As some might know I’m developer by day and paramedic (more on that to come) by night. My free time is very limited and most of the recent days I’m switching from one work place to another. But that’s another story.

Recently I stumbled upon a BonJovi song which I knew, but never really thought about. Probably because I like almost all BonJovi songs :).

The attentive reader should know the song by now.
Obviously it’s “Something to believe in” from the album “These Days”.

So what’s this post about?

Well, a few night shifts ago we had a patient in a really bad condition. So we demanded an emergency doctor. Nothing bad so far, a few days ago I heard that this particular patient died inside the hospital.
Also “nothing special”, we know we can’t help everyone and there are diseases which are incurable.

Normally you talk about this sort of things and after that, it’s done and cleared from your mind. Thats simply described how paramedics, like I’m, deal with deaths or really bad injuries. Not in this case.

About a year ago, my cousin died of cancer. I thought I’d already processed it. But events like these bring back the memory (“I can never talk to him again”). We didn’t have the best relationship altogether but now that he’s gone things like these start to bother you. And here I am writing a blog post about it.

So, live goes on…

…is probably one of the most overused sentences in a context like this. Things should get lighter, at least that’s whats people say. I can partialy confirm that.

I didn’t think about my cousin allmost half a year, I didn’t think about the first person I reanimated, altho it was just a few months ago.

And that’s something that bothers me also. On the one side I have to let go and focus on other things, otherwise I would have a mental breakdown in no time. On the otherside there are the personal events that happen which also fall through the paramedic “filter” as it can’t be turned off easily.

I made a suspicious diagnosis of a myocardial infarction of my grandfather about two weeks (he’s quite a stubborn skull :)) before he was transported to hospital.

“Should I have forced him to the hospital after he told me his symptoms?”

Questions like this start to appear in you mind all the time. “Did we do all that we could to prevent this patient from suffering?” is another one.

Sure we can only do what we can do, but there is always the feeling that we could have done more, even tho we were told that we’ve done everything and everything correctly.

So where are we as human beings?

Always doing the best and giving the most. Always with the feeling that more could be done. Are we condemned to regularly fall into sadness and pain?

Surely not but there are days we feel like that. And thats were the song kicks in:

If I don’t believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope.
If I don’t believe in heroin, how can I believe in dope.
If there’s nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin.
In a world that gives you nothing.
We need something to believe in.

“We need something to believe in” — sure, but sometimes it’s hard to find something. Currently I’m sure I’m believing in something but it’s hard to describe and probably a subject for another post.

Thanks for reading this far and helping me get around some sadness.