SEATTLE — With the celebration rapidly burning through the diminishing supply of cash that has kept the local business solvent, sources confirmed Wednesday the holiday party of Simmons Analytics has moved up the company’s bankruptcy timeline by more than four months. “You’ve worked hard all year, so we decided to really pull out the stops this time for our holiday party!” said CEO Josh Kilgore, welcoming employees of the company that has netted losses for 16 consecutive quarters to the party, which was held in a ballroom at the Hilton Seattle, featured a live band, included a lavish spread of haute cuisine, and consumed nearly a quarter of annual operating costs. “Be sure to take advantage of the open bar. Everything’s on us tonight, so [before you’re all unemployed, uninsured, and unable to pay your bills] let’s have some fun. Cheers, everybody!” At press time, Kilgore had informed attendees they were welcome to take home any remaining trays of food, which will reportedly be the closest the workers ever get to claiming their severance packages.
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 Article Link |  TheOnion.com |  @TheOnion |
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