You might not like me after watching this....
Some might gawk, unfollow or even flag every post I make from now on because you don't want me in this community anymore but it's a risk I'm willing to take. I took a huge leap of faith and shared with you an "episode" of mine a few months back so I'm here to ask you... can you handle another? I feel somewhat confident I can share this with the steemit community and show how sometimes I can be a little too intimidating and complicated to deal with, in regards to my "struggles"
This Is Very Awkward & Uncomfortable... as it should be
What you are about to see is pretty disturbing and very embarrassing for me. It was around 2am and I drove to the mother of my child's house to cause this retarded disturbance. I was completely at wrong in this video. Not only for filming it just to try and justify my point but also for blowing up and reacting the way I did.
Justification
Everyone has disagreements and we each try to justify the choices we make and feel better about ourselves, not who we disagree with. When I feel disrespected I flare up quick and I stay heated till I either fall asleep or down whiskey. As much as I want to deny it, I have to admit my attitude and quick fuse is due to my disorder.. I remember when I wasn't like this... I remember when someone would disagree with me and it was water under the bridge, we'd move on and say "Fuck It, Whatever Dude" but for the past 3 to 4 years that passive attitude is beyond me and I can't seem to be that same person.I want to apologize to my son's mother who willingly manages to put up with me from time to time... She doesn't deserve to be treated like this and I have no excuses to be acting the way I do. The problem is that I have to be right and if I smell fear... I attack even harder. As much as I call her "pathetic" in this video, I fail to realize how pathetic I sound talking down on her, even worst is she's half asleep.
What Grinds My Gears
When I blow up, the bashing and "put downs" easily roll off my tongue as my rage snowballs out of control and in that moment I'm unable to logically think about the situation I'm creating. My anger is so heavy, I'm unable to comprehend the idea of being wrong and without that ability... my words grow harsh.
Recently a situation like this happened again but this time I finally managed to distance myself and for once, realized that even if she'd admit that she was at fault for a disagreement, what would happen after that? absolutely nothing... I would still in fact be boiling even hotter. At some point the argument we had, already ended but I was still pushing further with my anger. I believe when I'm in this type of "episode" I'm not really conscious... it's similar to when I have a PTSD episode... I get aggressive, defensive and throw morals or formalities out the window. I become this person who feels as if this is a flight or fight moment and all I'm doing is fighting.
In Hindsight...
You never once see me in this video and I know my son's mother isn't happy with its existence either... but I feel that even tho at the time.. I thought filming this was to show her how pathetic She looked, it was actually my subconscious fully aware of my mental instability, filming this to SHOW ME HOW PATHETIC I LOOKED. Situations like this are avoidable and the most recent argument proves so. If I just step away for a second and think about what I'm really arguing about, I might realize there's no actual point to be made... I'm just, heated and need a breather. The big question I keep asking myself is.. am I a sociopath because I really have no limit on, how horrible I try to make someone feel. Maybe just being able to consider this, might eliminate that possibility and I do hope it does.
In fact, I kind of now wish this video didn't exist, that I never filmed it and didn't have any proof of this character flaw but I did film it... and I bite my nails and vape a little harder just watching it over. It's because of this understanding, I'm sharing it with everyone in the community who follows the "NobodysPerfect" episodes. I know this doesn't look good on me at all but I am willing to share if it means someone who might consider themselves a monster, realizes that even someone funny, happy and cheerful like me... is actually someone like them. I hope this video reminds you that you are not alone, not a monster and very well capable of working past these unfortunate episodes. After all... NOBODYS PERFECT
My apologies if this video offends you but I must remind you this series isn't very pleasing... this is about my journey which includes very dark times in my life.
Till Next Time... Adios Amigos
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We are all projects and flawed. The answer is no, you are not a sociopath, the fact that you know what you did was not appropriate and you felt bad about it says you are not. Tomorrow is another day, do a better job than today and move forward. We are all growing over time, or at least we should be. God bless you.
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Thank you, seriously... Hopefully I receive comments like this and no hateful ones.
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The words you spoke were not your words: they are words locked away in your memory, spoken to you as a child, when you could make no sense of them or the emotions that you felt at the time they were spoken to you.
Your deep subconscious is still trying to make sense of them, so you role play without knowing why and without knowing that Jessica's role is you as a child.
Accept that whoever spoke to you this way did so in ignorance, the way you did with Jessica-it wasn't because you were a bad child or unlovable-you were just a child and all children are somewhat annoying at times. They are amazing and annoying in equal measure.
A a child you internalised the confusion and hurt caused by someone trying to force you to be a "perfect child"-something which doesn't exist! Your need to be right is because someone taught you as a child that being wrong is bad-it isn't!!!! It's normal for a child to be told something 200 times before they learn it. My 16 year old still can't turn lights off! You can of course short-cut the 200 times by bullying and manipulating children but it has a horrible effect on them-it fucks up them up emotionally, especially since they have no voice!
All children should be taught persuasive argument by their parents-obviously not when they are tiny but from the age of about 12. Otherwise, how can they interact with others, (bosses, partners), to get their way without shouting as adults? The good news is that you can overcome this without taking it out on Jessica-who's a doll!!!
If you don't already-keep a diary every day, it will help bring your emotions to the surface faster and you can work through them as they arise instead of storing them all up and having a depressed episode.
If you have a role during your acting where the character is negative, it is especially important for you to release all the pent-up energy that you will have from thinking like a negative character for hours on end.
You will, of course, behave this way again but you will now recognise that you are caught in a role-play and you will stop mid-way, and cry and hug whoever is playing child you. You will become better and better at recognising until one day you will stop as soon as you start and laugh. At that point you will love yourself and embrace your imperfections.
Here is a poem by the British poet, Philip Larkin,
They fuck you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up, in their turn
By fools in old style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
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Yes, I agree.. everything I've posted under the hashtag, #nobodysperfect is my way of identifying the flaws and habits I've developed over the years... one of them even includes some background of my childhood, which I plan to dive even deeper in detail, when I'm ready to share.
As far as all that negative energy built up.. I've learned to laugh at it and make fun of myself by turning all my bad experiences into humorous situations or characters.
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She looks resigned and afraid. Which sounds like you viewed as shameful timidity at that time
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great breakdown of the video... It was over a situation earlier that night and I went way out of my way to wake her up and bitch. You bring up a good point... maybe I was only there to try and make her feel the way you suggested, shameful.
It's possible that I confused the look and response I got and tried to take advantage of it to further my argument. Maybe there is an actual point or agenda I was trying to accomplish, make her wallow in shame. I only say that because I came to a conclusion that my reasoning wasn't making any sense and I was arguing just to argue when the argument was already over.
It's completely wrong and douchey no matter how you look at it really... but your observation has pointed out a possible reason for my level of rage and antics, at least.
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Yeah, what's she gonna do argue and yell with someone three times her size. well that you admit this fault is something special.
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This is a nice post about empathy in relationships. It ain't easy to maintain one
https://steemit.com/life/@olja/how-to-behave-with-your-partner
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