Day 831 (Daily Post)

Day 831. My gears are turning pretty slowly this morning but they are turning 'exceedingly fine' as I ponder the predicament of having to find a new place to live and do all the stuff that I need to do here to pack everything down. Both of those things have consumed pretty much all of my thinking of late and a good bit of my time as I pursue leads on places to go and dismantle my life here.

Something that I am grateful for is that I am not 'reacting' to the situation that I find myself in and am glad that I have been able to throttle back any sort of 'reactionary' impulses on my part to feel overwhelmingly stressed or be driven manic or depressed by my anxieties. Dealing with it all in a clear headed fashion is making a rather difficult process if not necessarily 'easy' at least not more difficult than it need be.

My ability to compartmentalize my thoughts and emotions are serving me well at this point of things and as things surface in my mind that I find sort of 'disruptive' to moving forward I more or less label them with a 'must inspect later' tag and toss them into my mental compost pile where they might decay altogether, perhaps grow into something else, remain intact yet inert for the time being or some combination of all those things but regardless they can't and won't disrupt my current process of staying in motion and moving forward.

I guess that it all amounts to not being outraged (which seems to be the trend of humanity of late) and being what I termed (at some point in my early days here) as being 'on-raged' instead. For those who do not recall my definition of on-rage here it is: (noun) an extremely strong reaction of calmness, lack of shock, or peaceableness. (verb) arouse fierce calmness, a lack of shock, or peaceableness in (someone).

So there you have it and I guess that a good way of terming out my current internal landscape is that my megativity has me feeling entirely fucking on-raged about the sudden changes to my endeavors here. Given all the various options I think that is not all that bad of a response at all and stands as a sort of testament to how healthy this experience of becoming more self-sufficient and sharing my experiences has been (and is) for me.

The disappointment that I feel is largely that I have somehow let folks down that have contributed to me (and what I am doing here) along the way. To be blunt I feel like shit about that and all I can say other than I am sorry is that I also thought what I was doing had some longevity to it and really the changes are totally outside my 'doing' or scope of responsibility which is frustrating in it's own way because I tend to own the mistakes that I make and shoulder the responsibility of them. Unfortunately the changes don't actually have jack shit to do with me so I just can't 'own' them.

That particular flavor of disappointment I am using as 'fuel for the fire' as I move forward and am deeply resolved to continue to share my experiences and have as much continuity with what I have been doing here at the next place that I find myself when this phase of things is finished.

For now all that I can really do is keep looking for a suitable place, continue packing and dismantling the homestead and keep my pragmatic attitude intact enough to get me through the entire process.

Well I have rambled on here enough for one morning and since the weather is nice again I need to get all this edited, posted and get on with my itinerary for the day.

I hope that everyone is doing well and all that jazz and I will undoubtedly do the same.

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Today's Obligatory Picture: My Blueberry Bush!

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