. Build an income of $1,000/week or more. The money I'm describing is actually money my Late Grandmother wanted me to have. It's money I will likely be robbed of or worse I will spend it incorrectly and anyway, of course I am worried it will go to waste, I think, because my Grandma would have wanted me to live to enjoy it.

I already have my own computer and such enough to begin generating an income trading free traffic to quality sites (referring people to websites) which is something I hope to do as much as I can so that I can have the cash I need to start and build a flourishing business no matter where I go, Oregon be damned! I even have enough laundry detergent to clean my clothes at least 10 or 20x. God, help us! Praise God Almighty in Jesus' Name. I do need to go back to church a time or two now and again for Sacrament Meeting, to partake of the Sacrament for fear I might forget who died for my sins. God is my rock, yet I continue on the way I am going I might never know what I truly desire, but I do feel like I need to leave Oregon. Especially Portland. I hate Portland. I had no idea what I was walking into when I got here, but apparently this is one of the worst places to live whether you're homeless or not. It is best described as a shithole, I believe. Maybe I am wrong, but I have been here a month and a half and I think there are some nice people here, albeit only so helpful. At any rate, if I get that bus fare or plane ticket TODAY I am still curious to stick around to see if I can't get that money, my Mom's love, my Grandma's blessing.

Put this non-starter business in my rear view, so to speak. Such as it is. I feel like I can do anything and go anywhere while I am still in my youth, though my twenties are gone, I know damn well I could suck it up and make things work where-ever I go. I'm just not feeling it. Not today. I much prefer to see some of the people I met while I was in California. ABOVE ALL I do believe Hawaii is a destination I have my heart set on. I will go to Hawaii. I might live and die in Hawaii, but until I get to Hawaii I am going to wonder what it's like to be there on just about ANY of the islands there. I want to be travel ready. I need the cash flow to allow for travels across the country even the world. That's what I do believe, but before I can travel the world I won't be willing to go any place, not really, not until I have sat my bottom on a beach in Hawaii. I want my bones to soak in the warm temperature and the sunshine of a Hawaiian climate. I want the heat of a Hawaiian beach to sink into my bones until my bones, themselves, forget OREGON is even a place. My bones ache to forget the cold and wet of Oregon. My bones have an appetite for the warmth of Hawaii.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Who knows? Maybe my trip to Hawaii is the worst idea possible, I guess it's just something I'll have to figure out for myself with or without your help. It might take a week or two before my bones get their fill and like I said I might end up living and dying in Hawaii, but if I am going to be travel ready then Hawaii is definitely my first stop. End of discussion. It's not even up for discussion. And now, I am getting a refill on my coffee at Starbucks for possibly the last time as I prepare to write down some of the other things I feel strongly are not up for discussion.

I am interested in lifting others up not putting them down, but if I am putting anyone down it's because I find their performance is best described as disappointing and worthy of improvement. I think so.

I mean, I am not greedy, but I do hope one day to be making at least $1,000/week so that I can afford to make time for others as well as and I do believe with enough cash I can more easily take time to tend to my own personal issues such as health concerns or even relationship issues e.g. I am a dad. I am not at present a boyfriend, yet I am at present legally married. I am estranged from my family both immediate and distant relatives are simply not kin, to me, not by any stretch.

I try to keep in touch and be engaged or involved, but until I am living independently I don't see myself attending any weddings or birthday parties. I like the idea of getting some cards (christmas, birthday, get well soon, etc.) and all that would require is postage as well as an address book, but that would be a brilliant first step into the world of building relationships with the people who really need me. And maybe I need them more than they need me, but right about now I need pretty much to get it on down the road. It's not a popular idea, but I do think I will be hitch-hiking to California in a couple weeks. I just need to be extra careful not to get robbed again. I could lose my identity. God help me. Bad thoughts. Think Happy Thoughts.

I am still on a volunteer strike, though I tend to forget from time to time just what it is I am on strike for. I also tend to forget I am on a volunteer strike. Basically, what it means is that until I am living independently there are a number of things I simply can't see myself doing such as drinking. I know, I had a beer a little more than a couple of weeks ago. That isn't drinking. Drinking is starting on a third beer and losing count how many beers, drinking (usually) late into the night.

I only had that beer because it happened to be mine. Someone gave it to me, I held onto it wondering if I would ever consume it. I decided to have it as a way to celebrate surviving one month on the streets of Portland.

I'm also not writing any new music. Which is great, because I never really got into that to begin with, which isn't to say I've never written a song. Not exactly. I think most any song I ever wrote was never actually finished. Anyway, I'm not writing anything new.

I'm willing to smoke weed (or vape) and play Guitar Hero. There are few video games I would be down for at the moment e.g. I'm really addicted to Elvenar. There are some games on my smartphone, but they are really not games exactly I would consider playing had I my own house/apartment and money burning a hole in my pocket I would be more inclined to play console and/or PC games. I haven't played Guitar Hero in oh, about a year maybe a little less than a year. I wanted to play Final Fantasy XI and other mainstream titles have escaped me while I am sitting around not doing anything.

I listen to a lot of Pandora. I believe Pandora Plus (premium version) is where it's at for me. It's like $3.99/mo I think? Pandora Radio is free if you don't mind hearing advertisements while you're trying to discover new music or trying to hear a song you really like. Streaming music is overrated #editorial yet Pandora has my number.

I don't think I have enough time to write down all of the things I'm unwilling to do during my Volunteer Strike. Right now, I suppose, you can expect LOOKING FOR A JOB, while I am still in Oregon, disinterests me. Women, too. They are checking me out. I am checking them out. I'm not talking to them so much. I think if I can avoid women then I can have an easier time, but it's getting more and more difficult not to think where I would be if I had a companion. Someone who would stick up for me in these difficult situations I find myself in. Someone of mutual interests who can be supportive of my decisions whom I can trust, someone who I can be supportive of who trusts me.

I told one the other day to look me up on Facebook, I don't think she will. Next time I just need to get her Phone number. Or someone's phone number. I honestly don't think I'll be seeing her again, but I remember her name and I think that's where it ends. I doubt we'll meet again. Which reminds me I need to scratch for my needs sooner or later, my phone time expires in about 4 or 5 months. Ouch, deadlines.

Another thing I'm not doing so much these days is making promises. I don't think making promises is something I can't do. I don't think it's part of my Volunteer Strike to make zero promises. I do believe I have some idea where my money is going. I just need to create an online presence or perhaps an online portal where people can read about what I'm doing with the spare change they keep giving me. I would really like that, to transition from panhandling to accepting donations for a worthy cause such as starting my own business helping people with a service or good, or something.

I like the idea of referring people to websites because it would be as easy as giving away free stuff or pasting flyers, etc. I like pointing people to websites where they can get access to free resources/information. A lot of homeless people give away a free newspaper. I would do that, except I think there's already everything I need to generate all kinds of cash at my finger tips here on my computer. Nothing worth having comes easy and no good deed goes unpunished.

I have so much knowledge and experience. I am pretty smart. I just hope it doesn't go to waste. I worry about what my children are doing and I worry what they will do or what they will think when they discover what became of me. That's why I try to stay busy. That's why I am trying to get a grip, that's why I am praying more and more because until I can get a clear view of where I stand I believe I am on my way out. I don't want to wait until I'm on my deathbed to pray for these things. That just doesn't sound like me at all. I have to be able to say I put the time in. People should have just listened to me to begin with. Nothing happens overnight, every day is different. In fact, if I could write everything down today I would start with A LOT OF THIS STUFF I just didn't have figured out until recently.

In fact, chances are if you got my memo 3 days ago you'll be in for a real surprise, a treat in fact, when you get the memo I sent out today. There's never a dull moment. Things are moving fast. I can't possibly sound like a broken record at this rate. Yet, I am writing all of this down today because I feel like I really ought to spell this out for people because, judging by their behavior and the vibes I get the impression my time and theirs is being wasted.

I feel like if I don't write all of this down then today will have been a waste and I might as well step into oncoming traffic, end it all. I feel like if Write all of this down then people will be less likely to turn me down when I ask them for bus fare. PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ME so it's next to impossible for them to trust me with anything over $2 ~ of course, if I can't get $80 to $100 or more then I won't be getting that bus ticket. If people never learn to trust me then I'll be stuck in this town forever. For instance today I spent $5 more than half my money on breakfast. Panhandling I think I got $2 or $3. I added $5 to my Starbucks card. I'm back down to $2.

Lucky for me I get free refills using my Starbucks card. Today, also lucky, I had a 3 minute wait on my Coffee so the Barista didn't charge me for it so not only did I get a free coffee I got a free seat at Starbucks. A bottomless cup of free coffee, electricity to charge my phone. I'm actually thinking of washing my hair in the bathroom. I already washed my hair twice since I got to Portland, both times it was across the way from here at Fred Meyer in their bathroom. YESTERDAY I was at this same Starbucks, but all I can really say other than that (about yesterday) is that I shaved my beard/mustache in the bathroom. You know? Because when my face is fuzzy I get itchy. The hair on my head is also a little longer than I care for it to be, it's time for a haircut.

All I really desire right now is a haircut, a hotel room, a swimming pool, swimwear, bus fare and the chance to connect with my mom so that I can get that money my grandmother wanted me to have, God rest her soul.

I don't know anyone who can help me with these things. I don't know anyone with that kind of money. Even if I did you just know they would throw some Quid Pro Quo clause at me. Which is ultimately THE reason to write all of this down, because if you can't trust me with the cash I need to get a short break from being outside, scraping by without a job, then what the Hell did I do to destroy that trust? How can I earn that trust? How many times do I need to lift a finger for Goodness Sake? I'm trying to make do with what I got every day, maybe that's not enough. So, I try to relax and pretend everything is OK because I find spitting at people, throwing things and throwing a textbook tantrum isn't helpful to anyone. I play Elvenar. I grab a coffee at Starbucks. I play games on my phone.

I try to refer people to websites. I am surfing the traffic exchanges. I am trying to keep an open mind and I am trying to take better care of myself as best I can so that I can have the energy to blog. I started a blog on Steemit. Without a valid street address I can't verify my PayPal account. Without cash I can't even pay PayPal the money I owe them. I actually created a new PayPal because if the cash I earn is sent via PayPal (and my PayPal is suspended) how the Heck ???

So, I believe, if I can get by to another town in another state I will be finding a couch to surf on, opening a checking account, verifying my PayPal and referring people to websites. In fact, I would be bussing tables, referring people to websites and God willing driving for Uber.

I just want to be my own boss. I just want to be able to make a modest $1,000/week I want to be able to tell my boss at the restaurant "Sorry, not bussing tables tonight, see you tomorrow or on Monday, blah blah" without catching some attitude when I show up for work again. Don't you know? But, somehow I have to earn your trust which means until you and I can learn to get along I won't be doing any of these things. I won't be bussing tables. I'll be puttering around in a town I don't even want to be in. I won't be driving for anyone let alone Uber. If I get paid for referring people to websites there's a small chance that will be all I need. There's 100% chance that won't help me soon enough. I need something Now. I need something this weekend. I'm not against taking a shower, but I'll admit I haven't taken one in a couple months.

If I had money right now I would probably get clippers. I'd even try to shave my head here in the Starbucks bathroom. I would do that. Other Starbucks patrons will just have to hold it an extra 5 or 10 minutes while I do that. Well, so how do I earn your trust?

I refer people to websites. By "people" I am usually referring to "website owners" or "webmasters" people who have or own their own website who are trying to get subscribers or make new sales. I tell people where they can go to get unlimited FREE traffic. In fact, when I am sitting on the side of the road panhandling (if you can call it that) there's a really good chance there's someone of limited attention span surfing right past one of my ads because there's an extremely high likelihood they already signed up or whatever the reason. I am trying to increase my reach.

I like the idea of putting my name and face on things which is something I do on the daily hundreds and thousands of times. I like to be able to say "this is where you belong, sign up for free" and I like the idea of people all across the world who've never even heard of me seeing it. I like to imagine someone, anyone, surfing the Internet trying to scratch for their needs and they see me promoting something. "Who is this Kenneth Waggerby?" and "Ken recommends this Program" also "I don't know Ken, but I see him promoting this every day and I see my friends already joined, let's join today see because I think Ken seems like a nice guy and if I'm going to buy something he will get a commission."

"I see Ken is actively trying to refer me to this program. I see Ken is trying to generate an income just like anyone. I understand this program has been online for years and I Have been thinking of joining it, I mean at first I didn't think it was for me, but Ken seems to think this is the right fit for me so I'm going to give it a try because Ken seems to like it." blah blah blah

Goodness me, there's so much more to it than you will ever know than I can possibly say. I'm learning more about it each and every day. I'm learning more and more about my situation, my desires and whatnot EACH AND EVERY day. Yet, why am I writing all of this is because people seem to think I need to earn their trust. BE THAT AS IT MAY I often feel if people knew what I'd already done for them let alone what I'm prepared to do for them then I wouldn't have to write anything other than "Please Help Spare Change" which are four words I have written on a strip of cardboard it's a survival Tool, at best.

What I want to say is I've been looking at it for years. I've gotten tons of traffic over the years, but to do it on such a scale where I am getting paid enough to get caught up on Child Support and Credit Card Debt... Yeah, not going to do it in Oregon. Maybe I could and maybe I will, maybe that is my fate, Maybe this computer and puttering around Starbucks to the Library is my fate, but I really do wonder because at this rate it could take years, possibly a decade, it may never happen at all. Which is why I gotta look for a job. I'm supposed to be looking for a job, but in pursuit of my own happiness and trying to get a grip, to understand and know what my own personal desires are I do believe doing these things in California is more interesting. Hawaii, even.

Yet, I have spoken with an old friend who lives in California and it seems it might be wise to visit him I think so and I think it would be good to see him again and maybe connect with some other people I met on my last trip to CA. I am curious to see what they're up to these days and I am worried perhaps they need me more than they I need them, or vice versa. I think about these things. I pray on these things. Praise God Almighty in Jesus' name, amen.

Oh, if I could just bake Zucchini Bread, grow Angel Wing Begonias, Bus Tables, Refer People to Websites, Smoke Weed, Play Video Games, Go Swimming, Have Sex, Feed my Kids, Travel the World, Listen to Tunes, Play Guitar, Read Books, Watch TV/Movies, go out once in a while (movies or clubs? haven't given it that much thought), Entertain Guests, Drive for Uber, check into a hotel, get a haircut, sleep in my own bed, connect with friends, treat others once in a while, I don't care about booze so much, but that too

But, in this neighborhood people look at me with disdain like I'm an eye sore. Wondering why I don't get a job. They don't want to trust me with the money I need because they don't know me. I wouldn't trust me, either. I mean come on, give me $100 I'll probably just get some Heroin, right? Because maybe I'm a junkie. Maybe I'm making all of this up just so you'll feel sorry for me because I need a fix. Right? I need my meth. I need my heroin. That's why you see me sitting at Starbucks almost every day trying to play Elvenar and refer people to websites. Right? Because I'm homeless. Don't get me wrong, some people in this town definitely very nice and helpful, but I'm only going to stick around long enough for my mom MAYBE she will save the day, I'm sure she wishes she could be there for me once again as she was always there for me (I have her to thank) when I was smaller. I'd like that. Anyway, like I said I will probably hitch-hike out of here if I can't get cash donated from strangers, panhandling. #bumlife

I wish I could write more on this, but this Starbucks is getting ready to close and I gotta get back out there so that I can get some money to ... well, I need another pair of pants among other clothing items. I need I need I need, I want I want I want.

Two things I am praying for now more than ever are both #discipline and #goals