So often friends and family asked me in the past why I fell in love with my previous partner. We were engaged after being four years together and yet again I finished it off once I realized that being engaged gave him the impression that since that moment, he could take me for granted. Respect and the reciprocate complicity should not change when they think "ah, now I have her, she is definitely mine".... no. Nothing is set on stone.
And they asked me what did I see in him back then... we are talking about almost six years ago, till about two years ago when we finished our romance. We are still great friends to date, and we help each other when is needed, and I would like to keep it that way, as I know I can trust him with my life and so can he.
... so what did I see in him, they asked me many times. And I wanted to write about this because there are so many stereotypes of what women see in men. And to be completely honest, what we find or what we look in a partner will very much depend on the moment of life, on the person itself, on their intentions too... It is clearly ridiculous to seek a stable relationship with someone that openly tells you they only want sex... so well, then that person gets put into the pile of "the ones that only want sex" instead of the short list of "this could be an excellent candidate to build something together".... if you know what I mean... We cannot pretend to build a future with someone that only wants some "fun"...
And what did I love from him. What first called my attention was that he worked so well, he was so meticulous, so thorough.... he was fearless to try new things, and that was a really interesting . He is a gardener, but contrary to popular belief, it requires great dedication for flowers to bloom wherever you pass by... the grass looked better, the flowers grew happier, everything changed where he passed... maybe anybody can do gardening, but not everybody will be able to be an excellent gardener... and the love you put into what you do, does show. He is from the Venezuelan mountains, the Andes originally although he grew up in the city of Caracas.
When you have the mountains in your blood, it shows. It talks about you, it, itself talks about you in the way you love your environment, the nature, how you cherish the countryside.... And same as I have the Pyrenees in my blood, in my childhood, as part of my essence, I know that the person who will be most likely to understand me and vice versa, will have had a similar love and experience about the world. Then everything else may be totally different. To be honest, we had so very little in common. Nothing I think, but it was fantastic to nurture each other with experiences we could share.
So,... what else... he was particularly mysterious. Didn't talk that much at first and that... well, you know what they say, that curiosity killed the cat... and in time he opened up and I found out he had lost his trust in others because of bad experience.... don´t we all have them? I understood and he also understood that I wasn´t like the rest. At all.
It´s bizarre to encounter a social context which is totally different to that we have been living in all our lives.
I came to this country, Venezuela, to sort some issues about my sister´s dad´s life after he got ill with Alzheimer. He is the person I have always known as father, although I always grew up with my mum and he didn´t help at all. Besides, I was the fierce daughter whilst my my sister was the happy daughter...so our relationship was a bit iffy and distant, as he didn't approve of me not being more pretentious to say everything was perfect. Besides it's difficult to see the world like that as a teenager. My vision of life has changed nowadays, but back then... anyways...
His house had been stolen and he had been brought almost to bankruptcy by who had grew up with him as a son, and also by the solicitor who stole his house, business and almost everything else... so as my sister couldn't cope with all the trouble for various reasons, I said that for her, I would. I would go to the end of the world for her even if I know that she wouldn't do the same for me, but I know I would.
So I came to a country I didn't know, to a house that was way too big for what I was used to (and falling apart or partly demolished) and to be part of a pretty medieval society in what regards to equality and social opportunities.
It stroke me the day, after many weeks of knowing my ex, when we first kissed. He said "I don't know if this is right" and I asked him why, would there be anything I didn't know? ... he said "because am poor".
That really destroyed me in that moment. What made him think I was rich or that I wasn't struggling with life, or that I didn't live day to day.... he had no idea all the difficulties I had lived in my life (and I can tell you, they are a hell of a lot!)... but then I thought... of course. Social differentiation is so characteristic in this country that just by judging where I was living (even if falling apart or partly demolished) was already labeling me. I have never liked labels especially as I dont fit under just one, perhaps many, and not all the time...
What I said to him when he said that is "are you a thief? are you a killer? No. Do you know how to read, write and work? do you have somewhere to live? do you have a loving family? Yes... then you are not poor, you have a bad financial situation at the moment, and you can sort that out". I think I convinced him with that to try out... and that lasted four and a half years more.
I noticed that most people that refuse giving chances to live their own happiness is for being afraid of not fitting in. Fitting into something that is only in their minds, because they don't really know either how that is. Like with the previous partner, the problem we had to overcome together was that of self confidence. Knowing that none of us know exactly what is going on, but we are making the best decisions we consider, and we are learning along the way.
And back to the initial question. I was always asked that because he was a person that had a totally different lifestyle than mine, lived in a different social environment and we had very different views of life and future as well as past experiences. But we had at least a few things in common: we didn't give up, we carried on trying to discover new ways of being better, we believed that there would always be a middle ground, or that sometimes one of us will have to give in something, and other times it would be the other person... we wanted to make it possible.
And that is very very attractive in anybody. Wanting to try. Not knowing how it will be but wanting to find out. Knowing that the situation wasn't ideal but together things could work. And they did so smoothly, because there was love. We had got to agreements from our heart.
If he didn't have money to contribute at that time he was working here as the house was falling apart and there was so much to do I couldn't do on my own. So he got a salary for his work, and aside from that, we shared house tasks. We managed to separate our professional and love lives because that was our compromise to make things work well.
When I first met him, he was working for someone who paid him weekly half the minimum salary. Being the best worker he had, that was infuriating because he did make the difference. I told his boss "I will steal him from you, and you will suffer if you don't recognize his work appropriately"... he didn't believe me. .... and as weeks went by, well, you know what happened in the end... and I said to him "one day you will be your own boss, you will have your own transport and you will have so much work that you will have people helping you to do it, and they will work for you". He said "I doubt it, I cannot do that".
As months went by, he realised he could. He did. I recommended him to everybody that came and saw this garden. His work spoke for him. I recommended him to the community... Four years later he got his own car, a modest car, but his car, his own car. Something he thought he could not get. And nowadays he has his own customers and is the community gardener.
And that reminds me a meme I love.... "it's incredible how far you can go when someone believes in you".
And again, the initial question. What did I see in him. I saw all he could be, all he wanted to be and didn't know how to get to it. I saw a warm soul, a caring man, truthful, sensitive, wise, loyal, sensible, who didn't have eyes for any other woman, who believed my words and that my love was pure and honest.
I remember when we started dating I cried when he left, I couldn't bear being far from him, it hurt me in a very strange way. He started staying with me during the week and leave to his place on the weekend. I felt devastated every friday.... as time went by we started living together completely. Every day was like the first day for me.
I guess that as time goes by they start taking your for granted and forget to pay you attention, tell you I love you back, they forget to give you a kiss in the morning when they wake up before you. ... they forget those little details that make every day be like the first one. And so hearts start shrinking and disappointment hurts slowly deflating the heart balloon we have in our chest.... and when you have not asked for anything back from them but respect, complicity and love and that respect is lost.... then it makes love vanish...
... and things end.... romance ends, at least. And then comes the "I will change" or "I love you"s or the "I am sorry"s.... and all the "you are my world".... but you see that alcohol will always be the number one. And it will be the only difference culturally and socially that will distance us. The only one big factor that tear us apart. How curious, that something that has totally nothing to do with where you were born or in which socio-cultural context is the factor that will determine the end of a beautiful future. Because the decision lays within, your choices, what you are willing to give or take, what you will choose for your future...
So,... we have happiness in our hands sometimes and throw it all out of the window because there was no thought about the other person, no empathy. And perhaps they were not able to ascertain the extent to which what surrounds them will have that greater positive impact in their lives...
And they think women only look for a certain stereotype of man. With certain physical characteristics and they don't realize how much we see beyond that. Ok, maybe not all women, but generally speaking a well centered woman that loves herself enough. We only look for peace of mind, love, respect, empathy, tolerance and complicity. And what will make us fall in love will depend on how each of us are and what we are able to read between the lines.
Also the amount of information that a woman will need from a man to fall in love will depend on the experiences that the woman has lived and what she considers totally necessary, desirable or that can be spared. It will also depend on the verbal and non-verbal communication of the other person. What can be "read" and what will be "made understood"... I for instance can fall in love very deeply and that love would remain until I am so disappointed or disrespected that I had enough. And all my partners (which have only been a very few) know that, when you water a plant, it keeps blooming. So is love. Stop watering it and it will die. Or, in my case, if you water it with alcohol. Now, I must have done something right if the most mature relationships I had would be willing to try again (unlike me)... even with all my mistakes and occasional misunderstanding... but now, what is gone, is gone. You cannot re-live a plant, a new seed has to be planted, but the old one can only become compost.
Anyways, so I wish men didn't take women for granted. And yes I will expand this to "i wish nobody took each other for granted", that nobody took their loving partners for granted, and always nurtured and cherished the love they are given, and it felt natural to maintain it alive. I know some men will read this and think that women should do the same,... and I agree. Totally. It's not that men are bad and women are good. I didn't say that.
What I wrote was an introspection to what I felt, in my own particular past experience and of course there will be people that will think "I only want some fit bird to do her" or "i just want a friend without a compromise"... of course, as I said before it will depend on the person and the stage they are in, in their life and growth process... which is totally individual and non-judgeable. Also I am not only referring to only a female-male relationship, but whichever type, it' all the same principle.
... Be a good person, treat your partner right, be courteous, truthful, respectful, tolerant, understanding, loving, caring and the rest comes on its own. And whatever you do, do it from your heart. It doesn't matter if you make small mistakes as long as you meant it for good. Give yourself, and you will find eventually someone that will correspond what you are hoping to complete you.