You all should have SEEN my face when it was announced a few days ago that our new Batman would be played by who else but the boy-toy himself...Robert freaking Pattinson. I almost lost it. I just couldn't accept that the once teenage heartthrob would be the next man up to don the cape and cowl. I just could not take it seriously.

"Why can't DC just be normal!?", I shouted towards the heavens with salty tears of nerd rage rolling down my face and fists clenched in utter annoyance.

"Why can't they just be consistent for once in my life!?"

After all, it seemed like DC had gotten back on track with the recent successes of Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and Shazam. Why would they make such a stupid casting choice for such an important character to the DC mythos? I sat, wallowing in my own self-pity, wondering if this could truly be the final nail in the coffin for the hope of any semblance of a successful film universe.

However, when I got to actually thinking about it...I realized just how wrong I could be (and probably was). Only God himself knows how badly I want to be wrong.

Let's talk about it.

This Isn't the First Time...

So after my tears of unbridled nerd rage ran dry and my fists were adequately bloodied after repeatedly punching my very soft pillow more times than I would care to admit, I sat down and did the thing I do best.

I thought about it.

I thought about it long, and I thought about it hard.

Perhaps the first thing to pop into my head after considering reason was the fact that this wasn't the first time I had been upset with a Batman casting. In fact, I was probably even more upset with the Ben Affleck casting than I was with the Robert Pattinson one. I actually remember ranting to my mother (who was putting on makeup and knows absolutely nothing about comic books) about how he was doomed to fail, and how I had absolutely zero faith in his capabilities to play the caped crusader. While Batfleck did ultimately go down as a failed acting experiment on ol' Ben's resume...it definitely was not because he couldn't play the part. I don't think I would be alone in going so far as to say that Ben Affleck's Batman is perhaps the best version of the character we have seen thus far on screen. The fault of his demise (and the previously planned DC extended universe) lies solely in the hands of the now-terminated creative and financial teams behind it working at Warner Bros. However, their replacements seem to understand the concept of a comic book....as the past two DC movies have been outstanding (Wonder Woman having come from the Zack Snyder era).

This is the first of a few reasons why we should give this poor man the benefit of the doubt. If it was the "old DC" making these decisions, we probably would have cause to be very concerned indeed. However, this is most definitely not the "old DC", and this new one seems to have a sane head resting upon it's sacred shoulders, so I think us man-babies can rest easy knowing (and hoping) that this casting choice isn't a horrible horrible mistake. Unless you know Pattinson personally and have been in the movie making business for many many years....in which case you could slide into my DM's and give me the inside scoop.

The Curse of All Curses

I would propose that a major reason why people are freaking out about this spicy casting choice is the fact that young Mr. Pattinson was once the main star of a highly disliked teen-pop film series based on a poorly written drama about a Vampire and a Werewolf fighting over the love of a very angsty teenage girl. I wouldn't blame his sub-par performance on him...rather the finger definitely needs to be pointed at the horrendous screenplay and direction.

NOTE: This is all opinion...not that I need to mention that since we are all mature and intelligent adults living in America (probably). I am not a critic, nor would I want to associate myself with such a group of self-righteous sniveling pig-gremlins. If you love the Twilight films, that's super cool. By all means watch them until the day you die...I won't judge you.

In addition to his performance, there might be another reason why this casting choice is so controversial. Two words: Child Star. Pretty Boy. Teenage Heartthrob. We all love to hate them...and by we I mean middle-aged white nerds who never got a fraction of the amount of attention he got despite his lanky arms and presumed lack of talent. I've met many a man throughout my life, and the consensus seems to be that we all hate a man who can simply skate through life simply solely on his chiseled chin and deep-blue eyes (I actually have no clue what color his eyes are).

So to have a "pretty boy" like this potentially playing the most badass and masculine character in all of human existence would seem to be completely contradictory and definitely a "Knightmare" scenario for many.

Again...This Isn't the First Time....

Never fear though ladies and gentlemen. There is indeed still hope. Let's not forget the long list of child stars (many of them male heartthrobs) who ended up conquering the dreaded curse of extreme attactiveness and actually made a great career for themselves...providing us with exceptional entertainment in the process. One of these fabled unicorns is none other than the very man who just hung up his cape and cowl not too long ago....Batfleck himself. Let us also not forget Leo Dicaprio either...the one and only Wolf of Wall Street. However, perhaps the best example of a bad-thing gone right is...drum roll please....Zac Effron.

I hated that dude growing up.

I hated his stupid face and all the attention he got for literally no reason other than his flowing golden locks and his slightly above-average singing voice. But then he got absolutely jacked and quite hilarious and eventually earned my respect as a great actor. If Pattinson can emulate this formula (minus the comedy) and end up even half as great as Zac...then he will probably portray this beloved character just fine...given he is provided with adequate writing and direction obviously. Fingers crossed.

Although Mr. Pattinson is best known for his pale and mostly unimpressive vampire alter-ego, he has actually secretly and quietly been building a name for himself in the indie-film scene as of late...and has actually turned in more than a few impressive performances...even if the film itself didn't turn out to be the next Godfather. Upon further investigation, this casting choice doesn't seem too far out of left field, and if there is one thing he actually did well in the Twilight films...it's being moody, angsty, and brooding....right down the checklist for playing a good Batman.

...and let's be honest...he definitely does have the jawline for it.

Do You Even Lift Bro?

I should also note that, although Battinson has never been known for his body-building routine, Hollywood's finest will definitely make sure he is beefed-up adequately enough to play the role. This is absolutely no concern to me. I have faith in Hollywood in that regard. Lift your weights and drink your whey. Eat lots of Chicken. That sort of thing. Not terribly difficult. If Christian Bale can do it, then so can he. Just look at Zachary Levi's transformation for the role of Shazam. He went from Chuck to Shazam. Yeah...I'm not worried.

But Most Importantly....MONEY

Last but certainly not least, this makes perfect sense if you are DC and Warner Bros., because although someone like Armie Hammer might have been a more clear-cut choice and would have been certainly much safer (they could be saving him for green lantern)...they might have been too obvious and might not have generated nearly the amount of interest that Robert has and will over the next year or so. This seems like a high risk-high reward move by DC that, if it actually pans out, will end up making them a buttload of money while also re-establishing their prowess in the world of Comic Books in light of Avengers Endgame. If you understand marketing and basic economics, then you know exactly why DC and Matt Reeves made this move.

So although my deep-seeded hatred for no-talent teenage boy-toys still remains, my pessimism for the Pattinson hire does not. I must believe that this man can get the job done. If his ambition (shown in his recent indie-film ventures) even remotely resembles his capabilities for this role, I think we will be alright. Ultimately, it comes down to the creative team behind "The Batman" to give Pattinson what he needs in order to turn in a great performance, and it's up to Pattinson himself to provide just that. If they work together, hopefully they can give us a Batman story and portrayal worthy of the love fans so badly want to give DC and Warner Bros. We are all with you...not against you. Don't take this rage personally...we just want the best for our characters and let's be honest...the record isn't exactly clean when it comes to the character of Batman. Let us hope that they give us something closer to Bale's version rather than Clooney's.

Until then....

• SAF