Shouldn't Be Just About Me

A battle within
Planning the changes
And giving in
Again and again

Willpower denied
Repeating the cycle
Feeling a depression
On such a beautiful day

Complex yet simple
The mental babble
Tearing me to shreds
Destroying my purpose

Planning to take a walk
But never leaving my seat
Planning to come and talk
My plans I do delete
That's why I've always hated plans

I just want
To live somewhere so far away
Parked in a camper
on acres of forest

To 3d print my home
Brick by brick
Would be the only feat
That would make me the master builder
That the universe signals I am

I want a drastic change
In lifestyle and location
I don't want money to be a factor
But this is only a reverie
In this world it is always
Money that buys freedom
And what a shame
We live our lives enslaved
Arguing over pennies
As they steal our dollars

I just want to be free
Whatever that means
And it sears my soul every day
That I've chosen this slavery

I'm not a submissive
But I play the role well
A world that's permissive
Would be the cure for this hell

And now man-made epidemics
Are spreading
I question the direction
In which we are heading

To shut down society
I am conflicted
Can't say that this
Wasn't predicted

For years there were warnings
That the power grab would be implemented
During the spread of a pandemic

Part of me says it's only getting worse
But it's the best of times
And the worst of times

I was already practicing social distancing
before this bullshit started spreading
Because it's hard to hear others versions of me
When I have enough to work on, to improve on
Here on my own

But I've been mostly descending
I'm not depraved or deprived
I've chosen my path
But I always hate
When others judge me
In the same exact way I judge myself

It's not about numbing anymore
It's about a dwindling
Toxic relationship
With the bottle
With self-sabotage

So I guess I wasn't put here
To carry my genes on
As they told me
Was my only biological purpose
In science class in college

I feel I was put here
Instead to be the genesis of a message
That is carried on through all of eternity
A message that has been bastardized
Bludgeoned and left for dead

So why don't we just
Give up our freedoms
For a virus that's nasty
A virus that kills less than the flu
Less than tuberculosis

But nonetheless
This pandemic was engineered
By whom? Where?
Everyone has their theory.
I say it's not exactly determinable

Living in this society
Locked down by this crisis
Has had more impact
Than crude attacks by "ISIS"

Some of this was planned
Some of it was not
Some say there's a little truth to everything
Some say in pseudoscience I'm awash

Mechanisms of control
Searing my soul

There is a woman
I really worship
But I have a hard time
Bearing her ego
Still I love her
But the degree of love is the question
Which makes the waters murky
And pollutes my discretion

I was quarantined before it was cool
I wasted too much time at school
Getting fucked up like I was in high school
As I graced the university
With my massive presence

Part of me drowns in shame
And part of me shows absolutely none
So conflicted
Because my genes
Trace back to European countries
That once were at war with each other
A brutal and bloody conflict
That changes the dynamic of the genetic code

I hate to fight
But there's chaos in my genes
There is a side of me
That is surely psychopathic
It's not even just
The music I listen to
It is part of my persona
And it is part of the id

I can act
But I prefer to be peaceful
My dreams do not always
Tell me the same
My actions do not often
Conform to their game
Yet every day
They force me to play