Burden of love

We all have mental issues. You may disagree of course but that is likely one of your mental issues at play. Or not, it could be my mental issue in the way I observe you. You could say that I am a mental health expert but, that would be a lie, I have no idea but like to think about things.

One of my greatest fears for myself is being a burden on others whether that be physically, financially but most of all, emotionally. When I was young, I would cry often at home, never at school. The risk was just too high at school, the cost was likely greater at home.

For most of my life, I have been seen as the weaker in the family, the one that must by tiptoed around in case my sensitivities are hurt but, most have not paid attention, must have failed to see that the little boy teased at school is not so little and not so sensitive anymore.

I remember when I was eight or so waiting to be collected from school, a common tormentor decided to crush my new white shoes under his feet as I sat. The difference between and eight year old and a twelve year old is large. I sat and took it, barely flinched.

My father came with 2 of my brothers from the high school and I got into the car. It was then I broke down as we drove away. I told them what happened and my brother @galenkp who was driving, saw the boy walking. He pulled the car over and had a chat with him on the side of the road. The boy never spoke to me again, never even looked in my direction.

It has been a long time since I have cried, a long time since anyone has rushed to my defense either. I like it this way, to me, this a part of overcoming myself. It is not that I don't feel, it is not that I restrict my emotions but, they are personal, as emotions always are, it is a choice to express them, it is a choice to unleash them upon others.

And this is what I wonder as we go forward in this life where so few have the ability to control their emotions, so many think they are entitled to express themselves and be guaranteed an audience. This is not the case.

So many I know who are unable to control themselves are lonely, looking for a person to share a life with, never having found the right one who will listen to them, adjust for them, compromise themselves to satisfy the demands of an unstable mind. Is it any wonder they have difficulties?

Why must it be that the idea of in sickness and in health means that when one is sick, the healthy must compromise? Why isn't it the sick that should attempt to be healthy? It sounds like crazy talk doesn't it? But, this is not cancer, this is psychological positioning. It is treatable however, only the ill can do the work.

Do they see the way they manipulate situations to get attention, get sympathy, get their way? Do they understand they are making those they care about sacrifice who they are to accommodate their unwillingness to look into the mirror? They make themselves the centre of the universe and everyone must revolve around them but, instead of a sun, they are a black hole.

They absorb the energy of those in their orbit through their demanding ways, their emotional manipulations, the weight of their existence crushes down. They are burdens of love.

But, there comes a time where the surrounding few break free from the gravity and float away to find themselves again, to discover who they were before they compromised themselves thinking they were doing what was right by the ill.

How can one say 'I love you' and then treat their love with such disdain they must change themselves to remain, force them to absorb such violence, make them feel guilty if they attempt to get some distance?

I have told my wife, if I lose my control, if I lose my mind, if I become an emotional burden, take our daughter, leave and do not look back. I tell her this now for if it happens, I may not recognise the signs. Perhaps I will adjust and improve, perhaps not but, demanding someone who loves me to stay and enable me by changing themselves, I cannot subject them to that, I can't condone that from myself.

I have had some bad times through the years as my physical health issues pressed themselves into my mind but as alone as I felt I knew, this is not the person to be in a relationship yet. I will not subject someone I care about to this. But many do.

Many of the depressed look for comfort in relationship thinking that if they can 'just find the right person' without realising that they may find them, and their emotional mass will weigh them down over time, change them until they are unrecognisable to themselves or to others.

But, for the lonely, the emotionally unstable, they will not see this happening but they will feel the change and they will blame the changed. 'You used to be patient, you used to support me, you used to this and that...' But, they are tired, worn out from being forced to be what they are not. They can no longer keep up the facade but feel compelled to try for love.

Is that love? Perhaps love would be if thy walk away instead and the other lets them go. I do not know, but for me, I will not be a burden so instead of forcing change, I spend the time discussing with the mirror and ask 'Am I the person I want to be for someone I love?'

I am not but, I am improving each day. The only thing slowing me down is me.

Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]