Talking to the disconnectedsteemCreated with Sketch.

in philosophy •  6 years ago 

Its not often that it happens, but when it does, boy does it taste bitter. Of course I know better, or at least I think I do, but it's hard to bite my tongue at times and it takes all the upbringing/programming my mother taught me to remain friendly.

Allow me to paint a picture in your mind, and then once we have established the background, everything that I'm trying to convey to you my dear reader will make a lot of sense. The following paragraph is simply a mental exercise, a thought experiment, and any resemblance to anyone you may know is mere coincidence, I promise.

Two friends run into each other on the street all of the sudden. It's been years, more than a decade to be more precise since they've seen each other and it's obvious that one of them has done really good for himself. Jon, the one wearing the nice suit is holding the keys to an expensive car on his hand, a cellphone on the other one and has the familiar "i'm killing at life" vibe the movies have been so effective at explaining to us. Joe on the other hand is wearing cargo pants, all dirty from a long day at work, his hands and nails showing signs of a man who sweats for every dime.

The unexpected reunion starts out with a huge smile, and even a hug, not too tight because of the suit of course, but a hug nonetheless. Joe is very impressed with Jon and tells him so, tell him that he always knew Jon would make it big, that he always had the brains and drive to do it. There is no jealousy here, not even a little bit, Joe is sincerely pleased to see his friend Jon doing so well.

A few more minutes into the conversation Joe, out of politeness really, asks Jon how is life treating him, how is the family, you know, the usual questions one asks. Jon's face all of the sudden changes, it does not become a grim, not quite, but the smile has clearly been erased from his face.

"I've been having a shitty week Joe... I mean, I was not supposed to be here right now, I was supposed to be in Bahamas, taking some time off, but I have to postpone my vacation a few more days and that's infuriating"

Joe's expression changes too, it seems like his good friend Jon is dealing with stress, so he does what a good friend should, he empathizes. "Listen Jon, don't worry about it, what's a few days more? nothing... next thing you know, you'll be in the beach enjoying your week off" "Week?" says Jon "I would never go for just a week, that's stupid... When I take time off from work I go for at least a month, if not it's not worth it to me..."

Joe replies "Wow... they give you that much time off? that's amazing!" and without missing a beat Jon replies "They better, I make them millions and I've not received a raise this year, I've been trying to buy a condo in Manhattan, but with this salary I might have to settle for South Beach or something... so they better not give me crap"

Disconnected


Here's what's funny about this whole scenario: Jon is not a bad guy, or at least it's not implied in any way. He simply has a problem and he is telling his friend Joe about it. He can't see that talking to his friend Joe about "Jon level problems" is not only futile, but quite silly if I'm to be honest.

Let's begin from the fact that Joe can't really do a thing to help his friend Jon either go to Bahamas earlier or buy the condo in Manhattan, but above that, or more importantly, Why would Jon feel that Joe is the person that needs to hear these types of "problems"?

You see, the world if full of Joes and Jons and truthfully we've played one of those roles at some point in time. However, every single time I'm Joe, I'm always battling the urge to tell Jon, he's being Jon. On the other hand, I do not know how many times I've been Jon and it's probably the reason why I'm forgiving when people Jon me.

But, tell me... How do you deal with these situations? What do you do when you get Joned?

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I am mostly appreciative for what I have no matter the situation as there are so many worst off that complaining make me feel ungrateful.

Posted using Partiko iOS

Meno, I would listen and show empathy because from Jon's perspective it is a big thing. It also tells me that being a Joe is far richer and happier than Jon, because a Joe might do physical work but he is far luckier with the abundance of love, wisdom, acceptance and understanding.

The problem isn't Joe or Jon, the problem is YOUR perception that just because they have different problems Jon and Joe would be uncomfortable talking about it.

Look if the things I care about are too high or low for my friends, maybe they shouldn't be my friends.

Did it ever occur to you that they both might like their status in life?

Possible, but maybe I will give you a better example or one easier to relate to.

Your computers hard drive breaks, so you order one from eBay. You like your computer, no big deal. You and Jon are talking, maybe you hang out every now and then, and he tells you he sent you something for you to checkout, you tell him your computer is broke and you are waiting for the new hard drive. He turns around and tells you, just get a new one... Apple is on sale for 3k you can get a nice model. You explain to your friend Jon 3k is too much for you, and jon tells you that you are too Jewish, in a joking tone, but yeah.

That for example has happened to me, precisely like that. Mind you Jon thinks he's being funny.

Posted using Partiko Android

Yep... Been there, done that. Long, long ago; when my brother and I were still talking (long story) he was telling me all of these things that I should be doing with my money, and going on and going (he's like that) and I was trying to be nice and steer the conversation in a different direction, but he wasn't having it. Finally I just asked if he was going to pay for any of this stuff.

He said No, ofcourse; and I said "Well then shut your damned mouth.." It was mean, but necessary. In years hence, I've found different ways of making the same statement, much more subtly and effectively. It's sad, I think... when people who should be able to relate to each other can't because they live in completely different worlds. That's another reason that I'm trying to get into wildcrafting and foraging skills... So I can counter their paradigm just a little bit. Some, as the people I mentioned in my first response, will simply never get it so to speak.

I usually respond with "Bless your heart" or "Ain't it awful?" or some variation in my best deadpan. That way they get the sympathy they were looking for and I get to privately indulge in schadenfreude at their 'misfortune' and we both go away happy.

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