A Long Goodbye: Sending Dad’s Ashes from California to the Philippines

My dad died on November 15th but as of today, December 30th, his ashes are still in his home in California. No, I did not dilly-dally. It’s the paperwork. I do not want to greet 2019 with unfinished business so I am writing what I learned in the hope that I will be able to help others who might go through this situation.

Background

My dad and I were separated when I was a child. I reconnected with him two years ago and met his life partner. In October 2018, his doctor told him he has only 3 to 6 months to live. He called me and asked that I travel from the East Coast to help him and his 76-year old life partner prepare for his death. I said I will go there and celebrate his 83rd birthday with him on November 16th. Well, his condition worsen in just a month and he died a day before his birthday. I stayed to help go through his things and make sure his wishes to be cremated and sent back to the Philippines be fulfilled. I thought I will be able to finish everything in 10 days. Big mistake. It will take months.

Six Lessons Learned

My friend told me that I should write about my experience so here it goes. Here are the six lessons I learned from trying to send my dad’s ashes from California to the Philippines. I really do not want to write about death but let’s just say this is for those left behind like you and me.

1. Check if you can be an Informant for the Death Certificate

As his only relative in the vicinity, I thought I am automatically the informant. No. This is not the case. The mortuary asked if I am the only child. I said no. I have a half-brother in another state and a brother in the Philippines. He said both of them have to sign-off whatever information I give. Then, he found out that my dad (rest in peace) is separated but still married to somebody else in Nevada. He told me that, no, I do not need anything from my brothers but I do need a notarized statement from my dad’s estranged wife to allow me to be the informant. It’s a good thing I remembered that dad signed a Health Directive naming his common-law wife to decide for him (I was the secondary because of distance). I breezed through the document and saw that it included decisions on cremation. Thank God! Death certificate informant’s form finished in a day!

2. More than Double Check all Documents

I checked and re-checked all the information I wrote about my dad. His partner was too distraught to read and just signed the form. Well, it turned out, everything about my dad was right but I forgot to erase my own address when I changed my name and put my dad’s partner’s name. I found this out when I got the death certificate 3 weeks afterwards—-yes, it took 3 weeks. Just in case you make this kind of mistake too, get a V24 form from https://www.cdph.ca.gov/Programs/CHSI/Pages/Correcting-or-Amending-Vital-Records.aspx and fill it up. It’s free if you do it within a year.

3. Mourn but Still Use Google

While waiting, we reviewed everything needed to send my dad’s ashes to the Philippines where he was born. I found the list of requirements at http://www.philippineconsulatela.org/consular-services-2/civil-registry-2/shipment-of-remainsashes-to-the-philippines so I asked all of these from the mortuary. Kudos to Sam of SoCal Cremations - he produced all the needed paperwork with minimal cost.

4. Plan Ahead and Save Thousands of Dollars

By the way, we would have paid thousands more if we did not plan ahead for my dad’s cremation. I found out that if the computer system of the hospice do not have instructions upon death, they will decide what mortuary to contact. A big no, no! We would have paid $3k. Dad’s life partner heard from her long-time hairdresser that the going rate was $1.5k. I googled and saw SoCal Cremations only charge less than $700. I immediately asked the hospice to put the name of SoCal in the computer. Whew...we saved a lot this way.

5. Mailing Ashes Almost Unheard Of

After weeks of waiting for the paperwork, dad’s partner, who is not able to drive anymore and uses a crutch, rode 3 buses to go to the Philippine Embassy in LA with all the required papers listed in their website. I would have done it but I was already in the East Coast. I just told her to make sure that she go Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday because there are fewer people during those days. True, there were only 3 of them on December 18th. But was she able to get what she came for? No!

The person manning the desk asked for a flight schedule. For the ashes? No, for the person bringing the ashes. Well, dad’s partner patiently explained that we will mail his remains according to the UP Postal Services instructions at https://about.usps.com/publications/pub139.pdf. And no, we will not use LBC. Only USPS is allowed according to the regulations.

Well, the embassy clerk did not know what to do and asked the supervisor. They just decided to ask for a notarized statement of our plan to ship his ashes—-something that was not in their list of requirements at http://www.philippineconsulatela.org/consular-services-2/civil-registry-2/shipment-of-remainsashes-to-the-philippines. Dad’s elderly partner was really bothered, tired and down when she contacted me. I said I’ll try to do the paperwork from my end so I went the Philippine Embassy in DC on December 20th.

6. Speak their Lingo

Yes, in order to get things done, you have to speak the Pinoy Embassy Lingo. And I am not talking about Tagalog. I am speaking about the way they label their processes. And this is what I learned from the Washington DC Philippine Embassy:

First, figure out what kind of service you need from the consulate. After 10 minutes of not understanding each other (even though I spoke in Tagalog) I found out that what I needed is a Mortuary Certificate.. This is needed by the Customs upon the entry of the human ashes.

Second, mortuary certificate is a sub-category under Report of Death. And here lies the misunderstanding. My dad is a naturalized American citizen. In my mind, I do not need to report it—-and the Philippine embassy agrees. He already has a death certificate. It was just how the embassy people’s mind work. So, in order to make, simply say, “/I need a Mortuary Certificate for an American citizen to send his ashes to the Philippines./”

Third, I cannot request a mortuary certificate in DC. Why? My dad died in California and they have the jurisdiction over him. I cannot even get a red ribbon document recognizing his death certificate—-it should be done in California too.

To the Embassy Again

Dad’s partner will go again to the Embassy this January 2019. I do hope that this time, the embassy will be able to help her. But just in case, I wrote what she needed to say and mailed it to her (she does not have Internet). Meanwhile, my relatives in the Philippines are still waiting for his ashes so he can have a proper memorial service and burial as soon as possible. I do hope this will help ease somebody else who will go through a similar experience.