What The Hell Am I Doing?

What the hell am I doing?

What are you doing? (Would love to hear about it in comments)

What am I doing?

This is a really important question posed by Socrates. To be honest, I don't know what I am doing. I am existing. I am living. I am conscious. I get hungry. I get horny. I get thirsty. I like having a roof over my head. A comfortable bed with comfortable sheets. I am looking for the meanings that transcend the here and now. Right now I am writing. Filling in the white space is better than just staring at white space. It is better than staring at the Monet above my computer. It is better than staring at the hyper real ass and breast of the pornography world. Love has to be a meaning. I am seeking that women with the certain symmetry that pleases me, a mind that stimulates me, and a soul that nourishes me. I don't know if I like that last one. The idea of a soul can get a little too spiritual/religious for me. What I mean is an essence that enraptures and captures me. "Captures me" is a tough one. I am still slightly under the spell of some women. I wish I wasn't but it doesn't really matter because I may never see them again. I can be toyed with by the memory of what was or more so the deception of what could have been.

What am I doing?

I am trying to invest in the future. Invest in myself. Philosophy and cryptocurrency seems to be my areas of interest. I can deny it but I want to get out of this prep cook job. We all want out. Everyone in the restaurant wants out but we don't have outs or won't take the outs for whatever reason. It has allowed me to save some money. Not at the rate I would like of course. The rate is never exactly how we would like of course. I remember I was making over a $1/hand at $2/4-$10/20 PLO but wanted $5/hand at $25/50. I lost my mind over that goal and lost it all. A question that is ringing in my head is what is enough? I have been beaten out of my grandiosity but it still lurks. The tendency for excess. I don't want to subscribe to the Christian meekness either. I should be striving for excellence. I have but one life to live. Unfortunately I don't have full autonomy. I am haunted by my determinism. Actually, who knows I may be gifted by my determinism but the point is I just don't know how much free will I have. It seems I have enough to live a free enough life. I can invent the human being I want to be with out masks. I am free to wander and play with the meanings that may transcend the here and now. Helping alcoholics, drugs addicts and homeless people has been a worthwhile project. Taking care of my pets. Art and creation with or without object.

I will die and that scares me. It is a day like today that existence kind of hits me. I have zero appointments until 6:30pm. That is either freeing or terrifying. There is that nagging that I want to make the best of my days off, I want to be "productive," "efficient," "not waste any time." Why not just slow down a little bit? I wish to go to Paris and have a 4 hour lunch. Stroll to L'Orangerie for an hour or 2. Just walk the streets. It is probably too cold for that now but in my dream it is Spring as the flowers are blossoming.

What am I doing?

I am living because I don't know what else to do. Suicide is bad and unneeded at this point. Human connection and community is very important to me. I have to leave the house sometimes even when I don't want to. Even if it is to go to these Christian overtone sobriety meetups. I should not focus harshly on the differences but rather the similarities. We were all lost drunks and drug addicts at one point just looking to get some help. I have a desire to not drink so I can be a member regardless if I agree with all the dogma or not. Maybe that is what I should be doing in 2018. Branching out to other areas for friends and community.