A Letter From Courage The Cowardly Dog
Lily,
Recently, I saw a post on your Twitter page, and you said you will no longer give people the benefit of the doubt and treat people as they treat you.
For sure, you’re referring to some people, and I know I’m definitely one of them, but if I can, let me defend myself and say never judge a book by its cover. I know that our friendship isn’t as close as it used to be before.
Normally, after church, you would always come up to my seat and we would talk, but all that has changed because it's always you reaching out and making the effort to call or send text messages, and it's starting to feel like you're the one forcing this friendship. I am so sorry, but how do I tell you that I hate how I feel whenever we get to discuss something and you ask about my job status? I have to tell you that I'm still jobless.
I hate the fact that you want to come over to my place, and I have given multiple excuses because I don't want you to see the cracks on the wall, the deteriorating environment, and the dysfunction in my family. I hate the fact that I can't walk up to you and say hi because of how low I feel about myself around you, I hate the fact that I know that you want us to hang out and I have refused because of this image crisis, I hate the fact that you have consistently not just in words but also shown that you care about friendships and I have refused to meet you in the middle because but how do I tell you that I have social anxiety, I hate the fact that you think highly of me and I feel like I have failed because I haven't lived up to that expectation, I hate the fact that we both registered for THAT THING and it didn't work out, I hate that I feel like you're starting to regret reaching out to me, I despise the fact that we met at a point in my life when things are really low, I hate that I'm feeling this way.
You were one of the first people who reached out to me when I and my family newly moved into the neighborhood and into the church, and I sensed that your concern for me was genuine and from a good place (which I truly and sincerely appreciate and am grateful to God for).
How did we go from walking back home together after church and laughing and talking about our childhood experiences, schools (coincidentally, we attended the same primary school and lived in the same neighborhood growing up), TV shows, and business to strangers? Our last hi was really cold, and I felt it in my heart. Most times I stay in my room, and I just pray that you get this message from my spirit telling you that I’m really not this unpleasant, you know!
It is 100% my fault; I accept and I’m sorry, but how do I tell you that I’m really messed up in my head? I overthink the entire situation, and I have allowed this season to make me bitter. I recently heard this message from TD Jakes, and he said
"Will you maintain who you are when it doesn’t look like it’s paying off, or have you gotten so bitter that you have changed you because of this season you’re in, because it is a season and it’s going to pass? Don’t allow a temporary circumstance to change you permanently, where you become bitter rather than better; this too shall pass!"
I hate the fact that I’m losing out on a lifelong friendship because of this nonsense; I hate the fact that one of us might move elsewhere and you would never get to hear this from me; I hate the fact that I want to tell you all of this but I can’t because I don’t have the courage to; I hate the fact that you might never get to read this letter; I hate the fact that this is my cover and you have judged me by it.
You know what? All of this is funny. In my head, we have these conversations and we do all these things, but come to think of it, if you knew all of this, would you still be interested in our friendship? I don’t know. Would you laugh as well and say you’re going through the same thing, or would you prefer to move on and not be around someone like me?
I really wish you knew how hard I’m trying to come out of myself, come out of my head, and be free. If I could tell you anything right now, it would be thank you for trying! I’m not sure I would be this patient if it was the other way around.
Never judge a book by its cover because sometimes the cover might be struggling mentally. Maybe I don’t understand the statement, but one thing is certain: You have misjudged me….