This week has been an interesting week for observation of people who struggle woth emotional control in different forms. One thing that has been present in all has been an external frame of reference where their emotions are triggered by events and actions outside of their locus of control. Are our emotions truly ours if they are controlled by others.
At coffee last night with my friend we were discussing how consumption habits direct our thoughts, feelings and behaviours and I mentioned that they are also hackable. What we want is generally instilled by culture, society and advertising and not ours at all. This is true even if it doesn't help us or even if it harms us yet we keep chasing or desires that are not or own.
I mentioned to him that most people do not know much about themselves (but believe they do) and then find partners who do not know much about themselves either. Combine this with a disconnection and inability to adequately read people and it is a recipe for relationships to form that are unsuitable. Then, when things go awry, without understanding why it is unsuitable they swipe to the next relationship with not much of substance learned.
This process is almost completely driven by external powers that influence or thoughts and actions and then we wonder why we struggle and fail to find out great loves and passions in life. Hiw can we find what is the best fit for who we are if we do not know who we are?
Without the ability to internally reflect and discover more of our true selves, we will likely be on a path of continued conflict where what we want is not suitable for who we are and we chase an illusion, a narrative sold to us. And what this lead to is a life experience where external events, words and people control our behaviour by triggering our actions. The life of the externally controlled is a hard life in my opinion.
In my view, emotional control is only truly possible when someone knows themselves well enough to understand that their reactions are their responsibility and no one can possibly get under their skin without permission to do so. This takes examination and practice and unfortunately, we are not encouraged to do so as it is much easier to control those whose emotions are trained to listen to others rather than be processed and investigated internally.
Emotionally, we can all improve our resilience and just like strengthening the body's immune system, the psychological response requires challenge to build the necessary antibodies to withstand attack. This process had been hijacked by safe zones and encouragement to feel immediately rather than process and delay emotional gratification.
There are times emotions can be let free and times they need to be harnessed by necessity but to truly have them be ours, we must bed their master, not the other way around.
Bullet proofing emotionally isn't to not feel anything, it is to still be able to do what is necessary without being hindered by what isn't. While people's get upset and angry and every imaginable slight they feel, the emotionally controlled continue doing what needs to be done.
Some people tend to get upset when I talk about emotional control. They are controlled. And in that triggered state, rarely will they be able to act their best selves. But, that is their responsibility and their choice of how they experience this life.
Taraz
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(posted from phone)
The photo I stole from @galenkp
This is an interesting topic and something I have been thinking a lot lately. I hate that I am so driven by some emotions and that I let them effect me so much. I really want to be more in control of, like you said, what gets under my skin. I can rationalise most emotions fairly well, but it's still very hard to try and overcome some of those feelings.
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In some respects the feelings I guess don't need to be overcome but they shouldn't effect what we need to do. People get angry at the drop of a hat these days and there is a great deal of damage done that is often irreversible. It is more like toddlers experiencing their terrible twos or when they don't get a toy they want. Tantrums and dramas from adults is unattractive and doesn't inspire me with trust in their decision making abilities.
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Well I don't throw full blown temper tantrums, and I didn't stab anyone when I was still working in the kitchen, pretty proud of that one considering how I felt about a lot of the co-workers 😝
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lol.
I knew a girl when I was in highschool. School captain, straight A student, bright future etc. At her 18th birthday party her brother wouldn't giver her a CD back he had borrowed. Stabbed him to death in a fit of rage. She cried as he died in her arms with her friends watching.
Feel your emotions. Don't have to act on them.
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Bitches be crazy!
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lols
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I think a good example of people who are good at is are successful sale people. They really need to know what they want, understand how they themselves are movitivated and think, how their prospects are motivated etc Believes are created based on values. If you know what a persons values are, you can know what they will believe in, and how they build their model of the world.
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Yep, game theory. Good sales people are able to understand what makes other people buy and often it is because they have worked it out in themselves and through observation and trial to confirm. Manipulators.
People should assume that behind every click they make, there is a team of behavioural psychologists prompting it.
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I get upset with myself. I am a religious person and have been taught to treat people with respect and fairness. On the other had if a person invades my physical space, I can often react in a verbally violent way. I live in a country where personal space is not respected- Israel . And this at odds with the country of my birth -The US , where personal space in honored. I guess I react because of the way I was raised in the US.
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So is it your reaction or the culture you learned from? Most likely if you grew up in Israel you would be fine with their personal space ideals. However, it is another programme isn't it? You are you in both instances yet your preferences are detached from who you are and instead tied to what you have learned. How many of our preferences are ours and how many do we fight and are possibly willing to die for that aren't?
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True. My preferences are indeed separate from who I am. Interestingly enough I know many native-born Israelis who SAY they have the same 'space needs' as I do but I have observed that they are more in 'their skin' here than I am
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I think that a lot of anger comes from either unrealized expectations and people not acting the way that you think that they should act. When you understand that the only thing that you can control is yourself, much of the anger dissipates.
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Most of this pertains to anger and it's cousin, hate, and the saying goes: explain your anger/hate instead of expressing it.
Posted using Partiko Android
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They are the extreme ends but I it has effects on various levels. The explanation needs the internal processing, the delay function. Makes sense to me.
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Working a lot with people in the broader fields we might call "enlightenment" and "self-development," one of the things that shocks/surprises people is the fact that consciousness — or mindfulness — takes a lot of work. It's not something you suddenly "have," it's an ongoing practice that never ends.
"Knowing your self" takes effort; sometimes years of pretty rigorous self-inquiry that eventually might lead to that Baddhist-like state where you can simply sit and "observe" your own feelings and reactions as they arise, but without acting on them. Not even sure that constitutes being bulletproof, but it certainly makes life easier. Of course, some people get quite upset and reactionary in response to your unwillingness to engage in their chaos... at their level.
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Attention seekers and drama queens. The internet is full of them isn't it? People looking to have their emotions validated like parking tickets no matter at what cost to those around them and then they say, it is their right to express their emotions. The right to cause unnecessary harm on others. interesting approach.
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Sometimes it is very difficult to control our emotions even when we want to. I have been training myself to control my emotions and my thoughts. I wont deny that it worked out. But sometimes when I am over-stressed I feel that I lost control over everything.
My life is upside down and the moment and I am trying to fix it without getting stressed or influenced by anything outside my inner-self. It is a big war and struggle, but meditation helps. I just need to start meditating again, because it fixes my thoughts, my emotions and my physical body as well.
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Generally the people who have trouble controlling their emotions are also those who suffer upside down lives as they go hand in hand and spiral through each other.
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Yes thats me! I can only hope for a good day to come where I can have two cats at home, some plants and sleep peacefully without thinking about work or problems :(
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Controlling your emotions is key to ones personal growth as a person. I think it is one of the hardest things to learn and improve on.
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Perhaps it would be easier if at least the idea of it was introduced from a young age instead of the concept of taking every slight as a personal attack and claiming bullying or targeting.
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I've long maintained that words only have as much power as you give them and I think that's pretty applicable to emotions as well. I suspect that people's lack of exposure to situations that require emotional control to survive/thrive plays a major role in its relative lack in society at large.
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I think you are right, protected environments are a large part of it as is the idea that we have to show our emotions to get closure. BS.
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I think you men have it easy on that aspect. Not really easy to harden up as a woman
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I don't know, I have met some very controlled women in my time who could choose when they outwardly presented what they had already internally processed.
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True...There are a lot of strong women out there that I admire, maybe am speaking a little for myself anyways
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I think there are two main ways to bulletproof oneself, to not be badly affected by incoming bullets (i.e., life items that trigger parts of one's "baggage"). One is to have the bullets bounce off, to become insensitive to life's happenings -- drugs, prescription or street, can cause this deadness. Some find this an improvement in their condition, some don't.
The other way is to become transparent to the bullets, to let them straight through without the triggering effect. How to dissipate the charge in the baggage so that clear memories of events remain but the associated anguish or unpleasantness has lessened or disappeared entirely? See my blog links re Rub & Yawn, PaulsRobot website sessions etc. All free of charge, no hidden costs.
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Umm?! XD
I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling immediately, just on acting immediately on that immediate feeling without that processing. Like if someone is insulting you (either aggressively or genuinely not realising they're spouting nonsense) it's perfectly okay and valid to feel aggrieved but really not okay to punch them out or insult them back. Or is that covered as well by processing and delaying?
I'm having fun trying to help my kids navigate that actually. After a couple of them had one of their sibling spats, one of the involved demanded if they were just supposed to sit there and take it when the other sibling was being mean and why shouldn't they be mean back. It's still within age appropriate for my kids but it does bug me that there are so many adults that seem thoroughly justified in this thought.
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