The Footprints- An Open letter

"She was a forgiver, Her heart was so large she didn't know how to give on people because she always believed good in those she loved, It was until she was walked on so many times, She had no choice but let go of those who burned holes in her heart."
-Mark Martin

Growing up for me was strange, I mean, puberty is another story but what was even worse was seeing that a part of me rebelled to return home. Home is the sanctum of growth, it is where you learn the value of family, hope, faith and most importantly the value of relationships. Unlike most people, I grew up failing to learn all of these subtle yet understated learnings that, most people do not value. I think they do not value it as much as I missed it, because absence teaches you at most times, what presence could almost never.

I know what you’re thinking, it’s perhaps I didn’t like going back home? Partially correct.

Since we have reached here, I’ll tell you anyway, my parents would have arguments every night. I grew up in midst of a painful divorce that my parents decided to have, without ever asking my opinion on the same. I felt terribly lost because I didn’t know whose side to pick, nor did I know if I was supposed to pick sides.Missing them used to hurt me so much, the same way a missing key on typewriter hurts.I love both my parents equally so it just did not seem right to see them fight about silly things. It felt sad, sometimes I would lock myself up in a room and play games on my mother’s phone, till sleep caused my eyes to naturally shut. Almost every night I would pray that one day these fights stopped and everything would go back in time where my parents loved each other and wouldn’t fight where finally I would get one complete family where my parents would try hard to do silly things which will turn out to be one of those amazing memories rather than fighting on silly things.

Guess what, that didn’t happen.

I did not want to be looked at with pitiful eyes, staring with sympathy so I did not talk about my parent’s separation. I did not want to feel left out when all my friends spoke about their vacations or family dates. I felt wanted only when we went to court, to fight for custody. When inquired about my relationship with my parents, I said that ** ‘they love me both equally’.**

The hard truth was that they did not even love each-other equally. Also, sometimes, I’d think to myself how everything would be if I was never born. Although it all healed, I still do not like thinking about growing up. It makes me sad and resentful.

As days passed and like all of us come in contact with life’s most absurd epiphanies, I learnt that it takes two people to keep a relationship and maybe my parents did not try hard enough to want to stay together. A part of me lost faith in relationships, love and to a point even trust any new person.

All I know that it feels terrible to choose sides, moving on, seeing your parents cry and keeping it all inside. I wish someone asked me if I ‘was doing good’ or if ‘I was okay?’

I’m that person now, I talk my heart out, I tell people that ‘It’s Okay’.

I have turned into the person that I once wanted.

An open letter, which Reeya could never tell yet read out loud to the world.