A look at myself...and thoughts about my portraits

Today someone close to me called my self portraits awful. Something that no one would want to look at. That, who would want to hire someone who takes pictures like those? Such was the beginning to my day. Two photos shot the previous night were the offenders. The thing that had sparked a private message that's affected my entire day. Well, probably more.

How do you react to someone saying words like those? Especially from someone so close. Powerful, direct, no room for interpretation. Maybe said from a caring place, but not something to be said lightly or without caution. Words have meaning, and affects. As a creative and empathetic person, we pay close attention to each one. We often say that things don't affect us, but they do.

Why do I do shoots like this? Why do I paint my face? Blow smoke into the camera? Attempt to capture a wilder, angrier self? Warp my everyday image into something almost unrecognizable? Masks, cloth, sometimes even just my naked face... And why do I take pictures of it? Most people would just hide those things away. Stuff them to the bottom drawer of their minds and just try and live their lives. But, I can't do that.

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I get into these moods. Some days good. Some days bad. Some days I just want to express myself. And, unfortunately since I suffer from depression, many of these shoots seem rather dark.

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I use what I have sitting around to create another self. The things in my heart finding life through the images I capture. I set up my lights, grab my camera, and get to clicking. That's what a creative is supposed to do, right? Express through what they make? Right?

I never claim that anything I shoot is good.

I just like it, that's why I show it. A part of me, visible to others. Maybe the reason why some people don't like it is because they don't understand it. Stuffed like socks at the back of a drawer, their emotions, which should mirror mine when viewed, unable to get out. It's definitely understandable. I mean, I am tempted to live a life less consumed with emotions. To gloss over the depths of darkness that often consume me.

Maybe it's because they simply don't like it. They have a different taste, they find the technicals crap, the subject matter bores them. That's fine. No one should ever claim to appeal to everyone. And no one should ever try to appeal to everyone. The strength of a creative, in my opinion, is in their ability to identify their audience and speak as loudly to them as possible.

Maybe you can tell...but I'm still trying to find mine. That's been my greatest difficulty. Trying to find something that has traction with people around me. Day after day I shoot, market, pitch, and the only answer to my hails is silence. I seek deeper and deeper inside myself to find the seed of what could become who I am. Day in and day out I search. Am I going in the right direction? Am I speeding in the wrong one?

What's the difference between good and bad?

Is there a line to be crossed? Like a finish line... where you run this race creating along the way, and suddenly there's a checkered flag? Everyone's like, 'YOU'RE AWESOME!' Am I running the opposite direction of everyone else?

Someone told me a long time ago that that's the way to be. Different. Go against the grain. Were they lying? Or only telling me a partial truth. Be different, as long as it doesn't grate on people, doesn't hurt their feelings, or offend their sensibilities...that's how it feels like 99.9% of the time.

Do I remain true to myself, seeking? Or do I succumb to what other people are saying and go in a different direction? It seems like every time I listen to other people about what I do I find myself deeper and deeper in a hole. I wonder if it's because I'm just a screw-up with delusions of grandeur...well, not even grandeur, I just wanna know who I am. But, would a different direction be better?

Awful is a strong word to use. But at least it's a reaction. Better than apathy. We live in an attention economy and at least I got some of that this morning.

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