The useless time traveller - Part One

Have you ever sat and thought about what great inventions you could bring to the world stage and possibly change the path of humanity for the better? If you are anything like me, rather unskilled in any type of engineering or mechanical knowhow then your train of thought will probably hit a brick wall.

I’ve often thought how fantastic it would be to travel back through time and bring modern day inventions to the people of ages gone by and of course take the credit. So as a thought experiment I mused with the idea of what an unskilled D.I.Y failure like myself could possibly bring to the court of King Henry VIII in medieval England.

After thinking this through a little deeper it became clear that almost every invention I could think of has its dependencies in modern day concepts such as electricity or mechanical engineering.

The iPhone?
If I travelled back in time with my iPhone the battery would most likely be dead within a day, rendering the device to be nothing more than a polished looking glass. It may entice a little curiosity if I pulled apart the shiny bits and left them on display to the local peasants. I couldn’t even begin to explain the concepts of the handset never mind convey the abstract method of telecommunications to an underdeveloped people.

The Bicycle?
Ok, so I’ll set my sights a little lower and maybe opt for the simple bicycle. I have a basic understanding of how a bicycle works but I’ve have no idea how to build one. The best I could hope for would be an oral interpretation of bicycle concepts to a skilled ironworker of the time. The reality would probably be a personal attempt to build a prototype out of wood, using old cart wheels, planks and nails.

I’m now starting to think I’d have nothing to offer a medieval King if I went back in time, or would I?

The brief story of the useless time traveller – part one.

It’s 15th Century England, a ‘stranger’ (the time travelling you) has been found wandering near the residence of King Henry VIII. The stranger is dressed in bizarre clothing of finery unseen around these lands. He was searched by the Kings guard and found in his possession were silver coins, some green parchment depicting the faces of some distinguished looking gentlemen and a flat smooth piece of black glass.

Word soon spreads to King Henry and before long the stranger is brought to the court and thrust before the ruler of the land. With a hideous old English accent the King’s advisor speaks. ‘My Lord, this is the stranger we found wandering near to the castle gates, he speaks in a tongue not quite like ours but we can still understand his strange words.’

‘Stranger, where art thou from?’ demanded the king with booming authority. ‘Speak! Art thou a French spy?’

Shaken and somewhat overwhelmed the stranger finally speaks. ‘Erm… Sir, I’m from a land very far away. My people are the makers of great things, things that will give you powers of infinite greatness.’ These words resonate with the King and his cronies; they look at each other for some time in quiet consideration, are they witnessing a possible genius or a man beheld of insanity?

The stranger breaks the silence. ‘Please sir, let me show what I have in my pocket, it’s called an iPhone. Actually, it’s only the iPhone 6s but it’s…’ he stops himself from talking when he realises the futility of describing modern technology to these people, not to mention his near apology for not having the latest model.

The king approaches the stranger. ‘You may show us this strange flat box, if we find witchcraft afoot you will be sent to the stallion stable immediately for buggery punishment.’ The stranger grimaces and shudders at the idea of such treatment, he thought at worst mad villagers riddled with syphilis or the plague would pelt him with tomatoes in the town square but this King was gangster!

The stranger presses the round button on the phone. The screen glows like a bright cathedral window in the gloom of the dark and smoky chamber, gasps and an air of mild panic fill the room. The guards ready their swords, the ladies of the court rapidly fan their powdered faces and the hounds sleeping by the fire quickly raise their heads and begin to growl. No sooner had the phone displayed its wonderment to the bemused group, its finite power dwindled and the screen faded to a very dark black.

‘Do this again’ demanded the king.

‘Mother Fucker’ quietly stuttered the stranger, ‘the battery has died Sir, I can’t.’

The King was confused by the words of the stranger, ‘Mother what? Oh, this is Oxen shit! Guards, take this man-witch to the stables! Remove his witchy nipples, bathe him in vinegar and introduce him to the Royal Stallion!’

The stranger is quickly grappled and mercilessly manhandled by two burly men in the direction of a dark corridor.

He shouted back a desperate plea to the King, ‘Sir, Sir, please, I have the greatest invention of all time, give me one day and I’ll prove this!’

The king paused a moment for thought before bellowing down the corridor, ‘Guard, bring back the warlock’…. to be continued…

How does the stranger avoid his medieval punishment?
What does the stranger invent for the king?
Does he live or die?

Part two up next…