How to guide our children through their crushes

Let us begin by defining what a crush is; According to the dictionary, a crush is a short-lived and unrequited(unanswered or not returned) love or infatuation. It comes with the attendant emotions (butterflies in the stomach, feelings of shyness & embarrassment, and these feelings can be very unsettling especially if it involves someone they know e.g a friend or teacher.

In the course of my interactions with preteens and teens, I discovered that their parents were never aware of their crushes. Majority of the teens gave reasons for this as;

1. Because they didn't see the need to tell their parents.
2. There was no real relationship between parent and teen.

And so, due to the above reasons, most teens just keep the experience to themselves and let it die if there's no vent for expression.
As parents, we have to realize that the 21st century child is so awakened and times have changed.

As a parent, you need to be patient, and understanding with your child, giving guidance during this time that can be very difficult and awkward for them.

Having a Crush is Normal

It can feel very confusing, scary and exhilarating for a young teen who is experiencing his/her first crush, and they are often unprepared and ill-equipped to deal with the accompanying emotions.

They may wonder why they feel shy, embarrassed, or get butterflies whenever they are around someone, and these odd (and often sudden) feelings can be very unsettling, especially if they involve someone they know, like a friend or teacher.

Therefore, it is always a good idea to anticipate, and begin discussing the subject when you have a suspicion that a crush is beginning (or even before), so that they have an idea of what to expect, and that the weird sensations they are experiencing are totally normal.

If you feel comfortable, and your teen is receptive, you may want to add little bits about your own crushes; not only does this make them feel less alone, but knowing that you have experienced something similar may make your teen more inclined to open up to you, and explain how they feel.

However, try not to talk about your personal experiences negatively: you know the reality is that crushes, or even relationships at this age, rarely work out, but your teen doesn’t necessarily need to hear that.

Don’t Invalidate Their Feelings

This is really important, because to your teen, the emotions and feelings they are experiencing are very real. Let your teen talk to you about it; show interest and listen carefully, and don’t ever belittle the sentiments expressed by laughing or making them feel silly about how they feel.

You should also resist the urge to tease them. Although we might find it cute, or are even thrilled about this new stage in our teen’s life, it is something very personal and shouldn’t be made light of; neither should it be shared with the rest of the family without their permission.

Warn of Inappropriate Behavior

It is important to speak to your teen about how to behave appropriately. Girls, in particular, can be quite extreme in their crush, and although deep emotions are normal, you should make it clear that it is not acceptable to make another person feel uncomfortable. Mercilessly teasing someone else to get their attention, or hanging around becoming a nuisance, will only embarrass or irritate the object of their affection, and should not be encouraged.

When it All Goes Wrong

Although you want to preserve your teen’s romantic illusions, you really need to explain the difference between a crush and a relationship. As mentioned, girls can become obsessed with the target of their affections, and this can often lead to them getting hurt very easily.

Most infatuations generally lead nowhere: teens either lose interest or get their heart broken. If it is unfortunately the latter, your teen is going to be devastated; again, don’t judge, or make light of their feelings, just listen. They need to know that the strong emotions they are experiencing are normal, and that it is okay to feel sad. What they won’t want to hear is that they’ll get over it; we know that’s true, but it certainly won’t help when they are heartbroken.

Some teens, especially boys, might not be prepared to tell you how upset they feel. So, it is crucial to follow their cue: play it by ear, and if they don’t initially wish to speak to you about it, don’t force the issue; instead, remind them you are always there if they want to talk.

In conclusion,
Parents must seek to develop a healthy relationship with their teens in order to help them navigate through this stage of their teenage life. Be their best friend, and earn their trust! It takes some burden off the parenting journey!