Am I a Good Father?

When my first child was born it was a pretty frantic experience to say the least as it probably is for most new parents. We were sitting at our house and it was a regular fall weekend. My wife started to experience the pains of labor and we knew it was time. We rushed off to the hospital, and were immediately checked in. The anxiety started to set in for both of us as they started to check the vital signs of our new baby. We were going to be parents! My wife was given labor inducing medicine and we waited, and waited, and waited some more. . After about, 16 hours the doctors came in frantically and said my wife needs a C-section and they have to perform the procedure "NOW". I clearly remember drifting in and out of sleep at her bed-side and was awoken out of a dream to multiple doctors in our room. They ushered my wife off to the operating room and said they would be back for me when ready. At this point my anxiety level was through the roof, thinking to myself all the things that could go wrong. When the doctors came back I was brought to the operating room where my wife was laying on an operating table and had been given pain medication so she couldn't feel from her torso down. They sat me right next to her so I could hold her hand while the doctors were wearing large Avatar helmets and began to cut my wife open at her stomach. The experience of a C-Section is kind of surreal as the doctor begins to cut a human being open while they are still awake and then proceeds to aggressively pull the baby out of a body. I clearly remember being extremely scared and also thinking to myself, "This shit is pretty barbaric for the 21st century. Can't believe we haven't figured out a better way to do this by now." If you have every experienced a C-Section for the first time, then you will know what I mean. Anyhow, everything went well and our baby girl was delivered successfully. I remember seeing her for the first time and it was great, however there wasn't that feeling as described by some people. . .I didn't have those awe inspiring feelings and I didn't feel the immediate love and bond that some new parents speak of. It was more of a 'What the fuck is happening right now!' feeling. 

The Next 3 1/2 Years

Over the next 3 1/2 years my wife managed to pop out 2 more children and now our lives were really in full baby swing. 3 kids under 3 years old is no easy task for anyone. We were officially out numbered and playing "zone defense" with these 3 little bundles of joy. One thing that has always concerned me is that it took a really long time for me to feel a major bond with any of my children when they were younger than 2 years old. Maybe it is a "guy thing" but there was  no major attachment when any of my kids were under 2 years old. This is not to say that I didn't enjoy feeding them or watching them make funny faces, but there was never those extreme feelings of love that you hear people talk about. Maybe I don't get attached easily or maybe there is just something wrong with me, but I don't ever remember having those over the top, you changed my life, I could never live without you type of feelings. I often times wondered if there was something wrong with me. 

The Coming Years

Today, my oldest daughter is 5 years old, my son is 3 years old, and my youngest daughter is 2. They are still a handful at these ages and it sometimes feels like my wife and I are losing the battle as they seem to know how to disrupt our zone defense strategies. They manage to pull off unthinkable tasks while watching and laughing as we try to keep order in a house of 2 adults and 3 wild animals. The pressure can be mounting at times and there is one question that is always on my mind, "Am I A Good Father?". I can say one thing I know for certain is that those love feelings that people speak of regarding their children has most certainly set in, but not until about 2 years of age with any of my children. It is at this age where they start to communicate a little bit and become more like "little people" as opposed to burping, slurping, pooping machines when they are just babies. Maybe it just takes longer for men to become attached as women have a head start by carrying the baby in their womb for 9 months, who knows?.  

Fatherhood 

The question of being a good father is always with me. Children do not come into this world with an instructional manual and it is not always easy to know if you are "doing it right". You just do your best and hope for the rest. I guess I could talk about all the things I teach my children and the love I show them on a daily basis, but there always seems to be the doubt in the back of my mind. You never really know if you are figuring this Daddy thing out. There are no pats on the back and you aren't graded for your efforts. You're a parent and it can be difficult and extremely rewarding while testing every ounce of patience that you have at the same time. 

Am I A Good Father?

I don't really know. . .But then again, does anyone really?