Pansexuality, Privilege and Passing: A personal exploration

Full disclosure. I had never heard the word pan-sexual before 2008.

As a protest, in 2008, I joined the Pan-sexual Peace Party to oppose the traditional Democrat vs Republican ideal. I did it because it was the most 'out there' party I could find to pick. I assumed it was more of a pagan thing, like being sexually into the trees and the ocean. Loving the earth. I plead my age on this one. It took me until 2016 to understand what it actually was... and that I was it.

I had always tentatively called myself bisexual, if asked, for lack of a better word, but it never really fit. I never came out to my parents, and did not mention it unless it was applicable to the situation at hand. I held myself up as a paragon of sex-positivity and free-to-be-me-ness. I dated a couple of women in my life, but found myself much more picky with women and rare to find a connection that I wanted to keep beyond a sexual encounter or a friendship. In hindsight, there was more than a little self-judgement and hiding in my choice to keep the women I dated at arms length. There were exceptions to this, of course, and the women I really liked, and had the potential to fall in love with, I was too scared to pursue. As a female identifying person who tended towards relationships with men, I never had to defend my self or feel oppressed in the traditional way. Instead, I swallowed it when both LGBT and Straight people insisted that bisexuality was just a stop on the way to gayness, or that I was just trying to be trendy or impress guys with my attraction to women...or insisted that it was an excuse for promiscuity. The confusing part for me was realizing I was also attracted to non-binary people and trans people. I did not really tell anyone about the last part, since I did not know what to call it, and mostly felt it was not their business. Calling myself
"pan-sexual" is challenging, as it sounds trendy or made up...or like I want to copy Miley Cyrus. I am not a Millenial. I just play one because in my generation this term did not exist in the mainstream, as it does today.

I had already been in a heterosexual relationship for 10 years before realizing I was Pan-sexual. Being Pan-sexual means you are attracted to people regardless of gender. It does NOT mean, you are attracted to everyone you meet, anymore than a straight, cis-woman is attracted to every man she meets. One may skew one way or another on the continuum, but essentially, someone pan-sexual could feel attraction for and possibly love a man, woman, whether trans or cis, or non-binary or gender -queer person. I am in a committed relationship, with no plans or agenda to seek out other lovers. The fact that I am a cis-woman, who has children and a relationship with a cis-man, does not make me straight. It has taken me this long to realize that.

I remember when I was 16, my dad saying "it's okay if you are gay", and I knew that would be true...if I were gay. They were boomer hippies who had many gay friends and family members. They were prepared for gay. I was confused wondering if my Dad was right....Was I gay? Um,I would say the mad-crush I had on Eddie Vedder should have tipped me off that I would not be living a life without men. I decidedly liked men. But also women... something I discovered when I was 16 and working as prep-cook and dishwasher at a girl-scout camp, (cliche, I know) and fell in love with the 18 year old lifeguard and swim coach. Despite our summer romance, and the strongest feelings I had had for ANYONE to that date, I never breathed a word to my parents about it, nor did I feel like I was hiding anything. I was just plain mute on the subject. I am not sure how I would have answered if they had asked. I might have lied, but why? Over the years, I tiptoed into conversations with my parents about bisexuality, gauging their reactions before deciding that it was not worth having the conversation. I tended to date men anyway, so why bother? I did not realize at the time that I was using my passing privilege to avoid having a hard conversation. When a person is gay, they either have to act on it, or suppress it, causing themselves the harm of self-deception. When a person is bisexual or pansexual, they may be in a number of different configurations of relationship over their lifetimes, but can always choose to appear "normal" by being in a hetero relationship without really doing much harm to themselves (pending they have a good relationship with said person). Choosing to be "out" as pan-sexual or bisexual drops you into a strange chasm of judgement from all sides of the isle.

I am 38 as I write this. Not afraid of dropping this publicly, since I am new to Steem and not ashamed of who I am. As I sit here, I am also not actively planning on telling my parents or "coming out" to other family. I wonder if I am doing harm by keeping my sexuality to myself when my mormon in-laws talk about loving the sinner and hating the sin. Next time, I plan on ditching the argument that I "know many gay, trans or bi-people" in favor of I AM ONE. I wonder if I should come out to my children when they are older...or if it is just another box I am uncomfortable being in. In my world and my mind, being open to all kinds of connection, whether friendship, romance or even just sex, is part of the evolution of our species. I am a believer that eventually we will look back and see "gay" or "straight" or "Bisexual" as unnecessary distinctions, and see the biological flexibility that exists in us all. You may say I'm a dreamer...but I'm not the only one. ;-)