I'm chock full of nuts!

Several weeks ago, I went to Costco and bought some ungodly amount of mixed nuts because I had a coupon. Now and then, I grab a few nuts from the jar. Never too many! Oh, no, just a few mind you. This week I realized I've put weight back on. My pants are tight. My back hurts. What gives, I thought? I exercise regularly. I eat heal . . . Oh crap.

IT'S THE NUUUUUUUUTSSSS!!!!!

I went back and looked at the gargantuan jar. The nuts are almost gone now. How did this get past me? HOW MANY NUTS HAVE I CONSUMED? Sure, lots of fiber, protein, and antioxidants. But those little bastards are calorie dense, man. They fool you. "Oh, look how tiny I am. You can have just a few of me. Tee hee hee hee. I'm so delicious!" After you've eaten them they take effect on your brain, clouding your short term memory. So next time you walk past them, you're like, "Oh, I don't think I've had that many nuts today. I can have just a few more." I hate nuts now. Nuts to nuts! I'm sorry if that just turned someone on, but I'm pissed. Those nuts lied to me. And I fell for it. I fell hook, line, and sinker for their nutty siren song.

Many of you are going to be tempted to make tasteless nut jokes now. I know that temptation, believe me. But I implore you to take the high road and to be better than that. This is serious. I'm trying to kick a nut addiction here. And if you've ever had to kick the nuts, then you know how painful it can be.