Your sensible 12 year-old disappeared and their judgment seemed to regress?
Here's why and some light at the end of the tunnel.
Photo by James Baldwin on Unsplash
During babyhood your child went through a great brain growth spurt & then did some pruning to consolidate what was learned and make her brain more efficient. You were expecting it because she was growing right?
But did you know she just went through another great growth spurt in the pre-frontal part of the brain between 11 and 12 years? [The 'second thoughts' part of the brain.]
At 12, he was pretty smart and started making really good decisions. He could have told you how to run your life, had the moral compass of Buddha and you could trust him to turn the lights off sometimes [in favour of the polar bears environment].
Now, that's all gone out the window. She's pruning her frontal cortex and to some extent it is off line and she's using a more primitive section of the brain for judgment. In the long run this will be a good thing, but right now she's gonna probably love fast rides and find you boring and overly cautious.
The prefrontal cortex sits just behind the forehead. It is particularly interesting to scientists because it acts as the CEO of the brain, controlling planning, working memory, organization, and modulating mood. As the prefrontal cortex matures, teenagers can reason better, develop more control over impulses and make judgments better.
Pruning of this section explains a whole lot about why your kid is more disorganised and moody.
https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/work/adolescent.html
Photo by Andrea Tummons on Unsplash
Harness the pruning time. Give him more adventures so he doesn't go out and find his own!
Also, a great book that can help you deal with your teen is Parent Teen Breakthrough.
He's more likely to listen to you if he thinks you are cooperative and an ally than someone who is trying to slow him down and stop him. The most important thing you can nurture is cooperation and connection. That's how you are going to have the most influence over keeping him safe and the most opportunity to add to his thinking processes with some good prefrontal cortex judgment.
If your teen is struggling badly with moods, depression, impulsivity or anxiety you can get help from a homeopath. We can help to balance these mental emotional states. If you want to find out more about my work with teens see.
Hi @sallylloyd, I am so in this zone with my 13 year old. A dose of Sulphur 200c has turned him back into something like the boy I knew before, although he still leaves his dirty socks on the floor. ;-)
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THAT sounds familiar 😂
I’m just about to go through my 4th round. My 10 year old dd is as tall as me and I suspect she’s about 3 years ahead developmentally so I’m enjoying it whilst I can and crossing fingers it’ll be ok 👌
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Yes! Really helpful to understand where these changes and......phases :) are coming from!
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That’s what I felt. Makes it easier to be understanding and tolerant and also to work with the changes. Also let’s yiu know there is light at the end of the tunnel right @monkeygentle?
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My son is 12 and is still in the Buddha stage. Now I’m scared to let him turn into a teen! My daughter is another matter! She’s 9 going on 19 and if there is a remedy to adjust attitude and calm the chat back then please tell me now!! I will check out that book, my son turns 13 in September and I need to do some serious preparation! Another fab post Sally, I love reading your blogs x
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Well thanks Tracy, me old mucker! Glad you enjoy them!
That book! That’s the way forward for sure. 😄
It’s gonna be some tough love reading it but really useful.
Xx
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I don't have kids and have been medically advised to not consider it. But like everybody else, I was a teen once. And I recall watching at the sidelines as a lot of my classmates went through the defensive whenever they got told to scale back on the attitude. I was on the emotionally-challenged spectrum during that time so I was mostly delegated the task of being the sitter for everyone else. But looking back, as I now feel sometimes defensive when cornered, it makes sense that teens are prone to biting first when they feel like they are questioned too much. With the brain changes and surges of hormones, the perspective shifts. Everything seems heightened somehow and it gets confusing. They struggle to make sense of everything and if someone comes at them, for sure it's going to be messy. Our default for survival is to defend ourselves. Being approached with neutrality seems logicak. But I can hardly blame parents when their own parental instinct are also on overdrive and they just want to know their kids are okay. I guess it's a matter of communication and understanding that there are physiological changes to be factored in when dealing with teens. In any case, interesting read. I've always thought it's mostly hormones.
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I’m in agreement with you there. I’m a libertarian and it is hard for me to have a child say ‘am I allowed ...’. My kids will reply “allowed? We don’t bother with that word.” Coz they’ve heard it so much from me. We just don’t really have that word. It’s too power-one-way for me to feel comfortable with. So the Parenting Teen Breakthrough book is an excellent one as it points out to parents that they don’t have control, they never did and they should stop seeking for it as it disrupts any influence they have a hope of having. ❤️
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Perhaps the term control is the issue. Influence is a far better term or idea that both party should consider. Children look up to parents and are more likely to be swayed into a certain decision provided they are not driven into a corner where they feel instinctively defensive. And I suppose it's the same for parents in that they should also consider the opinion of their children enough to modify their own (with reason of course). I find that some parents have the reasoning that because they're older and they are the parents, every decision they make is right. I've had that experience where I was told, "I'm the parent." And down the line, it turned out my decision would've been better off. And yet it was painted that it was my fault regardless that shit hit the fan for not re-iterating my side enough.
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Many years ago, I heard this statement :
"When you have teenagers, it's important to have a dog in the house so that someone is happy to see you! "
I found it funny then, not so much now 🙄
Great article.
Thanks for sharing the article about teenage brain development. I've seen it many times online, but never read it.
It helps to understand the chaotic situation that we find ourselves in, wondering, where are all my efforts gone? Is this going to be the future of my child?
No...of course not. It can't be! There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel...only it's switched off for energy saving reasons 😂
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Haha! Yes! Busy preserving the polar bear’s ice caps 😂😂😂😂
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