The forgotten child

I see you, although sometimes it may not seem like I do. You are important and appreciated. But sometimes you get lost in the shuffle.

You march to the beat of your own drum. And I’ve always loved that about you. But you have three other siblings who can easily drown your thunder. It’s hard to be noticed sometimes.

But I see you. I know how hard you try. Sometimes it never seems to work out and you are cast in the role of the villain. I see that too. You are not the bad guy.

You feel left out at times. I feel your pain. As a result you may lash out and feel misunderstood. But I understand you. I may not always show it. I may get angry over things that aren’t worth it. I am sorry. I will try to do better.

You are my first-born. That’s a big deal when you are a triplet. I have to be a mom to all of you. Sometimes that isn’t enough – you may need more from me. You had me 100% for 5 weeks while your brother and sister were gone. You didn’t have to share. You didn’t have to compromise. Then they came home and your world was turned upside down. I know you didn’t mean to lose your brother’s things while he was away. You get blamed for so much and I see how you hurt inside.

You aren’t like them. You crave solitude and down time. They spent five weeks in Asia with tons of other kids your age but you weren’t there. You didn’t want to be. I get that. But you wish you wanted to be. I know you wish a lot of things were different. Every day I feel your frustration for thinking you are a social pariah. You aren't. I promise.

Being the outcast is hard. It’s not a role you asked for. It’s hard for me when I see you feeling like a scapegoat. I want to say you are a wonderful person and that you don’t have to be like your siblings to be loved or successful in your life. I think you know this deep down. But you won’t really know it until years from now.

Ride it out. You are my son and I love you just the way you are. Please be you and give yourself a break. The heartache of adolescence will soon pass.

Remember this one thing, though, my son. You may think it appears that everyone has it together. Why not you? My answer is they don’t. What you see on the outside does not reflect turmoil on the inside. And I guarantee they are not going though teenage-hood unscathed by insecurity or social awkwardness. They may be better at hiding it than you are. But it’s just as real for them.

You feel perceived injustices deeply. You are learning to accept responsibility for choices you make. I am proud of you for that. Many adults still can’t do this.

You, my son, are a gift and I am so grateful to be your mom. You are teaching me much about myself; I am learning how to be a better person because of you. I mess up, but I’ll keep trying. This parenthood thing is hard, you know? But we are in it together, and I’m here for you.

You will be okay. Trust me. I see the future of the world in your eyes and it’s beautiful. I want you to be able to see it too.

(Dedicated to my son who is having a hard time with his siblings returning from a five- week romp across southeast Asia.)

Illustration © Johanna Westerman 2012